Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I DECIDED TO TURN MY DUSTY OLD GARAGE INTO A MOD ART INSTALLATION. IT'S A TRIBUTE TO MAGICIANS' WANDS.
WHY'S THE COP HERE?
OH. SOMEONE CAME THROUGH HERE LAST NIGHT AND VANDALIZED IT.
MIGHT HAVE STOLEN SOME OF THEM, TOO. WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE THAT OUT.
WELL, IF I'M GONNA GET THE GUY WHO DID THIS, I'LL NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING THAT HAS DAMAGED OR STOLEN. I CAN SEE ONE OF THEM OVER THERE IS MISSING.
YEAH.
AND ANOTHER WAND'S GONE. AND ANOTHER HAND'S GONE. ANOTHER WAND'S BY THE DUST.
HE BIT THE DUST.

HEY, GOAT, HAVE YOU MET OUR NEW PET, "PSYCHO KILLER BUNNY"?
HAHA, NO. BUT I LOVE THE NAME.
DIE!
DIE!
DIE!
NEVER CONDESCEND TO "PSYCHO KILLER BUNNY."

FRIED CHICKEN AND BEER, HUH? A DIET LIKE THAT WILL TAKE TEN YEARS OFF YOUR LIFE, YOU FOOL.
IF THE PURPOSE OF YOUR LIFE IS JUST TO PROLONG YOUR LIFE, THEN MAYBE THERE'S NOT MUCH LIFE TO PROLONG.
GOOD THING YOU HAVE TEN EXTRA YEARS TO THINK OF A COMEBACK.
YOU WAIT. IT'S COMING.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY. HOW'S IT GOING?
VERY WELL, THANK YOU. MY FIANCÉ JUST GOT ACCEPTED INTO BROWN UNIVERSITY.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. IS HE TRAINING TO BE A U.P.S. DRIVER?
NOT WHERE THEY'RE TRAINED.
IS HE HANDSOME WITH MEATY THIGHS?

DO YOU EVER THINK THAT YOUR LIFE THIS PAST YEAR HAS JUST BEEN TOO DARN BORING?
I GUESS IT DEPENDS ON HOW YOU DEFINE THE WORD.
LOOK IT UP IN THE DICTIONARY.
boring (adj.)
your life
THAT HURTS.

WARNING: BEARS IN AREA
WARNING: RATTLESNAKES
WARNING: UNINFORMED PEOPLE MAY START SPOUTING THEIR OPINIONS
WANT TO HEAR WHAT I THINK OF THE GOVERNMENT?
THAT WAS TERRIFYING.

THIS STUDY SAYS OPTIMISTS LIVE LONGER.
AND YET THEY STILL DIE.
PESSIMISM IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER.

HOUSE OF HORRORS
PREPARE TO BE TERRIFIED
ENTER IF YOU DARE
*CLICK*
TONIGHT ON THE NEWS...
HALLOWEEN WAS WEEKS AGO.
IT'S ALWAYS HALLOWEEN NOW.

DING!
D’YOU GET A TEXT?
NO.
D’YOU GET A TEXT?
NO.
STUPID T.V. SHOW.
USE DIFFERENT SOUNDS!

MY LIFE IS BORING AND SAD AND MISERABLE.
WELL, THEN FIX IT.
CAN'T. IT'S ALL THE FAULT OF IDIOTS AROUND ME.
NO, IT'S NOT. YOUR HAPPINESS IS YOUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY.
IT IS?
YES.
WELL, WHAT IDIOT MADE THAT RULE?
NEVER MIND.

THIS STRIP HAS SUCH A PUBLIC PLATFORM TO INFORM PEOPLE ABOUT SOCIAL ISSUES THAT MATTER.
THAT'S A GREAT POINT... WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO INFORM THEM ABOUT?
'CRWTH' IS A VALID SCRABBLE WORD.
I WAS THINKING BIGGER.
THAT'S PRETTY BIG.
TAKE THAT, STUPID VOWELS!

HEY, RAT. SORRY I'M TWENTY MINUTES LATE.
DON'T BE. SORRY IS SUCH A MEANINGLESS WORD ANYWAY.
INSTEAD, I'M TAKING YOU TO THE "PENALTY BOX FOR THE PERPETUALLY LATE."
YOU'LL BE HERE FOR TWENTY MINUTES. THAT WAY I CAN WASTE THE SAME AMOUNT OF YOUR TIME AS YOU WASTED OF MINE.
JUSTICE IS INVIGORATING.

Dear Universe,
Yesterday my life hit the bottom of the barrel.
Today I found out there's another barrel under that barrel.
Quick question:
How many barrels are in this stack?
I JUST NEED A ROUGH APPROXIMATION.

