Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
MAKING A LIST OF THE HAPPIEST PLACES ON EARTH.
YEAH, ACCORDING TO THIS HAPPINESS INDEX, IT'S FINLAND, DENMARK AND ICELAND. CAN I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE?
My comfy bed.
THE COUCH CAME IN SECOND.

DO YOU EVER WONDER IF ALL EXISTENCE IS JUST A CREATION OF THE MIND?
IT IS. I MADE YOU. AND YOU. AND THAT BUSH. AND WHEN I DIE, YOU ALL GO "POOF."
THAT'S GONNA RUIN MY TUESDAY.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
I JUST REALIZED THAT THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS TO HIDE RIGHT HERE IN MY CLOSET.
WHY IS THAT?
SO THIS TERRIFYING WORLD CAN'T GET ME.
IS HE THE CRAZY ONE OR AM I?
I'LL SAY IT'S BOTH OF YOU.

HOW TO TALK TO A PERSON WHO DOESN’T THINK LIKE YOU POLITICALLY
I SEE, WELL, THAT’S A VERY INTERESTING OPINION.
MAY I SUGGEST A DIFFERENT WAY TO LOOK AT THIS?
SURE...
GREAT, WELL, I THINK WE ALL BRING DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES TO THE ISSUES.
RIGHT. PERSPECTIVES BASED ON OUR PAST. OUR EXPERIENCE. OUR EDUCATION.
AGREED.
SO I THINK THE POINT IS THIS.
YOU MAY JUST BE A MORON.
NOT LIKE THAT.
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED HITTING YOUR HEAD AGAINST A WALL A SHOE UNTIL YOUR BRAIN RESTARTS :)
LEAVING NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
I HAVE A STUPID AMOUNT OF CONFIDENCE TODAY!
WHY IS THAT?
I'M STUPID.
HE MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING.

I NEED SO FEW THINGS TO BE HAPPY.
IT'S SO TRUE. FOR ME IT'S JUST A CUP OF COFFEE AND A SUNNY DAY. HOW 'BOUT YOU?
FOUR MILLION DOLLARS AND A PLANE.
A SIMPLE MAN.
BUT IT HAS TO BE THE RIGHT PLANE.

YOU ENTER THIS WORLD WITH NOTHING AND YOU LEAVE WITH NOTHING.
WHY DO YOU LEAVE WITH NOTHING?
YOU FORGET WHERE YOU PUT EVERYTHING.
LIFE IS CRUEL.
YOU DON'T FORGET THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
FLYING 'DUCK AIR.' HANG ON... THE CAPTAIN IS ABOUT TO GIVE THE SAFETY BRIEFING.
IF YOU FALL, YOU DIE.
I'VE DECIDED TO SWITCH AIRLINES.

HEY, RAT, I'M LOOKING TO GET FOOD DELIVERED. HAVE YOU EVER USED THE "DOORDASH" APP?
NO. ONLY "DOOR PUNCH."
WHAT'S "DOOR PUNCH"?
WHEN SOMEONE ANNOYS YOU, YOU SEND A PERSON TO THEIR HOUSE TO PUNCH THEM IN THE HEAD.
I'M GONNA HANG UP NOW.
HEY, WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS?

WELL, RAT, LOOKING AT OUR CREDIT CARD STATEMENT, IT APPEARS WE'RE SPENDING MONEY LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.
THOUGH, LOOKING AT THE NEWS...
THERE MIGHT NOT BE A TOMORROW!
I LOVE WHEN MY PROBLEMS CANCEL OUT MY PROBLEMS.

DANNY DONKEY WAS UNHAPPY WITH HIS LIFE.
I am unhappy.
My resolution for the New Year is to spend more time with people I don’t like…
Lemme guess…You buy the cheapest ties you can find.
NO.
Why bother with all the Christmas cookies? My neighbor keeps a key hidden in a fake rock!
Napping again? That lawn won’t mow itself!
Aunt Wilma Mr. Williams Jerry Sopor Betty Kantake Cliff Here Ron Shire Enrique Una Joe Fred Evan Nu
NANCY!!
DANNY DONKEY SPENT THE REST OF THE YEAR WITH HIS BOOKS IN A CLOSET.
THAT APPEALS FAR TOO MUCH TO ME.
DANNY DONKEY’S A GENIUS.
COULD I GET CHEESE DELIVERED?

HI. RESERVATION FOR 'HAHN.'
AH, OKAY. GIMME A SEC... IT'S MY FIRST DAY... YEAH HERE YOU ARE... 'HAHN,' PARTY OF ONE... WHICH MEANS YOU'RE...
'HAHN,' SOLO?
DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN BE FIRED ON YOUR FIRST DAY?

