Pearls Before Swine | Search

AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM DR. RAT, NOTED ANTHROPOLOGIST AND RESIDENT GENIUS...
I HAVE RECENTLY COMPLETED AN EXHAUSTIVE STUDY AND HAVE DETERMINED THAT 50% OF ALL PEOPLE ARE MORONS.
SO WHEREVER YOU ARE, LOOK AT THE PERSONS ON YOUR LEFT AND RIGHT. ONE OF THEM IS A MORON.
SO FAR, VERY ACCURATE.
RIGHT BACK ATCHA.

HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN
HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN A GOOD BAR
I WISH HE'D STOP DOING THAT.
HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN A GOOD BAR

Idiots
Against
Being
Called
Idiots
YOU CALL YOURSELVES ‘IDIOTS’ ON THE SIGN.
Idiots
Against
Being
Called
Idiots
IT’S HARD TO BE AN IDIOT.

DO YOU THINK THERE'S A HEAVEN?

I KNOW THERE IS.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
DOGS HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE.
BEST EXPLANATION I'VE HEARD SO FAR.

DEATH BED CONFESSION
A ONE-ACT PLAY by Rat
WELL, GRAMPS... I GUESS THIS IS IT. ANY LAST WORDS ABOUT YOUR LIFE?
I MADE A LOT OF MONEY.
SO?
SO I WIN!
WIN WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
Ack.
AT LEAST HE WON.
IT'S GOOD TO GO OUT A WINNER.

HI...I'M CHARLIE, C.E.O. OF A LARGE COMPANY THAT SELLS YOU EVERY HOUSEHOLD GOOD.
IF YOU'RE LIKE THE REST OF US, YOU'RE PROBABLY CONCERNED ABOUT THE LARGE PRICE INCREASES YOU'RE SEEING ON MUCH OF WHAT YOU BUY.
BUT SADLY, THOSE PRICES BECAME NECESSARY DUE TO COVID-19, SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUES AND LABOR SHORTAGES, ALL OF WHICH RESULTED IN HIGHER COSTS FOR US.
BUT WHEN YOU PASSED ON THOSE COSTS TO US, YOU ADDED ON ADDITIONAL INCREASES THAT MADE YOUR PROFITS THE HIGHEST THEY'VE BEEN IN YEARS.
WHY YOU LOUSY RAT PUNK GRH
NIX THE COMIC.
I SPEAK TRUTH.
THIS RAT IS WORSE THAN THE DISEASE
REPLACE IT. REPLACE IT.

Dear Powers That Be In The Universe...
Lately, I've had so many setbacks that I had to check my calendar.
Is it 'PICK ON ME' MONTH.?
THEY RARELY TELL YOU.

THE
SUBTLETIES
OF
CARTOONING
TODAY'S LESSON:
TONGUE PLACEMENT!
TONGUE ABOVE MOUTH:
SATISFYING MEAL
TONGUE BELOW MOUTH:
DEAD
IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS.
WILL KEEP
TONGUE UP
ALWAYS.

DID YOU HEAR THIS STORY ABOUT ALL THESE PEOPLE GETTING 'MONKEYPOX'?
OH. SORRY... MONKEYPOX CAN'T BE A THING... I'M ALL OUT OF WORRY SPACE.
COME BACK ANOTHER TIME.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION.

SMILE! IT COSTS NOTHING.
IN THESE TIMES, IT TAKES A G@#*£? TON OF EFFORT!
I SHOULD EASE UP ON THE NEWS-READING.

WELL, JUST GOT DONE WITH EVERYTHING I WANTED TO GET DONE.
GEE, PIG. YOU'RE A LOT MORE EFFICIENT WITH YOUR TIME THESE DAYS.
YEAH. I JUST CUT OUT ALL THE THINGS THAT WASTED TIME.
LIKE WHAT?
CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK.
I SEE.
SAVES SIX HOURS A DAY.

You are cordially invited to our gala event. Please RSVP:
I will be attending.
I will not be attending.
I will not be attending.
Reason for not attending:
LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO DO THE STUPID THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO DO.
THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE.

