Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOU BEEN WATCHING ANY REALITY T.V. LATELY?
NO. DON'T LIKE BEING EXPOSED.
TO T.V.?
REALITY.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION.
COME. JOIN ME IN SELF-DELUSIONTOPIA.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
A LIST I WROTE THIS MORNING.
CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
Today I will:
SEIZE LIFE!
SMELL ROSES!
DRINK WINE!
WRITE POEMS!
DREAM!!
HOPE!!
LOVE!!
WONDERFUL. AND WHAT'S THAT?
THINGS I DID.
- Bought wrong screw at Home Depot. - Went back to Home Depot.
WHY DOES LIFE KEEP INTERFERING WITH LIFE?
DUDE, YOU BOUGHT THIS KIND OF SCREW?!

PIG, GOAT... I’M HERE TO ANNOUNCE THAT I'VE HAD A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING. I AM NOW ONE OF THE FAITHFUL AND WILL BE OBSERVING ALL OF THE RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS.
I’M NOT SURE THAT COUNTS.
SAINT PATRICK’S DAY

TODAY IN THE NEWS... ALL THE BAD STUFF THAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY HAPPENED AGAIN.
AND WILL HAPPEN AGAIN TOMORROW.
IF YOU WERE SMART, YOU'D TURN THIS GAG OFF AND GO STAND IN THE DAISIES.

HEY, LARRY, DOES THIS SKIRT MAKE MY BUTT LOOK BIG?
No.
You butt look big because it big.
Is cold sleeping on porch.

HI, FOLKS. TODAY WE'RE GOING TO
DISCUSS "SWAN'S WAY" BY PROUST.
CLIFF, YOU START.
WELL, THERE'S A VERY COMPELLING
STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS IN THIS
WORK.
AND RAT?
WELL, THERE'S---
A LIFE OUT THERE, PEOPLE, AND YOU
ALL ARE MISSING IT!!
PLEASE
REVOKE HIS
BOOK CLUB
PRIVILEGES.
RUN!
I'LL HOLD
OPEN THIS
WINDOW!

HEY, LET'S GO TO THIS RESTAURANT. IT'S REALLY TRENDY.
HI... TABLE FOR TWO PLEASE.
THERE'S A TWO HOUR WAIT.
BUT YOU HAVE A BUNCH OF EMPTY TABLES AND THERE'S NO ONE ELSE WAITING.
WE SPIT ON YOUR FAMILY.
IS IT ME OR DO TRENDY RESTAURANTS HAVE ATTITUDE?

YOU'RE EATING CHILI CHEESE FRIES? JUNK LIKE THAT WILL TAKE TEN YEARS OFF YOUR LIFE.
NO ONE KNOWS HOW LONG THEY'RE GONNA LIVE, JEFF THE CYCLIST. I JUST WANT TO GET AS MUCH JOY AS I CAN OUT OF EVERY DAY.
HAHAHAHA! WHAT A WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE!
IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
IT IS. LIFE IS FOR RISING AT DAWN TO DRINK KALE.

My parents didn’t love me enough.
So please like me.
Please make me feel better.
Please make me whole.
Tell me I’m worth something.
Please. Somebody. Anybody.
ALL WRITERS EXPLAINED.
“THEN HE DRANK ALONE AND DIED.”
AWWWW... AT LEAST THE BOOZE HELPED.

HEY, PIG. WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES WITH ME THIS AFTERNOON?
I WOULD, BUT I HAVE TO DRY MY CLOTHES ON THE CLOTHESLINE.
SOME PEOPLE USE CLOTHESPINS.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HAVING A PARTY WITH MY FRIENDS, BROWN RICE AND BASMATI RICE.
THAT I DIDN'T GET INVITED TO BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF @%#&*@#%$@ PIECES OF @*%@!!
Steamed rice.

Dear Universe,
Yesterday was the worst day
of my life.
I CAN TOP IT.
This is
not a
contest.

HEARD YOU TOOK CARE OF A DISPUTE YOU WERE HAVING WITH SOME BIG, TOUGH NEIGHBOR WHO WAS PARKING IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE.
YEP... AND I HANDLED IT WITH APLOMB.
MOVE YOUR @#$#@# CAR.
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE FRUIT.

HEY, GUYS, GATHER ROUND. I HAVE AN UNBELIEVABLE STORY FROM WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID.
WHAT IS IT?
SO MY WHOLE FAMILY WAS EATING DINNER TOGETHER, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, THERE WAS A LOUD BANG AT THE BACK DOOR.
WHOA
YOUR WHOLE FAMILY ATE DINNER TOGETHER ?
YES, IT IS.
THAT'S NOT THE UNBELIEVABLE PART.
HOW LONG AGO WERE YOU RAISED

MY WORK DAY EXPLAINED
by
PIG
7:00 A.M.
WARM BED!!
7:30 A.M.
WARM SHOWER!
8:00 A.M.
WARM COFFEE!
9:00 A.M - 5:00 P.M
COLD WORLD.
I THINK I SEE WHERE IT GOES OFF THE RAILS.
WHY DO I GET OUT OF BED??

