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I'M STEPHAN PASTIS, CREATOR OF "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE." WE HERE AT THE COMIC STRIP ARE DEDICATED TO IMPROVING YOUR READER EXPERIENCE. SO PLEASE FILL OUT THE NEXT PANEL AND RETURN IT TO MY EDITOR AT THE FOLLOWING ADDRESS...
I think Pearls Before Swine is:
THE BEST COMIC STRIP IN THE NEWSPAPER.
THE BEST COMIC STRIP OF ALL TIME. (I'VE MOSTLY TIED WITH "CALVIN & HOBBES," BUT IT'S CLOSE.)
MY REASON FOR LIVING.
SOMETHING OTHER THAN WHAT IS LISTED ABOVE, AND THAT IS THE FOLLOWING:___ (Please do not exceed space provided.)
THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONEST FEEDBACK.
WHERE'S THE OPTION FOR "I WISH ILL UPON STEPHAN"?

DO YOU EVER FEEL BAD FOR SITTING AROUND AND NOT HAVING A CAREER?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I HAVE A CAREER.
WHAT'S THAT?
I JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE'S STUPIDITY.
NOT SURE THAT COUNTS.
NEVER BELITTLE A MAN'S LABORS.

OUR GOVERNMENT IS IMPINGING ON OUR PERSONAL FREEDOMS LIKE NEVER BEFORE IN THIS COUNTRY'S HISTORY.
OH, REALLY? YOU MEAN WORSE THAN WHEN THE GOVERNMENT TOOK AMERICAN CITIZENS OF JAPANESE DESCENT AND PUT THEM IN INTERNMENT CAMPS?
PLEASE DON'T PUT MY RANTS INTO HISTORICAL CONTEXT.
SOMEBODY HAS TO.

Hey, zeeba neighba, whuh matta you?
JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW UNFAIR IT IS THAT I HAVE TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO MY NATURAL PREDATORS.
Hey, dat life. Keelor be keeled.
NOT FOR YOU GUYS. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR.
Dat not true. Cholesterol real problem.
Guy have no sympathy.

MIND-BLOWING MONDAY
Brought to you by the good people at Pearls Before Swine
WHEN YOU LOOK AT
THE FEDEX LOGO,
DO YOU SEE THE
WORD 'FEDEX' OR
THE ARROW?"
THERE'S
NO ARROW
IN THE
FEDEX
LO--
ONCE YOU
SEE IT,
YOU
CAN'T UN-SEE
IT.
MY LIFE
WILL NEVER
BE THE SAME.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I LOST MY TEMPER WITH ANOTHER DRIVER WHO CUT ME OFF AND I PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE. HOW CAN I IMPROVE MY PATIENCE WITH OTHERS?
THE KEY IS TO REMEMBER THAT EVERYONE ELSE IS OUT THERE STRUGGLING JUST LIKE YOU.
THEY HAVE FEARS, SETBACKS, INJURIES, HEARTBREAKS, AND ALL THE DAY-TO-DAY PRESSURES THAT COME WITH JUST BEING ALIVE.
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU FEEL YOURSELF GETTING ANGRY, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, SHOW UNDERSTANDING, AND REMEMBER THAT WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
EASIER MY WAY.
MAYBE I SHOULD RETIRE EARLY.
YEAH. THIS GUY STILL BELIEVES IN UNDERSTANDING.

TWO-WORD ANSWERS TO ALL OF LIFE'S QUESTIONS
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE?
DON'T KNOW..
I DIDN'T SAY THEY WERE SATISFYING.

WHY ARE YOU OUT OF BED SO EARLY?
TO GO SWIMMING AT THE BEACH. I'M NO LONGER AFRAID!
OF WHAT?
SHARKS. TURNS OUT THERE ARE LESS THAN TEN DEATHS A YEAR FROM SHARK ATTACKS.
OH, YEAH, THAT FEAR IS WAY OVERBLOWN. STATISTICALLY, YOU'RE 30,000 TIMES MORE LIKEY TO DIE OF DROWNING.
IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.

ENGLISH 1B
VOCAB QUIZ
DEFINE THESE WORDS:
- PAST
- FUTURE
- PRESENT
PAST:
THE PERIOD OF TIME THAT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED.
FUTURE:
THE PERIOD OF TIME THAT HAS NOT YET HAPPENED.
PRESENT:
THE PERIOD OF TIME THAT I REGRET WHAT HAS HAPPENED AND DREAD WHAT HAS NOT YET HAPPENED.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO FAIL HIM OR CRY.
I ALWAYS CHOOSE CRYING.

HEY, RAT. HOW GOES YOUR DAY?
PRETTY GOOD. I--
**COUGH COUGH**
**COUGH COUGH**
COUGHING FEELS DIFFERENT NOW.
LET'S NEVER GO TO THIS CAFE AGAIN.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, IF SOMEONE WRITES SOMETHING IN A NEWSPAPER THAT'S FALSE OR MISLEADING, IS THE NEWSPAPER RESPONSIBLE?
YES.
IF SOMEONE WRITES SOMETHING ON FACEBOOK THAT'S FALSE OR MISLEADING, IS FACEBOOK RESPONSIBLE?
NO.
HOW MANY PEOPLE GET THEIR NEWS FROM FACEBOOK?
A LOT.
I SEE A PROBLEM.