HEY, PIG, GOING ANYWHERE THIS SUMMER?
NO. YOU ASKED ME THAT ALREADY.
I DID? I WAS JUST CURIOUS BECAUSE I’M GOING TO MY FAVORITE CITY IN NEW ZEALAND -
TAUMATAWHAKATANGIHANGAKOAUAUOTAMATEATURIPUKAKAPIKIMAUNGAHORONUKU-
POKAIWHENUAKITANATAHU.
WHERE?
TAUMATAWHAKATANGIHANGAKOAUAUOTAMATEATURIPUKAKAPIKIMAUNGAHORONUKU-
POKAIWHENUAKITANATAHU.
WHAT'S THAT?
HEY, THE PLACE WITH THE LONGEST NAME IN THE WORLD. LANAFNWFLPWLYNIGGYGOEGRY-
VNDROBWLLLLWSNYSLLOOGGOCH IN WALES IS CLOSE, BUT IT’S NOT AS LONG AS TAUMATAWHAKATANGIHANGAKOAUAUOTAMATEATURIPUKAKAPIKIMAUNGAHORONUKU-
POKAIWHENUAKITANATAHU.
YOU’RE ONLY DOING ALL THAT BECAUSE I TOLD YOU THAT LETTERING THE STRIP WAS HURTING MY HAND TODAY.
HOPE HE DOESN’T HAVE PNEUMONOULTRA-
MICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
BUILDING A DEPOT FOR MY MODEL TRAIN SET. WANT TO HELP?
OH, NO THANKS.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE WE LIVE AND THEN WE DIE AND EVERYTHING WE'VE DONE IS UNDONE AND FORGOTTEN AND ALL IS FOR NAUGHT. COULD HAVE JUST SAID YOU DIDN'T LIKE TRAINS.
I FIND MY LINE GETS ME OUT OF EVERYTHING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING EATING A HAMBURGER AND FRIES AT EIGHT IN THE MORNING?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
WE AS A SOCIETY HAVE AGREED TO ONLY EAT CERTAIN FOODS FOR BREAKFAST, YOU KNOW, LIKE EGGS, TOAST, CEREAL, HASH BROWNS.
AND YET HERE I AM FLAUNTING THAT ARBITRARY RULE.
I JUST LOVE STICKING IT TO THE MAN.

HEY, RAT, WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
DEVILED EGGS AND HAM.
WHY DO THEY CALL IT THAT?
BECAUSE I SHALL HURL YOUR SOUL INTO A FIERY PIT!!
AND YOU SHOULD HEAR THE HAM.

YOU OFFERING IT?
ASKING FOR IT.
THIS COULD GET CROWDED.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, ROBERT.
HE'S A PROFESSIONAL FILM CRITIC.
WHAT'S IT FEEL LIKE TO HAVE ALL
SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE WITH PHONES
NOW DOING THE EXACT SAME THING
AS YOU?
THAT HURTS.
YOU'RE NOW
JUST A
SQUIRT GUN
IN THE SEA.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I AM ALWAYS UNHAPPY AND ANGRY AND NEED TO KNOW IF MY FUTURE HOLDS ANYTHING BETTER.
YES, YOU WILL ACHIEVE EVERY GOAL YOU SET.
BUT WILL BE JUST AS UNHAPPY BECAUSE YOU STILL WON'T UNDERSTAND THAT HAPPINESS COMES FROM THE INSIDE.
I PUSHED HIM OFF THE MOUNTAIN.

PUTTING TOGETHER MY FANTASY TEAM. YOU CAN
PICK COMMENTATOR FORMER PLAYERS. THAT N.F.L.
COMMENTATOR HOWIE LONG GOT ME INTO IT.
WE'RE FRIENDS, SO I CALL HIM "HOW" FOR SHORT.
Well, that's good.
But who is B.A.T.T.?
Y.
Why?
WATT?
BECAUSE HE'S GOOD.
Yeah, WHICH
Watt? Is it the
Watt in the hall
of fame, OR is it
his brother?
J.J.?
THERE'S
NO. WARE
IS OVER
BACK THERE
BEFORE
WYNN.
NFL FANTASY DRAFT
J.J. WATT
DEMARUCUS WARE
ISAIAH WYNN
YA TIT TLE
NO.
WYNN.
NOT.
WYNN.
WHEN DID I EVEN
KNOW WHY YOU'RE DOING
ALL THIS.
Watt?
HOW Y?
How what?
HOW LONG.
AAAHHHHH!!!
I'M GOING
BACK TO MY
HOME.
MAHOMES
ISN'T UP
THERE.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
I WILL NOT
LET OTHERS’
CRITICISM
AFFECT ME.
I WILL NOT
LET OTHERS’
CRITICISM
AFFECT ME.
NOISE-
CANCELING
HEADPHONES
DON’T COUNT!
YOU
HAVE A
GOOD
DAY, TOO!

DO YOU THINK MIRACLES ARE POSSIBLE?
YES.
WHEN I DRINK, THE PEOPLE AROUND ME BECOME TOLERABLE.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S A MIRACLE.
YOU WOULD IF YOU KNEW THEM.

THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS TO TELL PEOPLE WHO'VE HURT YOU THAT YOU'RE WILLING TO FORGET THE PAST.
THAT'S VERY MATURE OF YOU. AND I BET IT MAKES THE OTHER PEOPLE FEEL GREAT.
IT DOES. SO THEY LET THEIR GUARD DOWN. AND THAT'S WHEN YOU CRUSH THEM.
MY KIND OF GENIUS CANNOT BE REPLICATED.

The Two-Step Guide to a Fulfilling Career
STEP 1:
Identify your favorite pastime.
SLEEPING
STEP 2:
Identify a money-making career that's related to it.
STEAL SOMEONE'S WALLET WHILE THEY'RE SLEEPING.
I JUST MASTERED LIFE

HEY, RAT, DID YOU USE MY CAR TODAY AND NOT REFILL THE TANK?
I DID.
WHAT POSSIBLE EXCUSE CAN YOU HAVE FOR BORROWING SOMEONE'S CAR AND NOT REFILLING THE TANK?
IT WAS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OUR SHAREHOLDERS.
ONLY WORKS FOR CORPORATIONS.
RAT, INC. APOLOGIZES TO NO ONE.