Pearls Before Swine | Search

Motivation For Going To Work:
Develop important skills.
Impress boss with reliability.
Climb the corporate ladder and advance my career.
Avoid starvation.
I KNEW SOMETHING WOULD RESONATE.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN SOMEONE IS TALKING ABOUT YOUR LIFE'S GOALS AND THEY TELL YOU TO "REACH FOR THE MOON"?
IT MEANS SET YOUR GOALS REALLY HIGH.
BUT IS THE MOON SOMETHING YOU CAN ACTUALLY STRETCH OUT AND REACH?
OF COURSE NOT.
SO THEY'RE CONDEMNING ME TO A LIFETIME OF FUTILITY?
NEVER MIND.
I CAN'T EVEN REACH THE TOP SHELF OF MY PANTRY.

You can't change the past.
But there is one thing you can do.
Cry about it constantly.
I LOST MY JOB WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS.

EXCUSE ME, BUT ARE YOU STEPHAN PASTIS?
HAHA, YEAH, I AM. DO YOU KNOW ME FROM "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE" OR MY KIDS BOOK "TIMMY FAILURE"?
I KNOW YOU FROM THIS CREDIT CARD BECAUSE I'M ENDING MY SHIFT AND NEED TO CLOSE IT OUT.
YOU SAD, MISERABLE PUTZ.
SHOULD I SIGN THE RECEIPT ‘BEST WISHES’?

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
HELP ME, O WISE ASS, FOR I CONSTANTLY NEED MY LIFE VALIDATED, SO I POST PHOTOS ON SOCIAL MEDIA, BUT IF THEY GET LESS THAN FIFTY LIKES, I FEEL WORTHLESS.
YEAH, FIFTY'S NOT VERY HIGH.
HE WASN'T HELPFUL.

Leadership Skills Test
Life presents you with a situation in which all available options are bad. What do you do?
Nap.
YOU MAY NOT BE LEADERSHIP MATERIAL.
BUT I ALWAYS FEEL REFRESHED.

DID YOU KNOW THAT SIXTY PERCENT OF YOUR BODY IS WATER?
CAN'T BE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE I'M EIGHTY PERCENT SPITE.
I WON'T ARGUE.
IT'S A WONDER I'VE MADE IT THIS LONG.

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. HERE'S MY TEN BUCKS.
OKAY. HERE YOU GO.
A BALLOON? WHO WANTS A STUPID BA --
WHAT THE -- WHAT'S GOING ON?
TAKES YOU TO A NEW WORLD.
WHAT GOOD IS THAT?
YOU'RE ONE LESS PERSON CLOGGING UP MY MORNING COMMUTE.
HOW'S THAT A BETTER FUTURE FOR ME?
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT YOU?
GUY DOESN'T READ SIGNS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
GOOD. JUST WENT DEER HUNTING.
OH, GOODNESS. I COULD NEVER KILL A LIVING THING.
HOW DO YOU THINK THAT BEEF GOT ON YOUR BURGER?
RONALD McDONALD WAITED PATIENTLY FOR AN OLD COW TO DIE IN HIS SLEEP.
NOT HOW THAT GOES.
AND THE COW HAD ACHIEVED ALL HIS DREAMS AND WAS READY.

WHAT IF THIS WHOLE PANDEMIC THING NEVER ENDS AND WE JUST KEEP GETTING NEW STRAINS OF THE VIRUS?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, NEIGHBOR BOB, I'M AFRAID MY NEGATIVITY BUCKET IS ALREADY FILLED TO THE BRIM THESE DAYS AND JUST CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER DROP. SO, I'M SORRY, BUT...
WHEN YOUR NEGATIVITY BUCKET IS FULL, IT'S FULL.

WHERE'S THAT NEIGHBOR WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO COME OVER?
HE'S HEADED DOWNTOWN LATER, SO HE NEEDED TO RUN HOME AND GRAB A MASK.
FOR THE VIRUS, THE SMOKE FROM THE FIRES, OR TO ATTEND A RACIST RALLY?
I SHOULD HAVE ASKED.
YOU HAVE TO BE VERY SPECIFIC NOW.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, RAT?
THROWING HAND GRENADES AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU CAN’T DO THAT!
YOU’RE REALLY IMPINGING ON MY FREEDOM.
THINGS ARE OUT OF HAND.

IF YOU NEED ME WHILE I'M GONE,
CALL ME ON WhatsApp.
CALL YOU ON WHAT?
"Whats-"
WHAT'S THE APP?
WhatsApp.
NOT MUCH
WHAT'S UP
WITH YOU?
DON'T CALL ME
AT ALL.
WHAT'S
APPENING
RIGHT NOW?

OH. SORRY. SHOULD I BE WEARING A MASK?
YES. FOR WHEN YOU WALK IN AND ARE SEATED, THEN YOU CAN TAKE IT OFF WHEN YOU'RE EATING.
UNLESS YOU SIT OUTSIDE. THEN JUST PUT IT ON AND WHEN YOU SIT DOWN ON THE PATIO, YOU CAN TAKE IT OFF IMMEDIATELY.
UNLESS YOU WALK BACK IN TO USE THE BATHROOM. IN WHICH CASE PUT IT BACK ON AND LEAVE IT ON UNTIL YOU GET BACK OUTSIDE. UNLESS YOU'RE SITTING INSIDE, THEN LEAVE IT ON 'TIL YOU'RE EATING.
LET'S GET TAKE-OUT.

