Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear Powers That Be
in the Universe...
How is it that you
can just have me die
unexpectedly at any
given moment?
And yet the power
company has to warn
me when just shutting
off the power?
SOMETIMES I CAN BE SO
PROFOUND.

HEY, RAT, SINCE WHEN DO YOU WATCH THAT NEWS CHANNEL?
I LIKE TO CHECK IN ON IT NOW AND THEN.
TO BE EXPOSED TO A WIDER VARIETY OF OPINION AND HELP YOU KEEP AN OPEN MIND?
TO CONFIRM THEY'RE STILL NUTTERS.
THAT'S ALMOST OPEN-MINDED.
OH, LOOK, THEY'RE STILL NUTTERS.

WELL, NEIGHBOR BOB, YOU SURE LOOK HAPPY FOR A GUY I JUST EVISCERATED ON TWITTER. DON'T ACT LIKE IT DIDN'T AFFECT YOU.
I GAVE UP SOCIAL MEDIA YEARS AGO. I'VE BEEN HAPPY EVER SINCE.
THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND JAMES. HE'S A MATH PROFESSOR. HE'S HERE ON A TOUR.
WHAT KIND OF TOUR?
TEACHING PEOPLE THAT MATH IS RELEVANT TO EVERY SINGLE FACT OF LIFE. IT CAN HELP WITH ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING.
OH YEAH? TELL ME, MR. SMART MATH GUY! WHAT HAPPENS TO ME WHEN I DIE?
WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE
99% CHANCE OF HELL 1% CHANCE OF RETURNING AS DOORSTOP
I FEEL LIKE HE WINGED THAT.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BUBBA, WHERE YOU BEEN THE PAST FEW YEARS?
DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS.
THEN I DON'T WANT YOU IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
I DON'T NEED SOMEONE ALWAYS POINTING OUT MY TYPOS.
HE'S BEEN IN PRISON.
GOOD. LOUSY GRAMMAR SNOB.

MY LIFE IS BORING AND SAD AND MISERABLE.
WELL, THEN FIX IT.
CAN’T. IT’S THE FAULT OF ALL THE IDIOTS AROUND ME.
NO. YOUR HAPPINESS IS YOUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY.
IT IS?
YES.
WELL, WHAT IDIOT MADE THAT RULE?
NEVER MIND.

So the lady at the grocery store is holding a plate of cheese samples and she says to me, 'Take as many as you like.'
WHAT'S THAT?
CREATIVE WRITING ASSIGNMENT.
Describe the peak moment of your life.
GET OUT MORE.
I WOULD FOR FREE CHEESE.

Hullo zeeba neighba. Leesten, Crocs want offer you honor of give speech at 'Association of Predators' annual meeting.
WHAT WOULD YOU WANT ME TO TALK ABOUT?
What you last day on earth feel like.
We need better sales pitch.

YOU CAN'T THINK DIFFERENTLY ANYMORE. AND IF YOU DO, YOU CERTAINLY CAN'T EXPRESS IT. BECAUSE IF YOU DO, YOU CAN LOSE YOUR JOB. YOUR REPUTATION. EVERYTHING.
ARE YOU REFERRING TO SOMETHING SPECIFIC?
I LIKE CHEEZ WHIZ MORE THAN ACTUAL CHEESE.
LEAVE THIS HOUSE. NOW.

DO YOU HAVE A SAYING YOU LIVE BY?
YES. "THE PRESENT IS A GIFT, WHICH IS WHY THEY CALL IT THE PRESENT."
DO YOU HAVE ONE ?
YES. "SAPPY BANALITY MUST BE PUNISHED BY THE FIST O' DOOM."
MY SAVING'S MORE PEACEFUL.
MY SAVINGS MORE SATISFYING.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I DECIDED TO TURN MY DUSTY OLD GARAGE INTO A MOD ART INSTALLATION. IT'S A TRIBUTE TO MAGICIANS' WANDS.
WHY'S THE COP HERE?
OH. SOMEONE CAME THROUGH HERE LAST NIGHT AND VANDALIZED IT.
MIGHT HAVE STOLEN SOME OF THEM, TOO. WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE THAT OUT.
WELL, IF I'M GONNA GET THE GUY WHO DID THIS, I'LL NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING THAT HAS DAMAGED OR STOLEN. I CAN SEE ONE OF THEM OVER THERE IS MISSING.
YEAH.
AND ANOTHER WAND'S GONE. AND ANOTHER HAND'S GONE. ANOTHER WAND'S BY THE DUST.
HE BIT THE DUST.

