Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, GOAT. DID YOU READ THE MANUSCRIPT OF THAT BOOK I'M WRITING?
YEAH, I LIKED IT.
WHEN A WRITER ASKS YOU WHAT YOU THINK OF HIS LATEST WORK, YOUR ANSWER MUST CONTAIN ONE OF TWO PHRASES: "UNSURPASSED BRILLIANCE" OR "UNPARALLELED GENIUS."
YOU'VE FALLEN SHORT.
NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH A WRITER.
BRILLIANT WRITER. SAY IT LOUD.

MONDAY WAS TERRIBLE.
TUESDAY WAS TERRIBLE.
TODAY WAS TERRIBLE.
WELL, TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY.
WAY TO BRING ME DOWN.
MEANT TO COMFORT.
ODD LOGIC WHEN DAYS ARE THE PROBLEM.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS. TEACH ME ONE OF LIFE'S TRUISMS.
IN ANY MEETING OF PEOPLE, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE AT LEAST ONE GUY WHO ASKS QUESTIONS ONLY TO DEMONSTRATE HIS OWN KNOWLEDGE TO OTHERS.
IS THAT LIKE WHAT THEY TAUGHT ME ABOUT IN MY GRADUATE THESIS COURSE ON THE GREEK ETHOS OF--
JUST MY LUCK I GET THE ONE.

WELL, HOWDY-DO AND GOOD MORNING TO YOU, RAT!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
EVERY DAY I TRY TO DO ONE NICE THING FOR OTHERS. THIS WEEK MY NICE THING IS CHEERY MORNING GREETINGS. YOU SHOULD TRY DOING ONE NICE THING A DAY TOO.
THERE. JUST DID IT.
WHAT WAS IT?
DIDN'T PUNCH YOU FOR THAT CHEERY MORNING GREETING.
NON-MORNING PEOPLE SHOULD ALWAYS BE LEFT ALONE.

LIFE'S ASS
WAITING HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS. LIFE HAS BEEN QUITE HARD LATELY. THE VIRUS. THE DISASTERS. THE DIVISION...WHAT CAN WE DO?
YOU CAN REMEMBER ONE THING.
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
REALLY?
I PROMISE.
THEN YOU GET ALL NEW PROBLEMS.
WANT THE GOOD NEWS OR THE BAD?

HEY, PIG, IT'S ME, GOAT. YOU COMING TO THE DINER TONIGHT FOR DINNER?
CAN'T. I'M TAKING A NICE, RELAXING BUBBLEBATH.
ANOTHER ONE? YOU WERE TAKING A BATH WHEN I INVITED YOU TO BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.
I NEVER LEFT.
SOME PEOPLE DON'T GET BUBBLEBATHS.

DID YOU
GET
VACCINATED?
YEP.
BOTH
SHOTS.
I GOT
BOTH SHOTS
AND
BOOSTED.
I GOT BOTH SHOTS, BOOSTED AND DOUBLE-BOOSTED!
I GOT BOTH SHOTS, BOOSTED, DOUBLE-BOOSTED, TRIPLE-BOOSTED, AND WILL NOW JAB THIS NEEDLE OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN INTO MY ARM JUST TO PROVE MY SUPERIORITY!
THIS
IS NOT
A
COMPETITION.
I'M
FAINTING,
BUT STILL
BETTER
THAN YOU.
WRONG.
I'LL
USE
THIS
NEEDLE.

HEY, RAT... WHY'D YOU BRING YOUR CROQUET MALLET TO THE DINER?
TO WHACK EACH AND EVERY PERSON I CAN FIND WHO'S BEEN POSTING THEIR WORDLE SCORES ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
AT LEAST THERE'LL BE NO WAIT FOR A TABLE.

MY CIRCLE OF ACQUAINTANCES PRE-PANDEMIC...
THE CIRCLE OF ACQUAINTANCES I WAS UNFORTUNATELY LIMITED TO DURING THE PANDEMIC...
THE CIRCLE OF ACQUAINTANCES I'M EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT I'M NOW CHOOSING...
PANDEMICS HAVE STRANGE CONSEQUENCES.
NOW I JUST NEED MY DOG AND MY CHEESE.

IF YOU COULD BE ANYONE ELSE, WHO WOULD YOU BE ?
A GUY WHO NEVER WANTS TO BE ANYONE ELSE.
PLEASE. DON'T INJECT DEPTH INTO MY SHALLOW BANTER.
BRAD PITT.

Tracking the Coronavirus
New cases
35,488
% change
-52%
Tracking the Desperation Caused by Isolation and Loneliness
New cases
5,382,548
% change
+38%
CASES ARE RISING.

TOURNAMENT BRACKET
MORNING PEOPLE
GRAMMAR SNOBS
MORNING PEOPLE
INTERNET TROLLS
ELEVATOR WHISTLERS
INTERNET TROLLS
SOCIAL MEDIA OVERSHARERS
PEOPLE WHO INCLUDE YOU IN TEXT CHAINS YOU DON'T WANT TO BE ON
SOCIAL MEDIA OVERSHARERS
TELEMARKETERS
PEOPLE WHO DRIVE 55 IN THE FAST LANE
DEBBIE DOWNERS
THE "I'M OFFENDED" CROWD
THE "I'M OFFENDED" CROWD
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
CYCLISTS
SOME PEOPLE USE THESE BRACKETS FOR COLLEGE BASKETBALL
PEOPLE WHO TURN EVERY MINOR BATTLE TO THE DEATH
HOW FAR DO YOU HAVE SELF-RIGHTEOUS VEGANS GOING?

