Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY COUSIN FROM CHICAGO.
HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT TOO GOOD. I HAD TO MOVE BACK HOME WITH MY PARENTS BECAUSE I LOST MY JOB. NOW I'M LIVING IN MY OLD ROOM.
WE ALSO HAVE THIS BAD ROOMMATE BACK HOME NAMED EVAN AND OUR APARTMENT IS RIGHT OVER THE ELEVATED RAILWAY.
YEAH. VERY NOISY. PLUS I MISS MY OLD APARTMENT. MY FAMILY LIVED RIGHT ABOVE ME IN THESE SITES.
YEAH, IF YOU'RE FEELING THAT BAD, YOU SHOULD TRY DRYING DISHES WITH ME. IT'S VERY RELAXING. YOUR MIND DRIFTS AND YOU FEEL BETTER.
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED THAT?
NO, CAN'T SAY THAT I HAVE.
YEAH. THAT'S GOOD THOUGH.
I'M HAPPENING.
THOUGH.
YEAH.
IMAGINE THERE'S NO EVAN.
IT'S EASY IF YOU DRY.
NO EL BELOW US.
ABOVE US ONLY DRIPES.
IMAGINE THERE'S NO STEPHAN.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE SECRET TO LIVING A LONG LIFE?
BREATHING.
AS IN TAKE DEEP MEDITATIVE BREATHS?
AS IN IF YOU STOP BREATHING, YOU WILL NOT LIVE A LONG LIFE.
IT'S HARD TO ARGUE.

I'M GOING CAMPING TOMORROW.
WHAT DOES THAT INVOLVE?
IT'S WHERE YOU DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF ALL THE NICE THINGS YOU HAVE FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON.
BUT I LIKE MY THINGS.
HE'S NOT CORRECT.
IT'S ACTUALLY A FORM OF MENTAL ILLNESS.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A PROFESSIONAL WRITER?
YOU ASK YOURSELF ONE QUESTION.
DOES I WRITE GOODLY?
I DOES.
SO YOU IS.

I THINK THE KEY TO MENTAL HEALTH IS TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR THE THINGS YOU'VE DONE WRONG IN YOUR LIFE.
THEN GO OUT AND DO MORE WRONG!
I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE EXPLOITING SOMETHING.
NO TIME TO TALK, GOT MORE WRONG TO DO.

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR NEWS NOW?
I FOLLOW THIS GUY ON TIKTOK.
WHAT'S TIKTOK?
THE SOUND OF THE CLOCK RUNNING OUT ON OUR DEMOCRACY.
IS THAT TRUE?
NO. I WOULD HAVE HEARD ABOUT IT ON TIKTOK.

I HAD SOME BLOOD WORK DONE AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE TODAY.
THAT'S IMPORTANT. DOCTORS CAN REALLY GET A GOOD SENSE OF YOUR OVERALL HEALTH BY ANALYZING WHAT RUNS THROUGH YOUR VEINS.
IT WAS EIGHTY-TWO PERCENT CAFFEINE.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE.
I AGREE. I THINK IT'S HIGHER.

We is Cowed Response Team. We is specialize in sterylize zeeba homes.
No thanks.
I SEE. AND HOW TO YOU DO THAT?
We is heat home to high tempeture dat keels leetle Cowed guys.
THAT'S A FLAMETHROWER. YOU WANT TO USE A FLAMETHROWER INSIDE MY HOUSE?
If a probbam, we can so dedicate.
AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY BURN DOWN MY ENTIRE HOUSE WITH ME INSIDE IT?
Put sign in yard.
Zeeba BBQ All Staff meal well done.
Pat pat not for zeeba ears.
Customer retenshun hard.

I JUST WANT TO BE THE BEST IN THE WORLD AT ONE THING.
I'VE ACHIEVED THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU THE BEST AT?
FORGETTING PEOPLE'S NAMES.
NOT REALLY THE SAME.
GOOD COMEBACK, WHOEVER-YOU-ARE.

THE BEST
THINGS IN
LIFE ARE
FREE!
HEALTH CARE'S NOT FREE.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE THAT,
YOU JUST GET SICK
AND DIE.
THE BEST
THINGS IN LIFE
ARE FREE!
OH, CRAP.
WE'RE
HOSED.

Hullo zee ba neigh ba. Bad news for you. Crocs now gonna hunt you down and you not know what hit you.
JUST SO YOU KNOW, THAT'S NOT WHAT A DUCK BLIND IS.
Lot of help you was.

RAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP HERE?
WISE ASS IS ON VACATION. WHAT DO YOU NEED?
THE KEY TO BEING HAPPY.
THE KEY IS TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU CAN CONTROL AND OTHER THINGS YOU CAN'T.
AND THEN FIXATING ON CONTROLLING THOSE OTHER THINGS.
MAYBE I'LL WAIT TILL HE RETURNS.
AND DON'T WORRY IF IT KEEPS YOU UP NIGHTS.