HEY, GOAT, HAVE YOU MET OUR NEW PET, "PSYCHO KILLER BUNNY"?
HAHA, NO. BUT I LOVE THE NAME.
DIE!
DIE!
DIE!
NEVER CONDESCEND TO "PSYCHO KILLER BUNNY."

FRIED CHICKEN AND BEER, HUH? A DIET LIKE THAT WILL TAKE TEN YEARS OFF YOUR LIFE, YOU FOOL.
IF THE PURPOSE OF YOUR LIFE IS JUST TO PROLONG YOUR LIFE, THEN MAYBE THERE'S NOT MUCH LIFE TO PROLONG.
GOOD THING YOU HAVE TEN EXTRA YEARS TO THINK OF A COMEBACK.
YOU WAIT. IT'S COMING.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY. HOW'S IT GOING?
VERY WELL, THANK YOU. MY FIANCÉ JUST GOT ACCEPTED INTO BROWN UNIVERSITY.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. IS HE TRAINING TO BE A U.P.S. DRIVER?
NOT WHERE THEY'RE TRAINED.
IS HE HANDSOME WITH MEATY THIGHS?

DO YOU EVER THINK THAT YOUR LIFE THIS PAST YEAR HAS JUST BEEN TOO DARN BORING?
I GUESS IT DEPENDS ON HOW YOU DEFINE THE WORD.
LOOK IT UP IN THE DICTIONARY.
boring (adj.)
your life
THAT HURTS.

WARNING: BEARS IN AREA
WARNING: RATTLESNAKES
WARNING: UNINFORMED PEOPLE MAY START SPOUTING THEIR OPINIONS
WANT TO HEAR WHAT I THINK OF THE GOVERNMENT?
THAT WAS TERRIFYING.

THIS STUDY SAYS OPTIMISTS LIVE LONGER.
AND YET THEY STILL DIE.
PESSIMISM IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER.

HOUSE OF HORRORS
PREPARE TO BE TERRIFIED
ENTER IF YOU DARE
*CLICK*
TONIGHT ON THE NEWS...
HALLOWEEN WAS WEEKS AGO.
IT'S ALWAYS HALLOWEEN NOW.

DING!
D’YOU GET A TEXT?
NO.
D’YOU GET A TEXT?
NO.
STUPID T.V. SHOW.
USE DIFFERENT SOUNDS!

MY LIFE IS BORING AND SAD AND MISERABLE.
WELL, THEN FIX IT.
CAN'T. IT'S ALL THE FAULT OF IDIOTS AROUND ME.
NO, IT'S NOT. YOUR HAPPINESS IS YOUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY.
IT IS?
YES.
WELL, WHAT IDIOT MADE THAT RULE?
NEVER MIND.

THIS STRIP HAS SUCH A PUBLIC PLATFORM TO INFORM PEOPLE ABOUT SOCIAL ISSUES THAT MATTER.
THAT'S A GREAT POINT... WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO INFORM THEM ABOUT?
'CRWTH' IS A VALID SCRABBLE WORD.
I WAS THINKING BIGGER.
THAT'S PRETTY BIG.
TAKE THAT, STUPID VOWELS!

HEY, RAT. SORRY I'M TWENTY MINUTES LATE.
DON'T BE. SORRY IS SUCH A MEANINGLESS WORD ANYWAY.
INSTEAD, I'M TAKING YOU TO THE "PENALTY BOX FOR THE PERPETUALLY LATE."
YOU'LL BE HERE FOR TWENTY MINUTES. THAT WAY I CAN WASTE THE SAME AMOUNT OF YOUR TIME AS YOU WASTED OF MINE.
JUSTICE IS INVIGORATING.

Dear Universe,
Yesterday my life hit the bottom of the barrel.
Today I found out there's another barrel under that barrel.
Quick question:
How many barrels are in this stack?
I JUST NEED A ROUGH APPROXIMATION.

LITERALLY EVERYONE I ENCOUNTER IN THE WORLD ANNOYS ME.

WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
THAT I'M A MAGNET FOR STUPID PEOPLE.
YOU DRAW ODD CONCLUSIONS.
SURELY I'VE DONE MY TIME.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M THE LATEST SOFTWARE UPDATE FOR YOUR PHONE. I NOTICED YOU'VE BEEN IGNORING MY PROMPTS.
YEAH, YOU SEND A LOT OF THEM, BUT MY PHONE'S OLDER AND THE UPDATES ALWAYS SEEM TO MESS STUFF UP. SO THANKS ANYWAY.
UPDATE YOUR PHONE.
NO.
UPDATE YOUR PHONE.
NO.
HI, I'M TIM COOK, C.E.O. OF APPLE. UPDATE YOUR PHONE OR I'LL KICK YOU RIGHT IN THE OOMPA LOOMPAS.
I UPDATED MY PHONE.