Pearls Before Swine | Search

WELL. I'M OFF TO THE MAYO CLINIC.
OH MY GOODNESS, PIG. IS SOMETHING WRONG?
I'M AFRAID SO.
WHAT IS IT?
I HAVE NOT BEEN EATING ENOUGH MAYONNAISE.
SHOULD I TELL HIM OR YOU?
IT'S LIKE I'VE FOUND MY PEOPLE.

HEY, PIG. HEARD YOU MADE YOUR OWN COFFEE TABLE. I'D LOVE TO SEE IT.
OH, SURE.
IT'S LITERALLY JUST FOR COFFEE.
WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU PUT ON A COFFEE TABLE?

HEY, GOAT, WHO'S YOUR VERY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD?
I THINK THAT'S SORT OF A QUESTION MOSTLY ASKED BY CHILDREN. AS AN ADULT, I DON'T REALLY THINK THAT WAY.
I PREFER TO STAY IN THE KIDDIE POOL OF LIFE.
NOT A BAD WAY TO LIVE, BUDDY.
HEY, DO YOU EAT THE INSIDE OF AN OREO FIRST?

HI, GOAT. HOW’S YOUR NEW EXERCISE PLAN? HAVE YOU QUIT YET?
HEY, THE WORD QUIT ISN'T EVEN IN MY VOCABULARY.
I HAVE A WORD LIKE THAT.
WHAT?
‘SHARING’
GOOD TO KNOW.
SHOOT. I SAID IT.

WHAT'S ALL THIS, BRO?
THE "MAGIC BOX O' SMARTNESS." HOP INSIDE AND WATCH AS YOUR INTELLIGENCE GROWS.
LET'S DO IT, DUDE.
YEAH, WE'LL BE, LIKE, WAY SMART.
ALRIGHT...NOW LET MAGIC RAT SEAL YOU TIGHTLY INSIDE.
HANG ON A SEC. THERE'S A BUNCH OF STUFF IN HERE.
OH, YEAH. THOSE ARE BOOKS.
WHEN YOU'RE DONE READING 'EM, I'LL TOSS IN MORE.
SO IT'S NOT SO MUCH MAGIC AS IT IS EDUCATION.
THESE HAVE DESPERATE TIMES.
HEY, HOW DO YOU OPEN A BOOK?

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, PIG?
THESE CHOCOLATE CANDIES WITH A TASTY FILLING MADE BY ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALISTS IN AFGHANISTAN.
WHAT ARE THEY CALLED?
TALIBONBONS.
AMEREECAN HUMOR BAD.
NO, NO. JUST HIS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
LOOKING INTO A CRYSTAL BALL TO TRY AND DETERMINE MY FUTURE.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
CRYSTAL.
GET HELP.
MAYBE I'M CRUSHED BY A CHANDELIER.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS ON THE HILL...WHY AM I SO UNHAPPY?
YOU, LIKE MANY OTHERS, ARE TOO CONSUMED BY THE DRIVE TO SUCCEED. YOU MUST FILL THAT DRIVE WITH SOMETHING MORE SATISFYING.
I'VE GOT IT. I WILL ROOT FOR OTHERS TO FAIL.
HE KICKED ME OFF THE HILL.

I HAVE FATIGUE DUE TO COVID.
OH, NO. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD HAD COVID.
I DIDN'T.
THEN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I'M JUST TIRED OF COVID.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE SAME.
SICK AND TIRED, IN FACT.

Dear This Week...
You have started out very poorly.
Please improve or I shall skip ahead to next week.
LIFE IS NOT A STREAMING SERVICE.
IT WOULD BE A NICE FEATURE.

HEY, GONEZOOM, HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT MAKING A WILL SO THAT YOUR LOVED ONES WILL KNOW HOW YOU WANT YOUR POSSESSIONS DISTRIBUTED?
THAT'S A GOOD POINT. CAN YOU WRITE THIS DOWN FOR ME?
SURE.
"ONE CARROT, TO WHOMEVER PICKS IT UP."
GONEZOOM HAS AN ANNOYING SENSE OF HUMOR.

UGLY FAILURE.
GUTLESS TRAITOR. YOU’RE DUMBER THAN YOU LOOK.
GUYS WHO THINK LIKE YOU ARE LITERALLY A WASTE OF SPACE ON THIS PLANET.
YOU’RE A FRAUD AND A LOSER AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT.
HOW DOES A FATHEAD LIKE YOU EVEN GET A JOB? I WOULDN’T CARE IF YOU WENT BROKE AND STARVED.
YOU SHOULD JUST DIE, SCUM.
IF PEOPLE TALKED IN REAL LIFE LIKE THEY DO ON THE INTERNET
I THINK I KNOW WHY I GOT OFF THE INTERNET.
HANG ON. TROLLING SOMEONE.

NO ONE CARES.
AND THAT'S WHY I'M HERE. TO MAKE THEM CARE.
THEN YOU'LL BE SITTING THERE EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
GOOD THING IT'S A COMFY CHAIR.

