Pearls Before Swine | Search

I GOT AN HOUR BEFORE I HAVE TO BE BED. WANT TO WATCH SOME NETFLIX WITH ME?
SURE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO WATCH?
WELL, WE'VE GOT NEW RELEASES. WHAT'S TRENDING. WHAT'S POPULAR.
WHAT'S BELOW THAT?
LET'S SEE...COMEDIES...DRAMAS... DOCUMENTARIES...CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED MOVIES...SCI-FI...BINGE-WORTHY TV...
WHAT ABOUT THAT?
SEEN IT...WE COULD WATCH THIS.
HEARD IT WASN'T GOOD. WHAT ABOUT THE ONE BELOW THAT?
I DON'T LIKE IT. WHAT ABOUT THIS?
NOT MY FAVORITE. WHAT ABOUT THE ONE NEXT TO IT?
NO. THIS ONE'S SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER.
HOW 'BOUT THIS?
NAH.
WELL, HOURS OVER.
REMEMBER WHEN OUR TV-WATCHING TIME INVOLVED TV-WATCHING?
NOPE.

HEY, PIG. WHAT'S GOING ON?
THE PLUMBING ABOVE MY ROOM BROKE AND THE WATER DESTROYED MY T.V., MY COMPUTER AND MY PHONE.
OH, MY GOODNESS. NOW WHAT?
NOW I CAN'T COMMUNICATE WITH ANYONE AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD.
AND LIFE IS GREAT!
MAYBE IT'S JUST THAT EASY.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE UNREACHABLE AND GIGGLING.

HEY, PIG... WHY DO YOU HAVE TWO CORKS IN YOUR EARS?
WHAT'S THAT?
WHY THE CORKS IN YOUR EARS?
OH, I DO IT WHEN I READ.
BECAUSE YOU LIKE IT TO BE QUIET?
BECAUSE I HAVE TROUBLE RETAINING INFORMATION.
IT DOESN'T LEAK OUT YOUR EARS.
OH.
IS THIS BETTER?

HEY, BUDDY... WANT A COCKTAIL?
WHO ARE YOU?
NEW BAR. A REAL HOLE-IN-THE-WALL.
DO YOU DRINK WHILE YOU WRITE THESE?
SOMETIMES.

HARD CLIMB UP SUCCESS MOUNTAIN
EASY SLIDE TO EVERYTHING -IS-FINE- AS-IT-IS COUCH
WHREEEEE
I THINK I KNOW WHY MY LIFE IS WHERE IT IS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. I HEAR YOU'RE RETIRING. WHATCHA GONNA DO WITH ALL THAT FREE TIME?
YEAH. I'M TRYING TO FIGURE THAT OUT RIGHT NOW. I'M MAKING A LITTLE LIST.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. WHAT DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
THIS.
- Sit around.
- Await death.
MAYBE YOU NEED A HOBBY.
IS SITTING A HOBBY?

HEY, PIG.
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO THIS MORNING?
GETTING
MOTIVATED!
TERRIFIC! MOTIVATED
TO DO WHAT?
TO STAY IN BED LONGER.
I DON'T THINK
THAT COUNTS.
HEY, MAN.
YOU'RE BREAKING
MY FOCUS.

The town was in ruins and the people didn't know what to do.
Wait a minute, said Stevie Shovelnose, "MY" family has been with shovels for noses. Surely we can begin clearing debris.
And my family could saw wood for the homes, added Suzy Sawnose.
And my people could hammer all that together, offered an excited Henry Hammernose.
Soon all the townspeople were volunteering because they realized for the very first time that each part of the family was part of a whole, uniquely able to contribute to the greater good.
And I can sue for injuries below the standard of care!
Except Barry Briefcase-nose, who was buried by Stevie Shovelnose.
ALMOST A FEE-GOOD STORY.
NO, NO, FEE- GOOD.
RUN, PETEY POLITICIAN-NOSE. RUN!

WELL, THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT PARTY, PIGITA, AND, UH, I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE?
NEVER END A SENTENCE WITH A PROPOSITION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
LOOKING BACK AT MY GOALS FOR THE PAST YEAR AND SEEING HOW I DID.
2019 Fitness Goals:
Live how I want and be happy.
ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL YEAR.

HUMANITY IS TOO FRACTURED INTO SILLY GROUPS THAT WANT TO DESTROY EACH OTHER. DIFFERENT RELIGIONS. DIFFERENT POLITICS. DIFFERENT ETHNICITIES.
AND IT'S SO DUMB. EVERYONE'S JUST HUMAN. AND BESIDES, THERE'S ONLY ONE DIVISION THAT EVEN MATTERS.
GOOD PEOPLE AND BAD PEOPLE?
GOOD PEOPLE AND THOSE WHO DRINK KALE SMOOTHIES.
ALMOST A NORMAL CONVERSATION.
I'M THINKING WE SHOULD DESTROY THEM.

