Pearls Before Swine | Search

PATIENT.
WHAT'S THE NEXT QUESTION?
WHAT'S THE NEXT QUESTION?
WHAT'S THE NEXT QUESTION?
WHAT'S THE NEXT QUESTION?
ARE YOU AN HONEST ASSESSOR OF YOURSELF?
DEFINITELY.

LOOK AT THIS VIDEO OF SOME THIRD-WORLD LEGISLATORS BRAWLING! THIS GUY PUNCHES THAT GUY! THAT GUY GETS HIM IN A HEADLOCK! THIS GUY KICKS THEM BOTH IN THE HO-HANS!
AND THIS GUY EVEN KNOWS HOW TO SWEAR IN ENGLISH! HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA AH HA... ...OH.
THAT'S OUR GOVERNMENT.
IT'S BEST TO STAY UNINFORMED THESE DAYS.

WELL, I'M OFF. GOTTA BRING HOME THE BAGELS.
WHERE'D YOU ORDER THE BAGELS FROM?
OH, I DIDN'T. I'M JUST GOING TO WORK. AND I WANTED TO SAY, "I'M BRINGING HOME THE BACON," BUT P.E.T.A. WANTS US ALL TO SAY, "I'M BRINGING HOME THE BAGELS" INSTEAD.
TELL ME YOU'RE KIDDING.
HE'S NOT. AND WATCH YOURSELF.
THOUGH EVERY TIME I WALK IN, I AM BRINGING HOME THE BACON.

Hi Mom... Our old neighbor next door died. We're going to his funeral this afternoon.
Hello, son.
Thanks for letting me know.
LOL
IT MEANS "LOTS OF LOVE"!!
"LAUGHING OUT LOUD!"

Dear P.E.T.A.
You recently informed us that we should stop saying "Be the guinea pig" and instead say, "Be the test tube." Otherwise, we're being 'speciesists.'
Personally, I think stuff like that makes you look like a bunch of loons.
HUMANS WITH DIMINISHED MENTAL CAPACITY.
THANKS.

P.E.T.A. WOULD LIKE US TO STOP USING THE PHRASE "KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE". INSTEAD, WE ALL NEED TO START SAYING, "FEED TWO BIRDS WITH ONE SCONE."
IS THAT TODAY'S JOKE, OR IS IT REAL?
REAL.
WHAT THE @#$%! IS HAPPENING IN THIS WORLD?

FOR THE LAST TIME... HEEEELP!!
ISN'T IT GREAT HOW SMARTPHONES CONNECT US?
WAITER, THERE'S A FALLEN SHOE IN MY CHAI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
THROWING ALL MY PROBLEMS IN THE PROBLEM BOX. ONCE THEY'RE CLOSED UP IN HERE, THEY CAN'T BOTHER ME AGAIN.
BUT WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE BOX?
HEY! A BIRTHDAY GIFT.

CAN I GET YOU TWO ANYTHING ELSE?
JUST THE CHECK.
HELLO FROM PRAGUE!
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WAITING TO TELL THAT FINE JOKE?
LET ME CZECH.

HEY, PIG, WHERE WERE YOU?
WENT TO SEE THE LATEST SUPERHERO MOVIE.
OH, YEAH? WHICH SUPERHERO?
THE NUMISMATIST!
THAT'S JUST SOMEONE WHO COLLECTS COINS.
THE ACTION SCENES WERE LESS THAN STELLAR.

SORRY TO INTERRUPT, MISS. BUT WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ON YOUR PHONE?
WATCHING THE WARRIORS GAME.
GOSH. I REMEMBER A TIME WHEN THE ONLY WAY TO WATCH A GAME WAS ON A T.V. THAT HAD EIGHT CHANNELS. BUT I GUESS I'M DATING MYSELF.
GOOD. BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL DATE YOU.
IGNORE THAT.
I HAVE TO GO NOW.

TONIGHT ON THE NEWS, MORE STORIES THAT WILL DEPRESS YOU TO NO END, SO BEFORE WE GET STARTED...
CABLE NEWS IS REALLY IMPROVING.

WHAT DO
YOU HAVE
THERE,
GOAT?
A SELF-ESTEEM-
BUILDING EXERCISE.
YOU SHOULD
TRY
IT.
Write down
something
you’re better at
than anyone
else.
Finishing
last.
I’M NOT SURE THAT
HELPED.

WHO IS IT?
THE WORLD. GET OUT OF BED.
NO. I'M SCARED. EVERYTHING'S CRAZY NOW.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
PEOPLE ACTING NUTS. EVERYONE GETTING SHOT. NOWHERE BEING SAFE.
OH. WELL, IT'S BETTER NOW.
REALLY?

REALLY. EVERYTHING IS... PEACHY.
YOU PROMISE?
SWEAR TO GOD.
OKAY, BUT LET ME JUST CHECK TWITTER TO BE SURE THAT—
DON'T CHECK TWITTER! DON'T CHECK TWITTER DON'T—
AAUUGH
SO I TOLD A FIBBY WIBSY.
GO AWAY WORLD.