I'M IN A TERRIBLE MOOD TODAY, SO STAY AWAY FROM ME OR I'LL BRING YOU DOWN TOO.
AWW... I BET IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
I'LL STAY AWAY.

Hey, zeeba neighba. Whuh you is read?
A BUNCH OF SELF-HELP BOOKS.
Self-help? Why you is need dat?
I'M FINALLY STARTING TO TAKE AN HONEST LOOK AT MY LIFE AND ANALYZE WHO I REALLY AM.
You is hamburger with legs.
Why he need book for dat?

DO YOU LIKE CROSSWORDS?
YEAH.
MY FAVORITES ARE, "TO @#$% WITH YOU, MORON."
I SAID "CROSSWORDS," NOT "CROSS WORDS."
"TO @#$% WITH YOU, MORON."

HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR GUARD DUCK? I HEAR HE'S BEEN PRETTY LOST NOW THAT THERE ARE NO MORE WARS TO FIGHT.
NO. BEEN TOO BUSY ON THE PHONE ARGUING WITH MY HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY.
GOOD NEWS, SIR. WE'VE DECIDED TO PAY FOR YOUR ENTIRE PROCEDURE.
YOU HAVE? WHY?
WE LIKE TO DO RIGHT BY OUR CUSTOMERS.
IT'S NICE WHEN THEY DO THE RIGHT THING.

GOODBYE, SIR. I'M OFF TO DO MY DUTY AND FIGHT IN THE WAR.
BUT WE'RE NOT AT WAR ANYMORE, LITTLE GUARD DUCK.
SO WHAT DO I DO NOW?
YOU JUST RELAX.
GOT ANY NEIGHBORS YOU DON'T LIKE?
GO TO YOUR ROOM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO REMEMBER THE WORD FOR WHEN YOU KEEP UP TO DATE WITH THE NEWS.
ABREAST?
OH, THIS IS MATURE.
CAN WE DO ABOUT NEXT?

I'M NEVER HAPPY.
YOU KNOW, RAT, HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE.
IT IS?
YES.
THEN TELL ME WHO'S BEEN MAKING THOSE CHOICES SO I CAN KICK HIM IN THE REAR.
LET ME START OVER.
NO, SERIOUSLY. GIMME A NAME.

WHAT'S THIS STRIP YOU'RE DOING?
WELL, THIS GUY IS MAKING FUN OF THIS HORSE'S WIFE AND SAYING SHE HAS A FUNNY MANE.
KEEP MY WIFE'S MANE OUT YO' GIMPMOUTH!
I LIKE THIS TREND.

HEY, THE DEBATE HAS A COMMERCIAL BREAK.
LET'S HURRY AND GET SNACKS!
YEAH. I DON'T WANT TO MISS ANY OF THESE TWO MORONS YELLING AT EACH OTHER.
AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSOR, FORMER PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN...
AT WHAT POINT SHALL WE EXPECT THE APPROACH OF DANGER? SHALL WE EXPECT SOME TRANS-ATLANTIC GIANT TO STEP THE OCEAN AND CRUSH US AT A BLOW? NEVER.
ALL THE ARMIES OF EUROPE, ASIA AND AFRICA COMBINED COULD NOT BY FORCE TAKE A DRINK FROM THE OHIO OR MAKE A TRACK ON THE BLUE RIDGE IN A TRIAL OF A THOUSAND YEARS.
IF DESTRUCTION BE OUR LOT, WE MUST OURSELVES MUST BE ITS AUTHOR AND FINISHER.
AS A NATION OF FREE MEN, WE MUST LIVE THROUGH ALL TIME OR DIE BY SUICIDE.
MISS ANYTHING?
I DON'T THINK SO.
SEEN THAT BEARDED GUY?

I THINK I FIGURED OUT WHAT MY PROBLEM IS.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S THAT LIFE IS AN AIRPLANE RIDE.
AND I'M ALWAYS IN BOARDING GROUP 6.
NO OVERHEAD SPACE LEFT FOR YOU.
WHO ARE THESE BOARDING GROUP ONE-STERS?

DID YOU LOOK FOR A JOB YESTERDAY?
I WANTED TO, BUT MY DISABILITY FLARED UP.
WHAT'S THE DISABILITY?
SOFTITIS.
WHAT IS IT?
AN ABNORMALLY STRONG DESIRE TO LIE ON ONE'S SOFA AND DO NOTHING.
PROBABLY NOT A DISABILITY.
OFTEN ACCOMPANIED BY BEERTOSIS GUZZLETIS.

HEY, THERE... CLEVER NAME FOR AN ICE CREAM SHOP... I'LL TAKE TWO.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
THANKS FOR HOLDING MY ICE CREAM.
WE MIGHT HAVE CONFUSED THIS GENTLEMAN.

CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
YEAH, BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE WILL BE NO TIP, BECAUSE YOU TOOK TWENTY MINUTES TO GET OVER HERE.
OKAY.
GREAT.
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW 'TIPS' IS 'SPIT' SPELLED BACKWARD.
I THINK I’LL SKIP FOOD.
I MAY HAVE STRATEGIZED POORLY.

AND WHAT CAN I GET YOU TWO TO DRINK?
GIVE US YOUR BEST WINE.
I HAAAAATE MY JOB... IT IS SOOOOOO BORING AND THE CUSTOMERS ARE SOOOOOOO STUPID...
WAITERS SHOULD ABSTAIN FROM ALL FORMS OF HUMOR.