HOW WAS THAT COMEDY SHOW LAST NIGHT?
OH. MY GOSH, I LITERALLY ALMOST DIED LAUGHING.
OH, MY GOODNESS. SO DID YOU HAVE TO CALL THE PARAMEDICS AND GET THEM TO RESTART YOUR HEART?
HUH? NO. I JUST LAUGHED REALLY HARD.
SO YOU MEANT FIGURATIVELY!!
I'LL END THAT HABIT YET.
I LITERALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT FIGURATIVELY MEANS.

HEY, RAT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HEY, GOAT. I'M CLASSIFYING EVERYONE IN THE WORLD AS EITHER GOOD OR BAD.
BUT ISN'T THAT OUR PROBLEM THESE DAYS? WE FOOLISHLY SEE EVERYONE AS ALL GOOD OR ALL BAD, WHEN THE TRUTH IS THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE MORE NUANCED.
GOOD
BAD
GOAT

HEY, GOAT, COULD YOU HELP ME EDIT THIS NEWSPAPER STORY I'M WRITING?
SURE.
The crocodile's sharp teeth tore into the helpless swimmer, severing two of his arms and a leg.
THE STORY'S GOOD, BUT I THINK I'D QUIBBLE WITH THE HEADLINE.
MAN SUFFERS BOO-BOO
TONE IS SO HARD.
TRY "BIG BAD BOO BOO."

HEY, PIG, SINCE WE'VE BEEN HAVING TROUBLE LIVING TOGETHER LATELY, I THINK WE NEED TO START SETTING BOUNDARIES.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
DON'T COME OVER THIS WALL.
GOOD THING I'VE GOT THE FRIDGE.

I
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY
HOPING ONE CAN WILL THESE THINGS INTO EXISTENCE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, ZEBRA?
MY TWITTER FEED. ALL THE ACCOUNTS I FOLLOW ARE SUSPENDED.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?
WHUH HAPPEN IS CROCS BUY TWEETER FROM MOODY BILLIONARE. BUT EES OKAY - WE IS FREE SPEECH ABSOLUTISTS.
SO WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE JOURNALISTS I FOLLOW?
DEY NOT SAY NICE TINGS ABOUT CROCS. DEY GONE.
SO YOU'RE JUST BANNING EVERYONE.
NO. ME BAN PEOPLE WHO NO PRAISE CROCS. DEY GUD.
BUT YOU SAID YOU'RE IN FAVOR OF FREE SPEECH. IN WHAT SENSE IS THAT FREE?
ME FREE TO KICK YOU RIGHT OFF.
MAYBE NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA.
YOU BANNED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
READING THIS BOOK ON GEOGRAPHY.
THAT'S GREAT... MOST PEOPLE NEVER BOTHER TO EDUCATE THEMSELVES ON STUFF LIKE THAT.
THANKS.
NOW WHERE'S THE PART WHERE YOU CAN FALL OFF THE EDGE?
WORLD'S ROUND, PIG.
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHAT?

HEY, BARTENDER… GIMME ANOTHER BEER.
THAT'S YOUR FIFTH BEER AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRUNK AND ACTING FOOLISHLY. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GONNA HAPPEN IF YOU HAVE ANOTHER?
TOTAL ENLIGHTENMENT.
NOT HOW THAT WORKS.
PREPARE FOR SMARTOSITY!

HEY, PAL,
YOU DON'T
RECYCLE?
WHOA WHOA WHOA,
BUDDY...
MY FRIEND
HERE RECYCLES.
HE
RECYCLES
HIS CANS?
CANS? I THOUGHT
YOU MEANT
TIRED OLD JOKES.
I DID MY BEST TO DEFEND YOU.

Making a plan for your future is the key to success.
Today I will eat a ham sandwich.
I THINK THEY MEAN FURTHER OUT.
After
I may belch.

DING DING DING DING
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?? I'M GETTING A MILLION TEXTS.
HAHAHA... YOU'RE PART OF THIS GROUP TEXT.
SMASH SMASH SMASH
IT WAS THE ONLY WAY OUT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
THEY SAY IF YOU SMILE, YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SEEING IF IT WORKS IN REVERSE.
YOU'RE KINDA RUINING THIS.
YEP. ANGRIER THAN EVER.

You want to be what when you're older?
Dreams are great, but you have to be realistic.
Maybe there are easier paths.
No way, man.
Fat chance.
It doesn't matter what anyone else says. Nobody can stop you but you.
"The Adventures of Dream-Big Superpig."
A SUPERHERO MOVIE I'D ACTUALLY WATCH.