HI. TABLE FOR TWO PLEASE.
SURE. LEMME JUST POINT THIS AT YOUR FOREHEAD.
A TEMPERATURE THERMOMETER? LISTEN, PAL. WE'RE SICK OF ALL THIS VIRUS STUFF.
OH, NO. THIS TESTS FOR WHETHER YOU'RE A PAIN-IN-THE-@%# CUSTOMER, AND OH LOOK, YOU'VE FAILED.
THIS COULD BE REALLY LIMITING.

Things we're glad we didn't know when the world shut down in early 2020:
That we'd still be in this same situation two years later.
AHHHHHH
SAME SPOT. DIFFERENT YEAR.
AH, IGNORANCE.

YEAH, I'M HERE FOR MY MEDIUM, DECAF, SUGAR-FREE,
VANILLA LATTE WITH SOY MILK. I CALLED IT IN.
SORRY, WE'RE BUSY.
I STILL HAVE TO MAKE IT.
YEAH, BUT I CALLED IN ADVANCE.
OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE, I SHALL MAKE IT MAGICALLY SPRING FORTH.
GIVE ME YOUR MANAGER.
PIPE DOWN. MAGICIANS NEED SILENCE.

HEY, RAT, IT'S YOUR OLD BOSS AT THE CAFE. LISTEN, I'M HAVING TROUBLE STAFFING THE PLACE THESE DAYS AND I'M WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO COME BACK.
I GET FIVE TIMES MY SALARY AND THE RIGHT TO CALL YOU 'FATHEAD.'
ONCE A DAY.
UNLIMITED.
GUESS WHO GOT A JOB.

HEY, GOAT. DID YOU GET MY NEW YEAR'S CARD EARLIER THIS YEAR?
NO. I JUST GOT THIS STRANGE NOTE.
OH, @%#&. WE'RE DOING IT AGAIN.
THAT WAS MY NEW YEAR'S CARD.
SOME PEOPLE SAY HAPPY NEW YEAR.
HAPPY IS SO LAST DECADE.

OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL, PEOPLE ON THE RIGHT HATE THE LEFT. PEOPLE ON THE LEFT HATE THE RIGHT. AND THE MEDIA MAKES EVERYONE HATE EVERYONE ELSE.
WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE EVERYONE ELSE?
IN 1990, THERE WERE 66 BILLIONAIRES IN THE U.S.... TODAY THERE ARE 696. TOGETHER THOSE 696 PEOPLE HAVE MORE MONEY THAN THE BOTTOM 165,000,000 AMERICANS COMBINED.
AND THE THING THOSE 696 PEOPLE FEAR THE MOST IS THAT THE OTHER 165,000,000 PEOPLE ON THE RIGHT AND LEFT ARE GONNA SEE THEY HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN THEY REALIZE... SO THE RICH DIVIDE THEM.
WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE KNOW THAT?
BECAUSE THE RICH OWN THE MEDIA. AND IF YOU SAY ANYTHING, THEY'LL CRUSH YOU AND REPLACE YOU.
AND WE RIPPED UP THE DAMN COMIC AGAIN
AND HE'S GONE COMMUNIST
TELL SHELLEY I SAID HI
I'M GOING TO SEND THIS STRAIGHT TO HER

I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING OUT WITH THIS GIRL, BUT I THINK SHE'S A LITTLE BIT CRAZY.
WE ARE ALL A LITTLE BIT CRAZY!
WAS THE MEGAPHONE REALLY NECESSARY?
EXCEPT ME. I'M PRETTY NORMAL.

WHAT'S ALL THIS, RAT?
GOT A JOB REPRESENTING A DONUT MAKERS' UNION. WE'RE ON STRIKE FOR HIGHER PAY.
HOW COME?
BECAUSE OUR MEMBERS MAKE THE BEST DONUTS IN TOWN AND DESERVE TO BE PAID FOR IT.
I THINK THERE'S A HOLE IN YOUR ARGUMENT.
ONE SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO MAKE A LIVING FROM THIS.
I DO NOT AGREE.

COMMUNITY
POSITIVITY
BOARD
GRAB SOME
CHALK AND
FILL IT IN!
YES, I
CAN...
PROBABLY NOT WHAT THEY HAD
IN MIND.
YES, I
CAN...
FAIL!

HELP ME... I NEVER LOOK AS GOOD AS EVERYONE ELSE
HELP ME... I NEVER LOOK AS GOOD AS EVERYONE ELSE
HELP ME... I NEVER LOOK AS GOOD AS EVERYONE ELSE
OH, PIG... IT'S WHAT'S ON THE INSIDE THAT COUNTS.
... FOR THINGS I'VE LOST, WHICH IS WHY I CAN'T FIND MY CAR KEYS.
SOMEHOW YOU DIDN'T HELP.

Advice Of The Day:
Always be yourself.
Unless yourself is a jerkface.
Then always be someone else.
SOME ADVICE NEEDS TO BE TAILORED.

PIG, IT'S MONDAY MORNING. AREN'T YOU GONNA GET OUT OF BED AND GO TO WORK?
NO CHANCE.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE IN LIFE, THERE'S A 1 IN 112000 CHANCE OF BEING KILLED BY A VENDING MACHINE.
HIS EXCUSES ARE GETTING FLIMSIER.