Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, GOAT. WHO'S YOUR FRIEND THERE?
HE'S A GRAMMAR PROFESSOR.
OH, YEAH? TELL ME A LITTLE ABOUT YOUR LIFE AND WHAT YOUR FOCUS OF STUDY IS.
PAST PERFECT. FUTURE PERFECT.
SOME GUYS ARE JUST TOO ARROGANT.

WELL, I FINALLY HAVE A NOTEBOOK OF WITTY RETORTS I CAME UP WITH FOR WHEN SOMEONE INSULTS ME. I'M TIRED OF NEVER HAVING A CLEVER COMEBACK.
DUDE, HOW LAME CAN YOU BE?
SAME TO YOU.

Places I will go before I die:
1)
2)
3)
THOSE ARE SUCH FUN LISTS TO WRITE. THEN YOU CAN CHECK OFF EACH PLACE AS YOU VISIT THEM.
1) Doctors office
2) Hospital
3) Hospice care
YOU HAVE ODD REACTIONS TO THINGS.

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
TO HAVE A GREAT TIME AT MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT!
I LIKE TO SAY SENTENCES THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN UTTERED.

CORRUPTION
LIST OF PROBLEMS WITH OUR GOVERNMENT?
LIFE GOALS.
I'M GONNA SIT OVER THERE.
HEY. I DON'T KNOCK YOUR CHILDHOOD DREAMS.

WHATCHA DOING, GOAT?
IT'S THIS TEST ASKING HOW YOU WOULD FIX THE WORLD IF YOU COULD. BUT YOUR ANSWER HAS TO FIT ON ONE PIECE OF PAPER.
Less talk.
More cheese.
IT CAN BE BIGGER THAN A POSTAGE STAMP.
DON'T NEED IT.

NO MORE BEING LAZY. I'M GONNA START WORKING OUT AND LOSING WEIGHT.
5 STEPS… 10… 15…
8 JUMPING JACKS… 9… 10… 11… 12… 13…
15 PUSH-UPS… 16… 17… 18… 19… 20…
PHEW! LET'S SEE HOW MANY CALORIES I BURNED. 200! YES!
I DESERVE A SMOOTHIE TO CELEBRATE.
SLLLOOOOOUUURRPP…
SMOOTHIE
CALORIES: 1,050
LIFE IS BEST LIVED LIKE A SLUG.

OH, GREAT! NICE ASS. NEIGHBOR BOB HAS A BIGGER HOUSE THAN
ME, A NICER CAR THAN ME, AND MORE MONEY THAN ME.
YES, I KNOW. HE WAS JUST HERE.
WHAT FOR?
SOME GUY HAS A BIGGER PLANE THAN HIM.
WE’RE ALL DOOMED.

WHY DO YOU DRINK SO MUCH BEER?
BECAUSE BEER IS TO DUMB GUYS WHAT BOOKS ARE TO SMART ONES -- JUST HAVING A LOT OF THEM MAKES YOU FEEL A WHOLE LOT SMARTER.
I READ MY BOOKS.
I DRINK MY BEERS.

YEAH, FRED, WE CAN EITHER FIX IT TODAY OR FRIDAY. CALL ME. 555-1212.
HELLO?
THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR CONVERSATION!
GRATITUDE IS SO IMPORTANT.

HI, I'M LOOKING TO RELAX AND DO A LITTLE CAMPING, BUT I'LL NEED GEAR.
TENTS?
MY EMOTIONAL STATE IS REALLY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
IT'S SO HARD TO FIND GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE.

I'M STARTING TO REALIZE THAT OVER THE COURSE OF MY LIFE, I'VE BEEN REALLY SELFISH AND SELF-ABSORBED.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU CHANGE?
I'M ENJOYING IT TOO MUCH.
NEVER MIND.
THERE'S LOGIC BEHIND THIS.

YOU GUYS COMING TO MY 25TH ANNIVERSARY?
OF WHAT?
MY 29TH BIRTHDAY.
IS THAT A THING?
A SAD THING.
THOSE POOR THIRTY-SOMETHINGS.

