Pearls Before Swine | Search

TELL ME ANOTHER GREAT STORY ABOUT WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG, UNCLE PIG.
WELL, FOR FUN, WE USED TO GO OUT TO T. P. SOMEONE'S HOUSE.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
WE'D TAKE A WHOLE BUNCH OF TOILET PAPER AND JUST DRAPE SOMEONE'S HOUSE IN IT.
SO YOU HAD ROLLS AND ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER THAT YOU JUST WASTED?
WHYS YOUR NEPHEW CRYING?
WE DIDN'T KNOW ITS IMMENSE VALUE!

Goals for today:
GET TO TOMORROW.
THESE DAYS I'VE NARROWED MY GOALS.

ASHLEY'S LIFE
Get up every day before she wants to.
Is it 6:30 already?
Sit in traffic for hours.
Beep Beep! Honk! Honk!
Go to a crappy job she dreads.
You are all morons.
Take kids everywhere always.
I'll be late for tennis!
I'll be late for soccer!
Look forward to that one week of vacation,
ASHLEY'S LIFE YOU SEE
Ashley has the GREATEST life.
#partyeveryday #beachlife #livingmybestlife #cancun
ASHLEY HAS THE GREATEST LIFE.
HOW DOES SHE DO IT?

HEY, PIG. JUST THOUGHT I'D CHECK ON YOU. HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP WITH ALL THIS?
GOOD.
REALLY?
I'VE PLAYED 315 STRAIGHT HOURS OF "CANDY CRUSH."
YOU SHOULD STAND NOW AND THEN.
I THINK I CAN DO THIS FOR A SOLID YEAR.

Person I know!
Person I know!
AHOY
AHOY
Butts to you!
Butts to you!
TRYING TO REPLACE THE HANDSHAKE.
I WILL GLADLY MOON ANYONE.

SMILES ARE CONTAGIOUS TOO.
SMILES ARE CONTAGIOUS TOO.
[:]

DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH IT! THAT'S MY MOST PRIZED POSSESSION!
DON'T CARE! I WANT IT!
STOP OR I'LL PUNCH YOU!
LET GO OF ME!
STOP! THIEF! COME BACK!
STRANGEST TIMES EVER.

THERE! ANOTHER PUZZLE COMPLETED!
I CAN ONLY MAKE SO MANY @&#$%*! PUZZLES!
THE QUARANTINE IS GETTING TO ME.

AND NOW A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE FROM "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE."
2020 CAN GO RIGHT BACK TO WHEREVER THE #@$% IT CAME FROM!
I THOUGHT WE AGREED TO A PROFANITY-FREE VERSION.
NO, REALLY, IT CAN GO SHOVE ITSELF RIGHT UP--

HEY THERE... LISTEN, THIS IS VERY HARD FOR ME TO SAY...
BUT I'M STARTING TO THINK THE PROBLEM IS YOU.
I MEAN, WE SPEND SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER...
BUT I'M SOMEHOW LONELIER WITH YOU THAN WITHOUT YOU.
I GET IT. YOU JUST WANT TO BE HELPFUL. DO WHATEVER I NEED...
AND I ADMIT... I WANT TO HOLD YOU... GO WITH YOU EVERYWHERE...
BUT I NEED MY LIFE BACK... I'M SO SORRY...
SO I PROPOSE WE TAKE A BREAK... STARTING NOW.
I MISSED YOU PHONE.
SO PATHETIC.
GET A ROOM.

I THINK LIFE RIGHT NOW IS BAD.
MAYBE. BUT IT HELPS TO BE POSITIVE.
I'M POSITIVE LIFE RIGHT NOW IS BAD.
HOW DOES THAT HELP?

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. JUST CAME OVER TO REMIND YOU TO STAY AT LEAST SIX FEET AWAY FROM ME FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY.
YEAH, WELL, I THINK WE'RE ALL PRETTY AWARE OF THE CORONAVIRUS AND WHAT WE ALL HAVE TO DO NOW.
VIRUS?
MY SOCIAL DISTANCING WAS YEARS AHEAD OF ITS TIME.

WHY DO WE STILL LOOK LIKE THIS?
WELL, FIRST I WAS STUCK IN COLOMBIA WITHOUT ART SUPPLIES.
THEN I MANAGED TO GET HOME, AND ALL THE STORES WERE CLOSED.
BUT THE U.S. GOVERNMENT JUST DECLARED THIS STRIP TO BE AN ESSENTIAL SERVICE, SO THEY'RE SHIPPING ME EVERYTHING I NEED.
I ORDERED THEM ONLINE.
OF COURSE.
I WILL SAVE YOU ONE PUN AT A TIME!

HI, PROFESSOR? I WON'T
BE ABLE TO GO TO
CLASS FOR THE REST OF
THE YEAR ON ACCOUNT
OF NOT WANTING TO
CATCH THE CORONA-
VIRUS.
HAVE NO FEAR. WE'VE
MOVED ALL INSTRUCTION
ONLINE.
OUT OF AN ABUNDANCE
OF CAUTION, I'LL AVOID
THAT TOO.
MY EXCUSES ARE
GETTING FLIMSIER.

