Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, JEFF THE CYCLIST.
HOW WAS YOUR MORNING?
GOOD. BIKED FORTY MILES. ANSWERED THREE HUNDRED EMAILS, AND WROTE A LENGTHY ARTICLE ON MEN'S HEALTH.
I COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO THROW OUT AN EMPTY POTATO CHIP BAG.
IS MY CONTEMPT FOR YOU SHOWING?
IT'S THAT TWENTY-FOOT WALK TO THE TRASHCAN.

WHAT I'M STRIVING FOR IN LIFE
- Lots of money
- Big house
- Nice car
- Early retirement
WHAT I'M STRIVING FOR IN LIFE
Leftover pizza
THIS SAVES SO MUCH TIME.

DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A SUCCESS?
I DO.
WHAT'S BEEN THE KEY?
LYING TO MYSELF.
WHAT A TIME-SAVER.
SELF-DELUSION IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER.

WELL, I CAN EITHER GET MY WORK DONE OR GO ON MY PHONE...
GO ON PHONE.
DO MY WORK.
GO ON PHONE.
DO MY WORK.
GO ON PHONE.
WELL, LOOK WHO LOSES AGAIN.
THE DILEMMA OF OUR AGE.
OH, YOU SAD LITTLE PENCIL.

Dear Dad,
Every time I interact with you, I feel like you're critiquing me. And I don't know anyone else with who that happens.
WHOM.
BUT KEEP TRYING, DUNDERHEAD.
PARENTAL RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE COMPLICATED.

I CAN EITHER SAY I HAD A BAD WRITING DAY OR A GREAT DRINKING ONE.
GO WITH DRINKING.
I KNEW I FELT PRODUCTIVE.

HEY, BARTENDER. GIMME A DRINK NOW.

SORRY, SON, GOT OTHER CUSTOMERS AHEAD OF YOU.
DON'T CARE. I WANT IT NOW.
YES, WELL, THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU.
YES, IT DOES.
MUST BE NICE.
COMES IN HANDY.

MA, PA, AL.
OH, HI.
OK?
ME?
STOP WRITING DIALOGUE USING ONLY STATE ABBREVIATIONS.
OR?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I JUST HAD THE MOST HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE.
EVERYONE WAS AFRAID OF SAYING THE WRONG THING. BECAUSE IF YOU DID, YOU WERE OSTRACIZED AND YOUR CAREER WAS OVER.
NOT A NIGHTMARE. REAL LIFE. ALSO, I'VE NEVER MET YOU AND CONDEMN YOUR VERY EXISTENCE.
MAYBE I'LL JUST STAY IN BED.

HOW DO YOU GET THROUGH MONDAYS?
I TRY TO REMEMBER THAT FRIDAY IS JUST THREE AWAY.
OOH, THAT'S GREAT. I--
WAIT... HOW DO YOU FIGURE FRIDAY'S THREE DAYS AWAY?
THE ONE THAT JUST PASSED.
SOMEHOW THAT DOESN'T DO IT FOR ME.

DO WE REALLY NEED A "FAIRNESS DOCTRINE" TO ENSURE THE MEDIA WILL BE FAIR?
WE DON'T.
DO WE REALLY NEED CIVICS CLASSES FOR THESE KIDS?
WE DON'T.
DO WE REALLY NEED TO BE REGULATING SOCIAL MEDIA COMPANIES LIKE PUBLISHERS?
WE DON'T.
DO WE REALLY NEED THIS MANY REPORTERS COVERING GOVERNMENT?
WE DON'T.
DO WE REALLY NEED FUNDING FOR MENTAL HEALTH?
WE DON'T.
DO WE REALLY NEED THIS MUCH BARBED WIRE AROUND GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS?
AND THAT'S FOR FAKING THE MOON LANDING!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
THEY SAY IF YOU JUST SMILE, YOU CAN ALMOST TRICK YOUR BRAIN INTO ACTUALLY BEING HAPPY FOR NO REASON.
MY BRAIN JUST SAID TO CUT OFF THE NONSENSE.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN AN ALL-KNOWING GOD?
I DO. I PRAY TO HIM EVERY NIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP. I PRAY THE GOOGLE MY SOUL TO KEEP.
I DON'T THINK GOOGLE'S THAT POWERFUL.
WHOA. WAY TO TEMPT THE GOOGLE.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT THIS MAYOR SAID ON TWITTER ABOUT OUR COUNTRY'S PROBLEMS?
OH, I DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I THOUGHT YOU HAD A TWITTER ACCOUNT.
I DO.
BUT TWITTER'S FOR SHOUTING, NOT LISTENING.
MAYBE YOU'RE OUR COUNTRY'S PROBLEM.
GET THIS... THIS GUY'S A LISTENER.

EVER HEAR OF "STEERING ASSIST"?
YEAH. IF YOUR CAR DRIFTS ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, IT GENTLY SETS IT STRAIGHT.
YES. WELL, I'VE DESIGNED A SIMILAR SYSTEM FOR HUMANS WHOSE BEHAVIOR DRIFTS OFF COURSE. IT'S CALLED "STICK-TO-THE-HEAD."
I DON'T THINK LIFE WORKS THAT WAY.
OH, BUT IT SHOULD.