IN THE NEWS TODAY, FOUR MUGGINGS OCCURRED IN...
A SUSPECTED TERRORIST HAS...
A MYSTERIOUS ILLNESS KILLED...
WAR BROKE OUT IN...
IN THE NEWS TODAY...
9,673 PEOPLE WALKED IN THE PARK WITHOUT INCIDENT.
24,347 PEOPLE ENJOYED THEIR TRIPS TO EUROPE.
2,114,250 PEOPLE WERE HAPPY AND HEALTHY.
AND 75 WARS DIDN'T START.
NEWS THAT PUTS NEWS IN PERSPECTIVE.
I'M SANER ALREADY.

HEY, PIG, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD?
SOMEONE HURT MY FEELINGS.
IF ONLY IT WORKED THAT WAY.
A GUY CAN HOPE.

HOT WEATHER WE'RE HAVING LATELY, HUH?
ANNOYING GUY BINGO
BINGO!
WHAT'S THAT NOW?
COOL IT, PAL. I ALREADY WON.

HI. I JUST PUT SOME MONEY INTO ONE OF YOUR SLOT MACHINES AND IT TOTALLY RIPPED ME OFF.
WATCH IT, PAL...WE DON'T RIP OFF ANYONE.
YEAH, BUT YOU DID. YOU STOLE MY MONEY.
THAT DOES IT. NOW YOU'LL BE SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES.
IT'S NOT AS BAD AS THEY MAKE IT SOUND.

WELL, RAT, I'M AFRAID YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE AND CHOLESTEROL ARE BOTH HIGH. YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE SOME CHANGES TO YOUR DIET.
WHAT CHANGES?
WELL, SINCE PROPER NUTRITION CAN SOMETIMES BE A LITTLE CONFUSING, I'VE MADE A CHART TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR MY PATIENTS.
THERE'S A REASON PEOPLE AVOID THE DOCTOR.

HEY, GOAT, WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT GAME WE USED TO PLAY AS KIDS WITH THE TOY GUNS AND ARROWS?
COWBOYS AND INDIANS?
NATIVE AMERICANS. CANCELED.
BUT YOU ASKED ME THE—
PIPE DOWN, MR. ERASER SHAVINGS.

I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT RACE IN THIS SPEECH I HAVE TO GIVE.
YOU'RE CANCELED.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.
DOESN'T MATTER.
ERASE ERASE ERASE
I CAN SEE THE APPEAL OF THIS.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS. I NEED YOUR HELP WITH A PROBLEM.
WHAT IS IT, MY SON?
I TRY SOMETHING NEW AND I FAIL. AND I QUIT. SO I TRY SOMETHING ELSE NEW, AND I FAIL AND QUIT. AND TRY SOMETHING ELSE NEW AND FAIL AND FAIL AND FAIL.
SO YOU TRY SOMETHING ONLY ONCE. YOU NATURALLY FAIL. AND YOU IMMEDIATELY QUIT AND TRY SOMETHING NEW. DON'T YOU THINK THE PROBLEM IS RATHER OBVIOUS?
TRYING IS THE ROOT OF ALL FAILURE!
THEN HE CRIED AND JUMPED OFF THE MOUNTAIN.

TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD IN THE 1970S THAT'S HARD TO BELIEVE.
I USED TO RIDE AROUND IN THE FRONT SEAT OF MY MOTHER'S CAR AND HARDLY EVER PUT ON MY SEATBELT.
SHE WANTED YOU DEAD.
I BELIEVE THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PLANNING A BIG PARTY. GONNA HAVE A TON OF WINE AND CHEESE.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW MANY GUESTS?
NONE. I JUST WANT THE WINE AND CHEESE.
NOT SURE THAT'S STILL A PARTY.
PLEASE DON'T RAIN ON MY SOCIAL CALENDAR.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IN THIS WORLD. WE NEED MORE ENERGY, BUT WE'RE DESTROYING THE PLANET.
I THINK THE ANSWER IS NUCLEAR.
YOU THINK THE ANSWER IS NUCLEAR PLANTS?
BOMBS. WE GO OUT ON OUR OWN TERMS.
THIS IS WHY I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS.

HEY, GOAT. IT’S ME, PIG.
HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO TODAY?
OH, JUST JUMPING OFF A CLIFF.
WHAT?? YOU CAN’T DO THAT.
CLIFF DOESN’T MIND.
I NEVER KNOW WHAT HE’S TALKING ABOUT.