ACME FINANCIAL HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'M CALLING BECAUSE MOST OF THE STOCKS YOU HAD ME BUY ARE NOW MUCH LOWER.
SO?
SO YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BROKER.
AND I MADE YOU BROKER.
I GUESS IT IS IN THE NAME.

I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT THE RATE AT WHICH THE POLAR ICE CAPS ARE MELTING. THE RISING SEAS WILL PUT MILLIONS OF LIVES AT RISK.
DID YOU KNOW THE GOVERNMENT PUTS MICROCHIPS IN OUR SOUP TO KEEP US FROM CONTROLLING OUR OWN LIMBS?
I FEEL LIKE WE GET OUR NEWS FROM DIFFERENT SOURCES.
I WOULDN'T TOUCH THAT SOUP.

I DON'T LIKE BEING SO POWERLESS IN LIFE!
JUST STAND UP AND SAY YOU'RE OFFENDED BY SOMETHING.
I'M OFFENDED BY SOMETHING.
WHO WRONGED YOU LIKE THAT?
JUST GIVE US A NAME!
THEIR MICROAGGRESSION SHALL NOT STAND!
YOUR FEELINGS MUST NEVER BE HARMED!
YOUR PATH SHALL BE PAVED WITH PILLOWS AND RAINBOWS!
FOR THAT POOR PIGGY HAS THE GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO NEVER BE OFFENDED AGAIN!
IT'S QUITE THE ERA.
I'M OFFENDED BY THIS COMIC.

WELL, I SURE HAD A PRODUCTIVE DAY.
GOOD FOR YOU. WHAT'D YOU DO?
EVISCERATED NINE PEOPLE ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
YOU'D THINK THERE'D BE MORE TO LIFE.
THERE ISN'T.

I HAD A WHOLE LIST OF THINGS I WANTED TO GET DONE TODAY AND I DIDN'T EVEN DO HALF OF THEM.
YOU'RE TOO AMBITIOUS. THE KEY IS TO KEEP YOUR LIST REALISTIC.
AS I DO WITH MINE.
WHAT'S ON YOURS?
COMPLAIN
I'VE STAYED PRETTY DISCIPLINED.

HI, MAMA. HOW YOU DOIN' TODAY?
NOT GOOD. I THINK I BROKE MY BACK.
BROKE YOUR BACK? WHAT WERE YOU DOING?
NOTHING. I WAS JUST STANDING HERE.
I'M A TERRIBLE SON.

Dear Powers That Be in the Universe
Please make my life better.
If not possible, please make everyone else's life worse.
I like to have a backup plan.

Thank you for calling. Please stay on the line as your call is important to us.
So important that we make you stay on hold when we could easily just hire more people to answer the phone.
But that would be less money for us, and that ain't happening, you big, fat, dumb loser.
I FEAR CUSTOMER SERVICE IS DECLINING.

IT'S ALMOST NOON. WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING IN BED?
GETTING UP IN THE MORNING IS THE LEADING CAUSE OF BEING UP IN THE AFTERNOON.
YOU MAY BE THE GENIUS OF OUR AGE.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY. I HEAR YOU GOT A NEW CAR.
YEAH, BUT NOTHING FANCY.
IT'S SILLY HOW STATUS-OBSESSED PEOPLE CAN GET ABOUT THEIR CARS.
SAME WITH CLOTHES, HOMES, JEWELRY. BUT I THINK IT'S LESSENING.
I THINK MOST PEOPLE HAVE LEARNED THAT ALL THAT COMPETITIVE STUFF REALLY JUST GETS YOU NOWHERE.
HEY, NANCY. SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT DID YOU HEAR MY DAUGHTER GOT INTO PRINCETON?!
MINE GOT INTO BROWN!
STANFORD!
YALE!
DARTMOUTH!
WAITLISTED AT HARVARD AND IT'S KILLING ME!!
IS COLLEGE FOR PARENTS OR THEIR KIDS?
A LITTLE OF BOTH.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE SECRET TO LIVING A LONG LIFE?
NOT DYING.
HIS LOGIC IS IMPECCABLE.

HEY, RAT. I SAW YOUR NEW BOOK CAME OUT. DID YOU SEE THE FIRST REVIEWS ONLINE?
HAHA. NOPE.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE GONNA BE A CREATIVE PERSON, YOU CAN'T PAY ATTENTION TO REVIEWS. YOU JUST FOLLOW YOUR MUSE AND LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY.
WELL, THAT'S A GREAT WAY TO LOOK AT IT. NOT TO MENTION ADMIRABLE.
THANKS.

Health Quiz
Alcohol is considered a depressant. Explain why.
BECAUSE WHEN I DRINK, I DEPRESS EVERYONE AROUND ME.
I CAN DO IT SOBER, TOO.