OH, WISE ASS, WHY ARE WE ALL SO ANGRY?
ONCE, NETWORKS RAN THEIR NEWS DIVISIONS AT A LOSS BECAUSE THEY SAW NEWS AS A PUBLIC SERVICE.
NOW THE NEWS IS PROFIT-DRIVEN, SO THE GOAL IS NOT TO INFORM, BUT TO FEED YOU WHATEVER KEEPS YOU ENGAGED. AND WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY, YOU'RE ENGAGED.
THIS IS BAD.
HE SUMS THINGS UP NICELY.

Dear World,
Please go easy on
me this week,
I am not in a good
place.
YOU CAN'T TELL THE WORLD THAT. THE
WORLD LIKES NOTHING MORE THAN TO
POUNCE ON YOU WHEN YOU'RE DOWN.
P.S. You should
seek therapy.

WITH ALL THE TIME PEOPLE NOW SPEND CREATING
CONSPIRACY THEORIES ONLINE, WE THOUGHT WE'D
HELP YOU CREATE YOUR OWN! JUST CUT OUT AN
OPTION FROM PANEL "A" AND PAIR IT WITH OPTIONS IN
PANELS 'B', 'C', AND 'D' AND YOU'RE READY TO GO!
MEMBERS OF A SHADOW U.S. GOVERNMENT
TECHNOLOGY COMPANIES
RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS
SPACE ALIENS LIVING IN ROSWELL
ARE COLLECTING DATA ON
NOW CONTROL
WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO DESTROY
ARE ORCHESTRATING A COUP TO GAIN CONTROL OF
OUR WAY OF LIFE
TOMATO SOUP CANS
ALL THE WORLD'S SQUIRRELS
YOUR MAMA
AND THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING!
AND IT STARTS AT NOON TOMORROW!
AND THEN WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
AND WE'LL ALL BE FORCED TO READ
MORE 'PEARLS BEFORE SWINE' COMICS!
NOW I'M MORE
SCARED
THAN EVER!!
IF YOU POST
IT ONLINE IT'S
AUTOMATICALLY
TRUE.
THAT COMICS
ARE NOT
FUNNY IS
REALLY
FRIGHTENING.

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
BUYING A MODEL TRAIN SET.
I LOVE MODEL TRAINS. WHAT SCALE SIZE? N? O? HO? ONE WITH DIGITAL COMMAND CONTROL?
ONE THAT GOES "CHOO CHOO."
I SEE.
I LIKE TO KEEP IT SIMPLE.

HEY, RAT. WHAT'S THAT?
A GET-WELL CARD.
OH.
OH, I'M NOT ILL, AND BESIDES, I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE GIVING ME ANYTHING. I THOUGHT YOU'D BE UPSET I TOOK THE LAST OF THE COFFEE WITHOUT MAKING A NEW POT.
IS A GET-WELL CARD STILL THOUGHTFUL IF YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CAUSED THE HARM?
I LIKE TO THINK SO.

Class Assignment
Please state your hopes for the future.
Was not aware there would be one.
MAYBE I JUST SHOULDN'T ASK THIS GENERATION.
DRINKING MORE IS THE ANSWER, BOB.

TONIGHT ON THE NEWS, WE'LL KEEP YOU UP TO DATE ON EVERYTHING HAPPENING IN THE WORLD.
SPECIFICALLY, THOSE STORIES THAT ALREADY CONFORM TO YOUR WORLD VIEW, SO AS TO CONFIRM THAT ALL YOUR BELIEFS AND OPINIONS ARE CORRECT.
THAT AND WE'LL MAKE LOTS OF MONEY AND YOU'LL THINK YOU'RE A GENIUS.
NOT SURE THAT'S STILL NEWS.
IT'S NEWS IF THEY CALL IT NEWS!

WHATCHA DOING, NEIGH-BOR BOB?
WRITING AN OBITUARY FOR MY UNCLE. I TALK ABOUT HIS SUCCESS AS A DAD, A HUSBAND, A BUSINESSMAN, AND A PHILANTHROPIST...
THAT'S VERY NICE.
YEAH. IT'S HARD TO SUM UP A PERSON. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE PEOPLE TO SAY ABOUT YOU?
I WAS A BUG SPLATTERED ON THE WINDSHIELD OF LIFE.
BRIEF.
NO ONE LIKES A LONG-SPEECH, BOB.

I DON'T HAVE THE JOB I WANT.
I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY I WANT. I DON'T HAVE THE HOUSE I WANT.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WHAT WE ATTAIN. IT'S ABOUT THE JOURNEY WE'RE ON.
ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET?
NOT SURE WHY I TRY.
LEMME OUT. I'M GETTING CARSICK.

EXCUSE ME EXCUSE ME Excuse
JOHN J. SMITH.
YESSS! WOO! WOO! GO JOHN!
EXCUSE me Excuse me Excu
ATTENDING GRADUATION MADE EASY.
IT'S MUCH MORE EFFICIENT.
'CAUSE WHO WANTS TO HEAR OTHER NAMES?