HEY, NEIGHBOR FRED. WANT SOME OF MY SANDWICH?
AUGHH... PLEASE GET THAT AWAY FROM ME. I HAVE A WHEAT ALLERGY AND A HUGE FEAR OF MAYONNAISE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
BREAD SPREAD DREAD, SAID FRED.
DEAD?
SHOULD HAVE FLED.

HI. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
COFFEE. BUT ONLY IF THE BEANS ARE SUSTAINABLY SOURCED.
AND FISH. BUT AGAIN, ONLY IF IT'S SUSTAINABLY SOURCED. OTHERWISE, DON'T BOTHER.
WHAM WHAM WHAM
HE HARVESTED MY SUSTAINABLY SOURCED ANGER.

HOW AN ASPIRING WRITER DREAMS OF THE PUBLISHING OF HIS FIRST BOOK...
I published my first book!
WOOHOO!
I ADORE YOU!!
HAVE MY BABIES!!
WE LOVE YOU!!
YOU'RE BRILLIANT!
HOW A WRITER EXPERIENCES THE PUBLISHING OF HIS FIRST BOOK...
You wrote what now?
TELL ME AGAIN WHY WRITERS WRITE.
THEY THRIVE ON CRUSHED DREAMS.

'Guide to Positive Thinking' Questionnaire
Who in this world offers you hope?
The guy on our corner.
THAT GUY? WHY'S THAT GUY OFFER YOU HOPE?
THOUGHT THAT SAID 'DOPE'.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, RAT?
PIZZA. I HAVE A COLD PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST EVERY MORNING.
BUT THAT'S TERRIBLE FOR YOUR HEALTH. DON'T YOU WANT TO BE AROUND IN THIRTY YEARS?
NOT REALLY.
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THAT.
SAY TO WHAT?

CHINESE EMBASSY. HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?
HI. THIS IS PIG FROM ‘PEARLS BEFORE SWINE.’ I’D LIKE YOU TO PAY MY BILLS THIS YEAR.
I’M SORRY?
PAY MY BILLS. ALSO, I’D LIKE A TESLA. AND PROVOLONE.
I’M SORRY, SIR. WE DON’T DO ANY OF THAT.
THE ‘YEAR OF THE PIG’ MEANS NOTHING.

The books in the library were angry.
We just sit here with our untapped knowledge.
While dumb guys thrive.
So they came up with an idea to make the world smarter.
And late one night, they forced open the library window.
And jumping from the window, landed upon the heads of dumb guys.
And the world got smarter by subtraction.
Looks like we lost another dumb guy.
I'M CALLING IT "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER."
NOT WHAT THAT MEANS.
THEY NEVER SAW IT COMING!

PUB LIBERTY
FOR EVERYONE WHO IS A LOVER OF FREEDOM AND WHAT IS GOOD
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
OUR CORNER PUB IS BANNING US FROM PUTTING UP FLIERS ON THEIR BULLETIN BOARD, SO I'M PROTESTING.
WELL, IF YOU WANT TO CATCH PEOPLE'S ATTENTION AS THEY DRIVE PAST, YOUR SIGN NEEDS TO BE A LOT BRIEFER. MAYBE DELETE A FEW WORDS AND SEE IF YOU CAN COMBINE A FEW OTHERS.
PUB-ERTY
GOOD
WANT TO HELP?
I'LL SAY NO

I JUST HAD A MAJOR REALIZATION...MOST OF THE PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE ARE CAUSED BY ME, ME MAKING DUMB CHOICES, ME DOING STUPID THINGS.
AND HOWS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
BAD.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
DRINK ENOUGH TO FORGET THAT REALIZATION.
OH, GOOD.
WHO NEEDS REALIZATIONS WHEN YOU HAVE BEER?

PIG, I THINK YOU NEED TO MAKE MORE OF A COMMITMENT TO ME.
I DON'T KNOW IF I'M READY FOR THAT.
YEAH, BACK OFF, WOMAN.
IS THAT ALEXA TALKING?
NO. IT'S AMAZON OWNER JEFF BEZOS, AND SOMETIMES I LISTEN TO PEOPLE'S CONVERSATIONS.
THAT'S REALLY CREEPY, JEFF.
OH, YEAH? WELL, GOOD LUCK GETTING YOUR NEXT AMAZON SHIPMENT.
OKAY, JEFF. TIME-OUT FOR YOU.

HOW GOES IT, PIG?
BEEN A LITTLE DOWN LATELY.
YEAH, I'VE NOTICED.
ALEXA, I DIDN'T TALK TO YOU.
I'M NOT ALEXA.
THEN WHO ARE YOU?
AMAZON OWNER JEFF BEZOS. AND I'M VERY BORED.
TECHNOLOGY CAN BE FRIGHTENING.
I HAVE FEELINGS, YOU KNOW.