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I'VE TURNED TO ALL THE GREAT RELIGIONS AND PHILOSOPHIES OF THE EAST AND WEST, AND I STILL DON'T KNOW THE SECRET OF HAPPINESS.
DRINKING WINE IN A BUBBLEBATH.
IT WAS SO DARN OBVIOUS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO SET SOME WORK GOALS.
OH, YEAH? LIKE WHAT?
Don't do any.
HELPS TO KEEP ME FOCUSED.

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT (UPDATED FOR THE PRESENT.)
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
ANY QUESTIONS?
SO SOCIAL MEDIA IS A HEALTHY BREAKFAST?

HEY, THOMAS! YOU ANSWERED.
HEY, DAD. WHY WOULDN'T I?
YOU KEEP YOUR RINGER OFF.
YEAH. I JUST HAPPENED TO BE LOOKING AT THE PHONE. BUT THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS TEXT.
YOU DON'T ANSWER THE TEXTS.
WHEN THAT HAPPENS, JUST CALL.
MY KIDS WILL BE GREAT AT AVOIDING BILL COLLECTORS.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHOULD SAY SOMETHING?
I USE THE OLD BUDDHIST TEST.
WHAT'S THAT?
I ASK:
1) IS IT NICE?
2) IS IT TRUE?
3) IS IT NECESSARY?
IF IT FAILS ALL THREE, I SAY IT.
YOU MAY HAVE THAT WRONG.
HMM... SHOULD I SAY WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY NEXT?

- BOUGHT HOUSE.
- RAISED TWO KIDS.
- SAVED FOR RETIREMENT.
- RAN MARATHON
- HEAD OF OWN COMPANY
- READ 1,000 BOOKS.
WHAT’S THAT, NEIGHBOR BOB?
A LIST OF MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS SO FAR IN LIFE. HELPS TO KEEP ME FOCUSED. YOU SHOULD TRY IT.
Enjoyed cheese.
ONE OF US HAS WASTED A WHOLE LOT OF TIME.

COVID begins. Lockdown begins.
Help kids with online classes. Work from home.
Get binge watching subscription of choice.
CASES DOWN! Move four spaces.
Get frustrated with kids.
Move two spaces.
Cases rising. No toilet paper.
COVID TESTING DAY
Move two spaces.
Test negative. Move forward three spaces. Hope it’s accurate.
Contemplate moving to South Pacific and not telling anyone.
CASES DOWN! Move forward four spaces!
Schools close again. Find child care.
Remember how much you love co-workers.
Help kids with more online classes.
YOU HIT BREAKING POINT.
ANOTHER COVID TESTING DAY
Plan family’s healthy, Plan first family vacation. Everyone on a plane! Hawaii!
Move forward 5 spaces.
COVID. Vacation nonrefundable. Lose $5,000.
Play kid’s new boxing game. Smash TV. LOSE TURN and patience.
FINISH
Driver’s license in photo! Pizza in house! Hope kids don’t see it online.
Help kids with more online classes.

IF THERE IS A GOD, WHY DOES HE LET ALL THE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN THE WORLD HAPPEN?
BECAUSE HE'S GIVEN US BEER. AND BEER IS GOD'S WAY OF APOLOGIZING FOR EVERYTHING ELSE.
SO ALCOHOL IS GOD'S MAKE-UP GIFT.
NOT TEQUILA. THAT'S FROM SATAN.

Dear cell phone company,
Every time I call someone who doesn't pick up, I hear your automated recording tell me two things:
1) To leave a message at the tone; and
2) To hang up when I'm finished.
Please be advised I have mastered these skills and no longer need your instruction.
GOOD COMIC STRIPS HELP MOVE SOCIETY FORWARD.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, MY FRIEND AND I JUST FOUND OUT YOU'RE ON THE COUNTY'S LIST OF REGISTERED PHILATELISTS AND WE WANT YOU OUT OF OUR TOWN.
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT I DO?
WE ASK QUESTIONS LATER, PHIL.
PHILATELISTS CAN BE VICIOUS WHEN CORNERED.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, GOAT?
IT'S A MAP OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD THAT SHOWS WHERE ALL THE REGISTERED PHILATELISTS LIVE.
OH MY GOD. THERE'S ONE LIVING RIGHT NEXT DOOR.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I SHOULD PROBABLY ASK WHAT A PHILATELIST IS.

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, PIG?
THAT DOG IS DOING HIS BUSINESS ON OUR LAWN AGAIN.
PROUD OF YOUR POTTY HUMOR?
WATCH ME GO.

I HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START.
WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE THAT, I SIT DOWN AND START WRITING OUT POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS.
1) Get rocket.
2) Leave planet.
MAYBE MORE PRACTICAL.
HURRY UP, TECHNOLOGY. HURRY UP, TECHNOLOGY.