List of New Year's Resolutions
1) Spend all my waking hours pursuing my life's goals.
2) Nap so much there are no waking hours.
I CAN DO THIS.

December
TOSS
FLICK
FOOSH
SOME YEARS YOU JUST HAVE TO PURGE.

WHERE YOU HEADED, RAT?
NEW BAR ON THE CORNER. COME CHECK IT OUT WITH ME.
SEEMS SKETCHY.
BAR
FINALLY, A JOKE YOU CAN DRAW.
THAT HURTS.

HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'M THE NEW YEAR'S BABY HERE TO WISH YOU A 'NEW YEAR'!
I THINK THE EXPRESSION IS 'HAPPY NEW YEAR'.
YEAH, BUT I CAN SEE WHAT'S COMING NEXT YEAR.
OH GOD... HELP US ALL
GLUG
GLUG
GLUG
GLUG
I'M WORRIED ABOUT NEXT YEAR.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION AND WE NOTICED YOU HAD A GIRL OVER YESTERDAY. ARE YOU DATING HER?
YES. WHY?
BECAUSE WE DON'T THINK SHE'S RIGHT FOR YOU. WE'RE ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP.
OUR H.O.A. HAS BROAD POWERS.

HEY, CAN YOU GIMME A JACK TO GO?
SURE, BUT YOU CAN'T CARRY AN OPEN DRINK AROUND. I'D HAVE TO GIVE YOU A BOX OR SOMETHING.
FINE.
GREAT... I'LL GO GET IT.
BARTENDERS SHOULD REFRAIN FROM ALL FORMS OF HUMOR.

I HEARD YOU THINK YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH PIGITA IS OVER.
YEAH. WE WERE CHATTING BY TEXT AND I SAID 'GREAT TALKING' AND SHE REPLIED WITH THIS...
TTYL
THAT'S 'TALK TO YOU LATER'.
OH.
I THOUGHT IT WAS 'TERRIBLE TALKING, YOU LARDO'.

HEY, RAT, CAN YOU DRIVE ME TO THE AIRPORT TOMORROW?
LOVE TO. BUT I CAN'T. TOO BUSY.
OH. OKAY. HEY, DO ME A FAVOR. GO TO 'SETTINGS' ON YOUR PHONE. THEN 'BATTERY' THEN SCROLL DOWN TO WHERE IT SHOWS HOW MANY HOURS A DAY YOU SPEND MESSING AROUND ON YOUR PHONE.
SEVENTEEN.
TIME MANAGEMENT MAY BE AN ISSUE.

WHAT'S IT LIKE HAVING A CHILD, STEPH?
HAVING A CHILD IS LIKE HAVING YOUR OWN HEART RUNNING AROUND IN THE STREETS AND NOT ALWAYS LOOKING BOTH WAYS.
THAT'S THE CORRECT EXPRESSION.
LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YOU STUPID LITTLE THING!

Dear Monday,
You are the least popular day of the week.
If you were a Brady, you'd be Jan
YOU THINK ANYONE WILL GET THE REFERENCE?
I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT A MONDAY IS.
FRIDAY IS SOOOO MARCIA.

AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE IN YOUR STOCKING THIS YEAR?
IPHONE!
LEGOS!
X BOX!
NO MORE SHOOTINGS.

THANKS FOR
BOOKING YOUR
FLIGHT ON ACME
AIRLINES. CAN WE
DO ANYTHING
ELSE FOR YOU?
YES. ONE
QUESTION.
ARE THERE
ANY NUNS
ON THE
FLIGHT?
I HAVE NO
WAY OF KNOWING
THAT, SIR, BUT
WHY DOES IT
MATTER?
I FIGURE
IT'S SAFER
GIVEN THAT
NUNS ARE
IMMORTAL.
I BELIEVE
NUNS DIE,
SIR.
SAY
WHAT?
I NEED
TO GO
NOW, SIR.
WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT .... IS CHER
ON BOARD?

HEY, PIG, SINCE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PAYS THE BILLS, HOW MUCH DO WE PAY A MONTH FOR CABLE?
I'LL HAVE TO GO LOOK AT THE BILL.
JUST TELL ME ROUGHLY.
WE PAY. ABOUT. A HUNDRED... BUCKS...
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS FAR TOO AMBIGUOUS.

Personal milestones attained this year:
GOT FATTER!
I LIKE TO FRAME THINGS AS A POSITIVE.