Pearls Before Swine | Search

IN THE NEWS TODAY, WAR, VIOLENCE,
AND SUFFERING... IN OTHER NEWS,
CLIMATE SCIENTISTS WARN WE MAY
HAVE JUST TWENTY YEARS LEFT BEFORE
COMPLETE ENVIRONMENTAL CATASTROPHE.
SOMETIMES DANCING HELPS.

FRANZ, THE PUNNING PROFESSOR OF MUSIC! I THOUGHT I SHOT YOU.
IT ONLY GRAZED ME. IN FACT, MY PAL VINNIE JUST BROUGHT ME BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, OUR CAR BROKE DOWN.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT WHAT LOCAL TOW SERVICE DID YOU TELL ME TO CALL?
BAY TOW, VIN.
I SHOT HIM AGAIN.

THE SUCCESSFUL LIFE: A PERSONALITY QUIZ
What is the thing you're most excited about when you wake up in the morning?
The snooze button
MY MOTIVATION IS LESS THAN STELLAR.

I'M WARNING YOU, FRANZ, I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF YOUR STUPID MUSIC COMPOSER PUNS TODAY.
NOT INTERESTED IN PUNNING TODAY. TOO BUSY TRACKING THIS DODGERS GAME ON MY PHONE.
FINE. AS LONG AS WE JUST TALK ABOUT BASEBALL.
AHH, NUTS... STUPID PITCHER JUST LET IN A RUN.
HOW?
A BACH.
I SHOT HIM.

TABLE FOR ONE, PLEASE.
VERY WELL. YOU CAN SIT HERE AT THIS TABLE FOR TWO.
I’LL JUST TAKE AWAY THE EXTRA PLATE.
AND GLASS AND BOWL AND NAPKIN.
AND YOUR UTENSILS, TOO, FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN’T FIND A SINGLE DINING COMPANION PROBABLY EATS WITH THEIR HANDS.
AND HERE, HAVE A BUCKET TO SIT ON, BECAUSE YOU SURELY DON’T DESERVE A CHAIR.
THERE NOW…WHAT WOULD THE GUY ON THE BUCKET LIKE?
IT’S HARD TO BE SINGLE.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TIME OF DAY, GOAT?
IT WOULD HAVE TO BE WHEN I GET UP EARLY IN THE MORNING AND IT'S STILL DARK.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S SO PEACEFUL. I DON'T KNOW WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.
BECAUSE WE'RE NOT LUNATICS!
NOT A MORNING GUY.
OH. AND I LOVE A NICE BOWL OF PRUNES.

HEY SANTA,
HOW GOES
IT?
BAD.
SANTA'S
LONELY.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY
TALKING TO THE WOMAN
NEXT TO YOU?
I SEE YOU WHEN YOU'RE
SLEEPING,
I KNOW WHEN YOU'RE
AWAKE.
MAYBE TRY
A NEW
OPENING
LINE.
IT'S PART OF THE
DARN SONG!

I THINK I'LL CONSIDER MY LIFE A SUCCESS IF WHEN I DIE, I LEAVE THIS WORLD WITH NO REGRETS.
OH, I'LL HAVE REGRETS.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE THERE WILL BE CHEESE LEFT IN THE WORLD THAT I HAVEN'T CONSUMED.
A TRAGEDY.
I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT HEAVEN IS ONE BIG CHEESE FACTORY.

GREETINGS, RAT. WONDERING IF YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND ON MUSIC LESSONS.
LISTEN, FRANZ THE PUNNING PROFESSOR OF MUSIC... YOU GET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE.
WHAT'D I DO?
YOU WANT THE WHOLE LIZST?
YES. THE WHOLE LIZST.
STOP IT NOW.

HEY, RAT, I'M TRYING TO DETERMINE THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS TO USE THIS YEAR. CAN YOU GO OUTSIDE AND LET ME KNOW IF I SHOULD TURN ON MORE OR LESS?
OKAY.
BUT I'M VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT IT, SO TRY TO BE KIND!
WELL?
MORE ON! MORE ON!
THAT HURTS.

YESS!! WE FINALLY GOT TO THE QUARTERBACK!!
WAIT. THERE'S A FLAG.
PERSONAL FOUL. DEFENSE.
ROUGHING THE PASSER. NOT PHYSICALLY, BUT EMOTIONALLY. IN A WAY THAT MIGHT MAKE HIM SADDY SAD.
THE N.F.L.'S CHANGED.

HUH?
PANCAKES ARE THE ANSWER.
TO WHAT QUESTION?
WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT ALL THE AWFUL THINGS GOING ON IN THE WORLD.
PANCAKES ARE HIGH IN CARBS. THEY'RE SUPER-FATTENING. AND THEY'RE USUALLY SMOTHERED IN SUGAR. HOW CAN SOMETHING THAT BAD HELP?
TO COVER OUR FACES. SO WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
I FEEL EXQUISITE.