ZZZZT
ARRRHHH
IT'S ALIVE
WHAT IS IT
IT'S MY CREATION AND IT'S ALIVE
A CREATURE WITH TREMENDOUS STRENGTH AND POTENTIAL
ARRGG
LOOK AT IT USE ITS POWER TO BUILD BRIDGES AND HELP OUR LITTLE VILLAGE CONNECT WITH...
NO NO MY CREATURE WHAT ARE YOU DOING
STOP HIM HE'S DESTROYING ALL OF US
I CAALLLLMP
I CALL IT THE CREATION OF SOCIAL MEDIA
AWWWW I'M SURE ITS BEHAVIOR WILL IMPROVE

HELLO, GOAT.

HELLO, RAT.

YESTERDAY, MY MOUTH SAID THINGS TO YOU I DIDN'T MEAN. I THINK IT JUST HAD A BAD DAY. PERSONALLY, I'M DISAPPOINTED IN IT.

SOME APOLOGIES ARE NOT QUITE APOLOGIES.

CHANGE
THE
PAST
NOT POSSIBLE.
CHANGE
THE
PAST
HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, SORRY ABOUT WHAT I DID YESTERDAY.
THANK YOU, PIG.
DOESN'T COUNT.
SORTA DOES.
CHANGE
THE
PAST

YOU NEVER KNOW.
NOBODY @#$% WITH STEPHAN PASTIS!
MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T CALL THEM MORONS.
WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO? MESS WITH MY WORK?
WHAT IF THEY DO IT WRONG?
THAT'S PRETTY HARD TO DO. BUT I SUPPOSE THOSE MORONS COULD SCREW IT UP.
HOW DO YOU SUBMIT YOUR STRIP TO YOUR COMIC SYNDICATE?
PANEL BY PANEL, BECAUSE EACH FILE IS SO LARGE. THEN THEY LAY OUT THE PANELS IN THE RIGHT ORDER.

HI, PIG. HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. BEEN LEADING QUITE THE PERIPATETIC LIFESTYLE LATELY.
IN FACT, IT'S WEIRD WHEN YOU'RE BEING SO PERIPATETIC THAT YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HOW PERIPATETIC YOU'RE BEING. BUT ARE YOU PERIPATETIC MUCH?
PLEASE STOP ABUSING YOUR WORD-OF-THE-DAY CALENDAR.
WHOA. HOW'D YOU KNOW I GOT ONE?

WHERE'S YOUR NEW FRIEND, HOLLY HIPPO?
CONDUCTING A PUBLIC AWARENESS CAMPAIGN TO LET PEOPLE KNOW THAT HIPPOS KILL MORE PEOPLE THAN ANY OTHER ANIMAL.
OH, GOOD. AS A PRECAUTION SO THAT PEOPLE STAY SAFE?
NOT REALLY.
#1
WE'RE NUMBER ONE!!! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!!!

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE IMMORTAL?
IT MEANS YOU LIVE FOREVER.
SO ALL THESE BACK PAINS AND JOINT PAINS, WHICH HAVE GOTTEN WORSE AS I AGE, WILL GET SO BAD THAT LIFE ITSELF WILL BE ONE LONG SUSTAINED MOMENT OF AGONY?
WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY...
IMMORTALITY BETTER COME WITH NEW KNEES!

HEY, RAT, YOU GONNA TAKE DOWN THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS?
YOU BET.
GONNA TAKE DOWN THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS?
YOU BET.
GONNA TAKE DOWN THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS?
YOU BET.
ARE YOU GONNA TAKE DOWN THE LIGHTS OR NOT?
FINE.
LOOK AT YOU PUTTING UP YOUR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS EARLY. GOOD FOR YOU.
PROCRASTINATION IS THE KEY TO TIME MANAGEMENT.

WHO'S AT THE DOOR?
A GUY WHO SAYS YOU WERE WRONG IN YESTERDAY'S STRIP ABOUT THE AFRICAN ANIMAL WHO KILLS THE MOST HUMANS. HE SAYS IT'S HIM, AND HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
WHERE IS HE?
RIGHT HERE, PAL. I'M A MOSQUITO. AND JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T PAY CASH TO SEE US ON SAFARI DOESN'T MEAN WE DON'T EXIST.
MOSQUITOES ARE MORE SENSITIVE THAN YOU'D THINK.
SOUNDS LIKE A BAD SAFARI.
STILL HERE, GUYS.

HEY, PIG, WHO'S AT THE DOOR?
THE DEADLIEST ANIMAL IN ALL OF AFRICA.
OH, MY GOODNESS... SO IT'S GOTTA BE LIONS? TIGERS? CHEETAHS?
WE GET NO RESPECT.

HULLOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA. LEESTEN. GOOD BOOK SAYS YOU IS HAVE TO DIE. ME SORRY. BUT GOOD BOOK SAY SO.
THE GOOD BOOK BEING THE BIBLE.?
NO. GOOD BOOK CHARLIE WRITE CALLED 'DIE, ZEEBA, DIE.'
HE NO THINK BOOK GOOD.