Pearls Before Swine | Search

Self-Improvement
Worksheet
All of us should
strive to be a
professional in
everything we do.
Because being a
pro means being:
PROactive
PROductive
PROmising
PROud
In what
ways
are you
a pro?
I
PROcrastinate.
GOOD TO KNOW I'M A
PRO AT SOMETHING.

HOW IS IT THAT I'M SEEING THESE ADS ONLINE FOR FLIGHTS TO ITALY JUST AS I'M PLANNING A TRIP?
THEY TRACK YOUR ONLINE SEARCHES AND GIVE YOU ADS BASED ON THAT.
BUT I HAVEN'T SEARCHED FOR IT. I'VE ONLY TALKED ABOUT IT WITH FRIENDS.
THIS IS WHERE I TELL YOU NOT TO WORRY THAT YOUR PHONE HAS A REALLY GOOD BUILT-IN MICROPHONE.
PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME AS PARANOID AS YOU.
DON'T BE. SINCE WHEN HAS A TECH COMPANY BREACHED OUR PRIVACY?

I hear you're writing a book on how to get ahead in life.
Yeah. Have a look.
Go to a morgue late at night.
Steal one.
The space between the 'a' and 'head makes a big difference.
It does.

HEY, PIG. YOU DON'T NEED THE APPROVAL OF OTHERS IN LIFE. YOU SHOULD JUST LEAD THE LIFE YOU WANT TO LEAD.
Hi. I'm eating cheese.

WELL, LOOK AT SUPERMAN HERE. DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS SUPERMAN BECAME SO BIG AND STRONG?
BECAUSE HE'S A SUPER-HERO?
NO. BY EATING A WIDE VARIETY OF NUTS AND SEEDS AND FOODS HIGH IN OMEGA 3 AND OMEGA 6 POLYUNSATURATED FATS.
AND FOCUSING ON PRE-DAWN, HIGH-INTENSITY, INTERVAL TRAINING, THEREBY INCREASING ENDURANCE CAPACITY.
SO IF YOU WOULD JUST LEND ME THAT CHINTZY, PLASTIC RECEPTACLE...
I'LL DUMP OUT ALL THE LITTLE CANDIES IN THE GARBAGE WHERE THEY BELONG.
AND LEAVE YOU WITH THIS VALUABLE PAMPHLET ON ACHIEVING PEAK PERFORMANCE.
WHY CAN'T HE JUST TURN OFF HIS PORCH LIGHT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?
NEVER TRICK-OR-TREAT A CYCLIST.

TRICK OR TREAT.
A GHOST COSTUME.
ZERO FOR CREATIVITY. ZERO FOR EFFORT.
NO CANDY FOR YOU.
WE DON'T RATE OUR TRICK-OR-TREATERS.
HE'S SPRAY-PAINTING YOUR GARAGE. NOW THAT'S CREATIVE.

EVER NOTICE HOW EASY IT IS TO ACCIDENTALLY CLICK THAT LITTLE THUMBS-UP ON FACEBOOK MESSENGER?
YEAH, I DO IT ALL THE TIME.
EVER DO IT WHEN SOMEONE JUST TOLD YOU THEIR MOM WAS HIT BY A BUS?
NO.
EVER BEEN DISINVITED FROM A FUNERAL?

TRICK OR TREAT.
HEY, GREAT COSTUME. ARE YOU A RAILROAD HOBO?
NO. I'M JUST HOMELESS. BUT I THOUGHT I'D TRY TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT ON THE ONE DAY PEOPLE ARE OPEN TO STRANGERS SOLICITING THEM.
EVER FEEL LIKE RETHINKING EVERYTHING?
HEY, WHAT'D YOU DO WITH ALL THE FOOD IN OUR PANTRY?

Dear young me...
Don't worry so much in life. Everything works out in the end.
WHERE DOES ONE SEND THESE?

TRICK OR TREAT.
OH, IF IT'S NOT THE BIG KIDS WHO ALWAYS COME WITHOUT ANY COSTUMES AT THE END OF THE NIGHT EXUDING A VAGUE, THREATENING AIR...
...HOPING THAT US HOMEOWNERS ARE AFRAID YOU'LL VANDALIZE OUR HOME AND CAN THEREFORE BE SCARED INTO GIVING YOU ALL OUR REMAINING CANDY DESPITE YOUR OBVIOUS LACK OF COSTUMING EFFORT.
THAT IS CORRECT.
I GAVE THEM ALL OUR CANDY.

THE CHART O' HUMAN PROGRESS
HUMANS WALK UPRIGHT
FIRST USE OF TOOLS
TRANSITION FROM HUNTER/GATHERERS TO AGRICULTURE
WIDESPREAD USE OF ELECTRICITY
RISE OF SOCIAL MEDIA.
YOUR ARROWS RUNNING OUT OF PAPER.

HARDWARE STORE
THE
Everything-Will-
Be-Okay-Again-
PORTAL
JUST WALK
THROUGH
THE
Everything-Will-
Be-Okay-Again-
PORTAL
JUST
WALK
THROUGH
THE
Everything-Will-
Be-Okay-Again-
PORTAL
JUST
WALK
THROUGH
IF
ONLY.
I'M TRYING
IT ANYWAY.
I MISSED YOU,
HAPPINESS!