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
GOT A JOB MAKING JAM AT THIS BRITISH COMPANY, BUT THE BOSSES TREAT US BADLY.
HOW SO?
THEY CALL US PEONS.
WELL, THAT'S NOT NICE.
NO, IT'S NOT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT US JAM WORKERS ARE GONNA DO? WE'RE GONNA REPLACE THE TITLE WITH PRIDE.
WE'RE GONNA SHOW 'EM WE'RE THE HARDEST WORKING PEONS EVER. WE WON'T EVEN TAKE BATHROOM BREAKS.
OKAY, WHO HERE NEEDS TO USE THE LOO?
NO TIME FOR LOOS, SIRS, 'CAUSE WE ARE THE JAM PEONS!
MAMA? JUST KILLED A MAN.

GOATS MAD AT ME FOR NOT FEEDING HIS CAT WHILE HE WENT ON VACATION.
BUT I SEEM TO REMEMBER YOU GOING OVER THERE TO FEED HIM.
I KNOW. I DID. I GAVE THAT CAT A CAN OF TUNA EVERY DAY.
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO OPEN THE CAN.
HOW LAZY ARE THESE CATS?

HEY, PIG, YOU WANT TO COME TO MY BOOK CLUB MEETING ON FRIDAY?
WHAT’S A BOOK CLUB?
SOMETHING YOU DO WHEN YOU'VE CONSIDERED ALL OF LIFE’S RECREATIONAL OPTIONS AND CHOSEN POORLY.
WE MEET AND DISCUSS BOOKS.
IT'S LIKE A FUN PARTY WITHOUT THE FUN.

DO YOU THINK THERE'S HOPE FOR MANKIND?
I'LL HAVE HOPE FOR MANKIND WHEN GROCERY STORE CHAINS PUT BOOKS LIKE "THE GREAT GATSBY" AND "CATCHER IN THE RYE" IN CHECKOUT COUNTER RACKS THAT NOW CONTAIN TABLOIDS.
CAN WE AT LEAST KEEP THE CHOCOLATE BARS?
WAIT. WHERE WILL I GET ALL MY NEWS?

I'M FINALLY HAPPY.
YOU ARE?
YES. EVEN WITH ALL THE PAIN AND SUFFERING IN THE WORLD, I'VE FINALLY FOUND A WAY TO BE TRULY HAPPY.
HOW?
I'VE LOST THE ABILITY TO FEEL!
SOCIOPATHS HAVE IT SO EASY.

HEY, RAT. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A BRAIN DOCTOR. CAN I HAVE MY BRAIN EXAMINED?
SURE. LIFT UP YOUR EAR.
HMM. BAD NEWS.
WHAT?
IT'S NOT IN THERE.
I FINALLY KNOW WHY I'M A BAD SPELLER.

NIGHT, MOSTLY.
WHY, YOU LEFT WING, COMMUNIST, SOCIALIST, DIVERSITY-LOVING, AVOCADO TOAST-EATING, LIBERAL TRAITOR
I MISS THE DAYS WHEN EVERY TOPIC WASN’T POLITICAL.
I STILL LIKE YOU, TRAITOR.
HEY, DON’T TALK TO THE TREE-HUGGING ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE.

WHO... THIS GUY SAID WHAT?! I'LL RE-TWEET THE STORY.
WHAT?!
WHAT?!
EVIL!
HORRIBLE!
THE GOOD NEWS IS WE APOLOGIZED.
OH, GOOD.
WAIT! WAIT! NOW HE SAID THIS!
HEY... WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?
BURN IT DOWN!! BURN IT DOWN!!
UH... HANG ON GUYS. LOOKS LIKE THE ORIGINAL STORY WASN'T ACCURATE.
ENOUGH.
POUNCE HIM!
FOR SHAME.
FOR SHAME.

SIR PIG.
SIR PIGGETH?
SIR PIGGETH THE MAGNIFICENT?
WHAT'S A SURNAME?

OKAY, THE LAST QUESTION IN TONIGHT'S PUB TRIVIA CONTEST IS THIS: ACCORDING TO THE BEATLES' 1967 HIT, "ALL YOU NEED IS ... WHAT?"
OOH, LEMME TAKE THIS.
GO FOR IT.
Cheese.
SOMEHOW WE LOST.