LITERALLY EVERYONE I ENCOUNTER IN THE WORLD ANNOYS ME.

WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
THAT I'M A MAGNET FOR STUPID PEOPLE.
YOU DRAW ODD CONCLUSIONS.
SURELY I'VE DONE MY TIME.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M THE LATEST SOFTWARE UPDATE FOR YOUR PHONE. I NOTICED YOU'VE BEEN IGNORING MY PROMPTS.
YEAH, YOU SEND A LOT OF THEM, BUT MY PHONE'S OLDER AND THE UPDATES ALWAYS SEEM TO MESS STUFF UP. SO THANKS ANYWAY.
UPDATE YOUR PHONE.
NO.
UPDATE YOUR PHONE.
NO.
HI, I'M TIM COOK, C.E.O. OF APPLE. UPDATE YOUR PHONE OR I'LL KICK YOU RIGHT IN THE OOMPA LOOMPAS.
I UPDATED MY PHONE.

HEY, RAT, WHAT'S WITH THE HALO? YOU SUDDENLY TRYING TO CONVINCE US THAT YOU'RE GOOD?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
SORRY.
IT'S SO HARD TO GAUGE TIME IN COMIC STRIPS.

WHAT KEEPS ME FROM BEING AS SUCCESSFUL AS I COULD BE?
FEAR OF FAILING. ELIMINATE IT.
FEAR?
FAILING.
ADVICE IS OVERRATED.

WHAT ARE THE ISSUES IN THIS COUNTRY THAT WORRY YOU THE MOST?
THERE'S THIS BIG CHUNK OF LAND AT THE TOP OF WISCONSIN THAT DOESN'T EVEN TOUCH MICHIGAN, AND YET SOMEHOW MICHIGAN TOOK IT.
I FEAR WISCONSIN FIGHTING THEM FOR IT.
WASN'T ONE OF MY TOP TEN ISSUES.
DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY'LL HIT THEM WITH CHEESE WHEELS?

Hulloooo, Larry wife.
Me kill a cheeken for you dinner.
Well, thank you Bob. How very kind.
You beeleev dat? He buy from restruunt.
Yes, Larry. I believe it. He's a skilled hunter.
Me kill a cole slaw.

HOW YOU DOING, PIG?
GREAT. I FINALLY RENTED THIS APARTMENT I OWN TO TWO GUYS WHO DRESS LIKE EVEL KNIEVEL.
SO YOU'RE THE LESSOR OF TWO EVELS.
MAY ALL YOUR STUNTS GO AWRY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
SELLING MY MICROWAVE, MY STOVE, AND MY CAR.
OH YEAH, WHY? ARE YOU GETTING NEW ONES?
NOPE.
I AM ELIMINATING ALL THREE DEVICES FROM MY LIFE FOREVER.
SOME GUYS HATE CHANGING THE CLOCKS MORE THAN OTHERS.
DON'T THINK I DON'T SEE YOU, COFFEE MAKER!

HOPE
OKAY, I'LL TAKE SOME.
HERE YOU GO.
A BALLOON? WHAT GOOD IS A BA---
HEY! WHAT THE? WHAT'S GOING ON?
TAKES YOU TO A NEW WORLD!
WHERE?
SOMEWHERE THAT'S NOT HERE!
ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER.

WELL, MY TRAVEL PLANS ARE SET. GONNA HEAD TO SPAIN AND PORTUGAL. HOW ABOUT YOU? ARE YOU GOING ANYWHERE?
OH... WELL... I'M THINKING OF GOING SOMEWHERE GREAT.
LIKE MAYBE... MONEY ISLAND, WHERE I CAN FIND STACKS OF CASH TO SEE EUROPE!!!
MAYBE I'LL DISCUSS THIS WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
NO, GO ON, MR. PRIVILEGED.

PLAN FOR LIFE
-Publish novel by age 30
-Win Pulitzer by 35
-Become millionaire by 40
-Retire by 45
-Travel entire world by 50
WHAT'S ALL THAT, NEIGHBOR NED?
MY PLAN FOR LIFE. YOU SHOULD DO ONE TOO.
Eat Pizza by 6 (o'clock)
HARD FOR ME TO SEE PAST DINNER.

Self-Improvement
Worksheet
All of us should
strive to be a
professional in
everything we do.
Because being a
pro means being:
PROactive
PROductive
PROmising
PROud
In what
ways
are you
a pro?
I
PROcrastinate.
GOOD TO KNOW I'M A
PRO AT SOMETHING.