HELLO... BEFORE YOU ORDER TONIGHT, DO YOU HAVE ANY DIETARY RESTRICTIONS?
YES.
WHAT ARE THEY?
IF I EAT TOO MUCH, MY PANTS WILL EXPLODE.
I MEANT LIKE EXPOSURE TO GLUTENS.
YES, MY GLUTES WILL BE EXPOSED.

HEY, RAT...
THERE YOU ARE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, NEIGHBOR BOB?
YOUR BIG OLIVE TREE IS STAINING MY DRIVEWAY.
THESE NEW "STAND YOUR GROUND" LAWS ARE TERRIFIC.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DECORATE THE FRONT OF OUR HOUSE WITH CHRISTMAS STUFF TODAY.
I DID.
YOU JUST POURED WATER ON THE PORCH.
FROSTY THE GLOBAL WARMING SNOWMAN.
NOT A JOLLY, HAPPY SOUL.

HEY, FRANZ THE RUNNING PROFESSOR OF MUSIC, DIDN'T I TELL YOU WE DON'T WANT LESSONS?
YES, BUT IT'S AN EMERGENCY. SOME HUNGRY CROCS ARE EYEING A FEMALE ZEBRA.
DO YOU WANT US TO CALL THE POLICE?
YES. BEFORE THEY MAHLER.
PLEASE KILL HIM OFF NOW.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'M FRANZ THE PIANO TEACHER. I SPECIALIZE IN CLASSICAL TRAINING. I'M WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE LESSONS.
I'VE HEARD ABOUT YOU. YOU'RE THAT MUSIC TEACHER WHO ANNOYS PEOPLE WITH YOUR STUPID PUNS.
NOT TRUE. BUT IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED, YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED.
THOUGH IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, I'LL BE HAYDN OVER THERE.
I'M ALREADY SICK OF THIS CHARACTER.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... YOU NEED TO STOP HAVING LOUD PARTIES THAT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT.
AND YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT WHEN YOU POINT ONE FINGER, THERE ARE THREE MORE POINTING BACK AT YOU.
CRACK
I HAD FOUR MORE FINGERS WITH OPINIONS.

We put our dog to sleep on Wednesday. She had cancer.
her name was Edee. And she was the only dog I’ve ever had.
My wife Staci would walk her every morning and stop at this corner where little school kids passed.
Even kids that were afraid of dogs would pet her because Edee was so gentle and sweet. That was her nature.
Sometimes when I was drawing, she’d lie on the couch outside my studio door and protect me from squirrels. None ever got in.
( Squirrel free zone )
She also protected me from a mallard duck. It was stuffed and not likely to do much. But Edee’s heart was in the right place.
Which is why ours hurt so much now.
So run, Edee, run, to that beautiful field where you always knew there was love and affection you gave.

Dear Everyone,
Don't be mean.
But especially don't be mean to people who are powerless to stop you.
That's just cruel.

BEHOLD! THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
WHAT IS IT?
THE GOOFY UNCLE BOX.
HOW’S IT WORK?
YOUR UNCLE SAYS SOME GOOFY CRAP, YOU TRAP HIM IN THE BOX.
I’M NOT SURE THAT’S LEGAL.
DEPENDS ON THE UNCLE.
ARE THE CHAIN AND DUCT TAPE EXTRA?

HONEY, OUR CAROLER IS BACK.

LOOK, BABE, WE HAVE A CHRISTMAS CAROLER.
I'M DREAMING OF A WHIIITE CHRISTMAS...
SNATCH!
WHY YOU RACIST LITTLE NAZI.
IS IT POSSIBLE WE'RE ALL TOO TIGHTLY WOUND?
OKAY, WHY IS THE STRIP BEING BOYCOTTED?

HEY, PIG. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY PAL, TROY. HE'S AN OFFENSIVE LINEMAN IN FOOTBALL.
OH, IS THAT ONE OF WHAT THEY CALL THE SKILL POSITIONS?
NO, THAT'S JUST THE QUARTERBACK, RUNNING BACKS, AND WIDE RECEIVERS. THE REST OF US ARE JUST BIG LUNKS OF NOTHING WHOSE ONLY SKILL IS PUNCHING INSULTING GUYS IN THE FACE.
LINEMEN CAN BE SENSITIVE SOULS.

GOOD MORNIN' TO YOU, RAT.
OKAY, PERKY PETE. EVERY MORNING YOU CHIRP HELLO TO ME, DESPITE THE FACT THAT ANY SANE PERSON CAN SEE THAT I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON AND DO NOT WANT TO TALK.
GIVE ME TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS TO STOP.
PERKY PEOPLE EXTORTION IS WRONG.