The stranger sneezed.
'Bless you,' I said.
HEY, RAT, YOU WRITING A STORY?
NO. I'M LISTING ALL MY GOOD DEEDS FOR THE YEAR.
A LOVER OF MANKIND.
'Now sit further away,' I yelled at the sicko.

SO THEN A RIGHT TURN HERE, A LEFT HERE, ANOTHER LEFT, AND THERE YOU ARE.
WHAT'S THAT A MAP OF?
WHERE MY LIFE WENT WRONG.
DIDN'T KNOW THEY MADE THOSE.
AND WHAT'S THIS?
THE DEAD END YOU'RE STUCK IN.

HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING, PIG?
WELL, I THOUGHT I LOST MY QUARTERS IN THE DRYER AT THE LAUNDROMAT. BUT THEN I BANGED ON IT AND GOT MY QUARTERS BACK.
#LIVINGMYBESTLIFE
NOT WHEN THAT PHRASE IS GENERALLY USED.
DON'T RUIN THE MOMENT.

HI, ALLY ACTRESS. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO TODAY?
GOTTA GO TAKE SOME HEADSHOTS.
OH, WELL, GOOD TO TALK TO YOU, BUT I GOTTA GET GOING.
I JUST AVERTED TRAGEDY.

DID YOU HEAR THIS STORY ABOUT THE BAD STUFF THIS ACTRESS DID?
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE?
I SAW IT ON THE TWITTER.
BUT TWITTER DOESN'T VERIFY THAT IT'S TRUE.
YES IT DOES. THEY EMPLOY THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO VERIFY THE TRUTH OF EACH STORY BEFORE IT GETS TWEETED OUT.
WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ON THE TWITTER.
NO.
SOUNDS RIGHT. I'LL TWEET THAT.

I was with a friend of mine this morning. I think I solved all of her problems.
Oh yeah? How?
I stopped causing them.
I don’t think you get credit for that.
She seemed grateful.

HEY, PIG. MY FOUR SISTERS ARE COMING OVER TODAY.
WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?
HELEN. MARY LEE. VYE LEE. BUT THAT REMINDS ME, MY MOM THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY TO GIVE THEM ALL THE SAME NAME.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT. ARE THEY EXCITED ABOUT THE VISIT?
NOT REALLY. EACH OF THEM HAS A STOMACH ACHE.
HEY. I HAVE A REMEDY FOR THAT.
WHAT'S THAT?
I DROP SOME ICE IN WATER. THE SOUND OF THE FIZZ RELAXES ME AND MAKES ME DREAM OF BUDDHA. THEN MY STOMACH SUDDENLY FEELS FINE.
THAT'S GREAT. HERE THEY COME NOW. TELL THEM AND YOU CAN GIVE THEM A STEP-BY-STEP CURE FOR STOMACH ACHES.
YOU TELL EACH OF US THE STEPS.
MARY LEE. MARY LEE. MARY LEE. MARY LEE. VYE-L'EE. FIZZ. BUDDHA. DREAM.
IT FEELS MORE LIKE A NIGHTMARE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
POSTING SOMETHING ON SOCIAL MEDIA THAT I HOPE WILL GO VIRAL. I HEARD THEIR ALGORITHMS PRIORITIZE CONFLICT.
SO WHAT DID YOU POST?
I want to punch you all in the face.
WHAT A WONDERFUL ERA.
HEY, MOST RETWEETS EVER.

3,660 HOURS OF NETFLIX PROGRAMS
IS THAT AN AD FOR NETFLIX?
MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS FOR THE YEAR.
YOU MUST BE SO PROUD.
I'M HOPING FOR A PRIZE.

LIFE'S MOTTO FROM BIRTH TO 2019:
THIS TOO SHALL PASS!
LIFE'S MOTTO IN 2020:
THIS WILL PROBABLY PASS.
LIFE'S MOTTO IN 2021:
WHAT THE @$%# IS HAPPENING?!
I SENSE A DOWNWARD TREND.
I FEAR NEXT YEAR'S.

OH, MY GOODNESS! I'M SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS DATE I'M ABOUT TO GO ON, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
YOU CAN'T MEET HER IN THAT STATE. YOU'LL MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF.
THEN WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO?! I'M JUST SO HAPPY!
HANG ON. I KEEP A "NEW YORK TIMES" REPORTER HERE FOR JUST THIS OCCASION.
EVERYONE'S DYING AND THE WORLD IS ENDING.
HEY. IT WORKED.
YEAH. THEY CAN REALLY BRING YOU DOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, RAT?
OUR NATIONAL PASTIME.
I JUST LOVE THE CRACK OF THE BAT, THE HITTING, THE RUNNING. THE STEALING.
BASEBALL DOES HOLD US ALL TOGETHER.
BASEBALL? I'M WATCHING RIOTING.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED IN THIS COUNTRY.
OH, YEAH. BASEBALL WAS MUCH LESS EXCITING.

Make every day better than the last!
NOT HARD WHEN THE DAYS ARE AS CRAPPY AS THESE.
PLEASE DON'T WRITE IN MY MOTIVATIONAL DIARY.