STEPHAN HAS BEEN CAUGHT WITHOUT DRAWING SUPPLIES. HENCE THE LOOK OF THE STRIP.
RECOMMENDATIONS DURING CORONAVIRUS OUTBREAK:
- KEEP A SAFE DISTANCE FROM OTHERS.
- AVOID ALL SOCIAL GATHERINGS.
- STAY HOME AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
THEY'VE SUMMED UP MY LIFE'S GOALS.

IS IT TRUE THAT OUR CREATOR, STEPHAN PASTIS, WAS IN COLOMBIA DURING THE CORONAVIRUS OUTBREAK AND GOT STUCK THERE WITHOUT HIS DRAWING SUPPLIES?
YOU HAVE NO PROOF.
IT IS SORTA HARD TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
SI. SEÑOR.

I do not like Kansas, <br>
Boston, or Chicago. In fact, I don’t even like America.
WHAT THE..?
THEN YOU CAN GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR COUNTRY, YOU SOCIALIST COMMUNIST!
TOSS
READ THE TITLE.
BANDS I DON’T CARE FOR
CONTEXT TAKES FAR TOO MUCH TIME.

HEY, RAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?... I THOUGHT YOU WORKED TODAY.
I'M TELECOMMUTING. EVERYONE'S DOING IT. IT'S EFFICIENT AND TAKES ONE MORE CAR OFF THE ROAD.
THAT'S GREAT.
WAIT. AREN'T YOU A BARISTA?
I SAID MAKE IT YOURSELF, YOU PUTZ.
PERHAPS TELECOMMUTING CAN BE ABUSED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
CREATING THE HAPPINESS CALENDAR.
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S LIKE A REGULAR CALENDAR, BUT ON EACH DAY, I INCLUDE SOMETHING IN LIFE THAT YOU CAN BE HAPPY ABOUT.
YOU'VE WRITTEN "CHEESE" ON EVERY SINGLE DAY.
IT'S A KEY PART OF THE HAPPINESS CALENDAR.

HEY, GOAT, DID YOU SEE THAT THE LOTTO JACKPOT IS UP TO ALMOST ONE BILLION DOLLARS? IT'S CRAZY. SO I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A HUNDRED DOLLARS' WORTH OF LOTTERY TICKETS.
PIG, THE ODDS OF THAT $100 WINNING YOU ONE BILLION DOLLARS ARE ABOUT THE SAME AS IF YOU HAD JUST BURIED IT IN THE GROUND.
I'LL TRY ANYTHING.

DID YOU HEAR THE FEDERAL RESERVE BOARD JUST MET AND MAY BE TIGHTENING THE NATION'S MONEY SUPPLY?
NO.
APRIL FOOLS!!
MOST APRIL FOOLS JOKES ARE LESS SAD AND NERDY.
I KNOW. MAYBE I'LL FIND AN ECON GRAD.

I'M TRYING TO MAKE A DECISION AND IT'S SO HARD.
GO WITH YOUR GUT.
I GO EVERYWHERE WITH MY GUT.
NOT WHAT I MEANT.
I'D BE HAPPY TO LEAVE IT AT HOME.

HEY, GIMME A COFFEE.
WHAT SIZE WOULD YOU LIKE?
LARGE.
WE DON'T HAVE 'LARGE.' WE HAVE GRANDE OR VENTI.
OH, WELL. THEN GIVE ME AN ARREVEDERCI BELLA A CAPPELLA BECAUSE IT'S JUST AS MEANINGLESS AND EVEN MORE POMPOUS.
HE GAVE ME A 'TALL.'

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY. I THINK YOUR BABY JUST WOKE UP.
TALK TO HER. JUST HEARING A VOICE OFTEN COMFORTS A NEWBORN.
WHAT DO I SAY?
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
HI. WELCOME TO OUR WORLD. SORRY ABOUT THE PLANET. WE WERE ARGUING AND COULDN'T DO ANYTHING.
AND SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT DEBT. WE WERE ARGUING AND COULDN'T DO ANYTHING.
AND SORRY ABOUT ALL THE SHOOTINGS. WE WERE ARGUING AND COULDN'T DO ANYTHING.
ON THE PLUS SIDE, THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD SMELLS GREAT.
WAY TO BRING IT AROUND.
I LIKE TO END ON AN UPLIFTING NOTE.

HEY, PIGITA, WANT TO GO OUT TONIGHT?
LET ME CHECK MY DAILY PLANNER... NOPE ... LOOKS LIKE I'M BUSY TONIGHT.
HOW 'BOUT TOMORROW?
LET'S SEE... NOPE. BUSY EVERY NIGHT FOR THE NEXT NINE YEARS.
SHE IS SO DARN ORGANIZED.