Pearls Before Swine | Search

The best way to get in shape is to visualize yourself moving toward your goal.
HARD WORK MOUNTAIN

HOW GOOD INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING WORKS
I DID IT
I DENY EVERYTHING
NEWS PAPER INC
WHOA WHOA WHOA BEFORE RUSHING TO JUDGMENT, LET'S DO THE LEGWORK ON THIS
SO REPORTERS FANMED OUT ALL OVER THE CITY
AND CHECKED AND RE-CHECKED DOCUMENTS
AND TALKED AND TALKED TO WITNESSES
AND ARMED WITH FACTS, THEY APPLIED THE WHITE HOT JOURNALISTIC HEAT TO THEIR SUBJECT
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT. YOU GOT ME! I DID IT!
HOW SOCIAL MEDIA WORKS
DID I MURDER HIM?
GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!
I HAVEN'T ANSWERED YET
SORRY. ON TO THE NEXT THING
SO WHO REALLY NEEDS REPORTERS?
INSTA-JUDGMENT IS SOOO MUCH INSTANTER!!!

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
TWO POUNDS' WORTH OF CHILI FRIES AND TWO POUNDS' WORTH OF CHEESE. I'M FINALLY TRYING TO BE HEALTHY.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT'S HEALTHY?
BALANCED DIET.
I INTERPRET MY DOCTOR'S ORDERS AS NECESSARY.

GOAT'S CHECKING ACCOUNT STATEMENT ACCIDENTALLY CAME TO OUR HOUSE. I'M SO TEMPTED TO LOOK THROUGH IT AND SEE WHAT HE SPENDS MONEY ON.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'D BE RIGHT.
WHEN IT COMES TO MORAL DILEMMAS LIKE THIS, I ALWAYS APPLY THE "W.W.F.D." TEST.
WHAT'S THAT?
"WHAT WOULD FACEBOOK DO?"
WHOA. HE SURE WASTES A LOT OF CASH.

WHATCHA DOING, RAT?
I CREATED AN APP THAT TRANSLATES REAL ESTATE AGENT-ESE INTO ENGLISH.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE THIS ONE: LOCATED IN A TRENDY UP-AND-COMING NEIGHBORHOOD: JUST PUT THOSE WORDS INTO THE TRANSLATOR AND YOU GET...
MAY GET SHOT
HOW HELPFUL.
'P.S. YOUR CAR IS TOAST.'

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
AN APP I CREATED. TRANSLATES REAL ESTATE AGENT-ESE INTO ENGLISH.
HOW SO?
WELL, THIS LISTING SAYS, "CHARMING LITTLE FIXER-UPPER." SO YOU PUT THAT INTO THE TRANSLATOR AND SEE THAT IT MEANS...
JUST SET FIRE TO YOUR MONEY NOW.
IT HELPS TO BE FLUENT.

BEHOLD! A TEST I'VE DEVELOPED TO DETERMINE WHICH OF MY SOCIAL MEDIA FRIENDS I SHOULD CULL FROM THE HERD. I DO IT BASED ON WHETHER THEY POST TOO MUCH. BRAG TOO MUCH, ETC.
OOH. CAN I SEE YOUR TEST?
NO. THE FACTORS I USE TO CULL ARE PROPRIETARY.
LET ME SEE! LET ME SEE!
DON'T TOUCH MY TEST TO CULL! DON'T TOUCH MY TEST TO CULL!
COMIC CLOSED TIL FURTHER NOTICE
Have a wholesome day.

DO YOU EVER REMEMBER YOUR DREAMS?
YEAH.
I WAS GONNA BE SUCCESSFUL AND MARRIED AND RICH.
NOT WHAT I MEANT.
YOU'RE REALLY BRINGING ME DOWN.

SURVEY QUESTIONS
Have you chosen to drive a gas-powered vehicle?
Yes No
If so, do you feel guilty about its effect on the environment?
Yes No
Do you think your choices in life are in any way related to a poor diet?
Yes No
If so, do you plan to improve that diet?
Maybe No
Do you wake up early to exercise?
No I'm uninspired.
Will this change?
Hell no
So what's it like to be a fat, lazy turd?
YOUR SURVEY OF NON-CYCLISTS SEEMS KINDA BIASED, JEF.
PLEASE, WE'RE TRYING TO UNDERSTAND YOUR KIND.
HE DIDN'T ANSWER, WHY BOTHER LIVING?

AH, LOOK... A LITTLE GIRL SELLING LEMONADE... IT'S SO REFRESHING TO SEE A YOUNG GO-GETTER DOING HER BEST TO---
THUD
NOW SOLD CHEAPER AND MORE CONVENIENTLY AT AMAZON.COM
IT WAS NICE WHILE IT LASTED.

THINGS PEOPLE WILL NOT COMPROMISE ON.
AGE 22
LIVING IN A LARGE HOUSE WITH THE BEST SCHOOLS IN TOWN.
HAVING THE RIGHT CAREER THAT IS FULFILLING AND MORALLY RESPONSIBLE.
MARRYING SOMEONE WHO SHARES MY BELIEFS, VALUES, AND PRIORITIES.
SAVING AND INVESTING TO REACH ALL GOALS.
AGE 52
BEER. MUST BE COLD.
LIFE: MOCKER OF PLANS.
ACTUALLY, LUKEWARM BEER IS FINE.

WELL, GUYS, I'M OFF TO GOLF.
YOU GOLF? HOW COME?
BECAUSE I FINALLY REALIZED THERE IS NO POINT TO LIFE, SO I MIGHT AS WELL HIT A LITTLE WHITE BALL AROUND.
BEST EXPLANATION OF GOLF EVER.

I'VE CALLED YOU INTO THE OFFICE, RAT, BECAUSE OF HOW RUDE YOU ARE TO OTHER EMPLOYEES. PEOPLE HAVE TO GIVE YOU A WIDE BERTH.
A BERTH CAUSED BY ME?
YES.
THEN I'D LIKE SIX MONTHS' PATERNITY LEAVE.
LEGALLY, I THINK I HAVE HIM.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU BUILDING A MODEL OF?
DINNER ROLL.
WHY?
EVERYONE NEEDS A ROLL MODEL.
YOU'RE NOT ANYONES.

AH, A BRAND NEW DAY! ONE FILLED WITH HOPE FOR ALL THE GOOD THINGS TO COME!
SLAP
SLAP
SLAP
I WISH THE WORLD WOULD STOP SLAPPING ME AROUND.

WOOOM! WOOOM! ME IS CATCH SON DO BAD TINGS.
WHAT NOW, LARRY?
HE IS CHASE BUTTERFLEAS.
BUTTERFLEAS, LARRY. HE LOVES THEM.
OKAY. DAT NO LARRY SON. LARRY SON GROW UP, KEEL TINGS. BE SCARY. LARRY SON NO SMILE. STARE AT BUTTERFLEAS.
OKAY, LARRY. GO TELL HIM HOW HE NEEDS TO BE.
NOW YOU TINK SMART.
JUST KNOW HE WON'T DO IT. INSTEAD, HE'LL GROW UP AND LIVE HIS OWN LIFE. ONLY YOU WON'T BE A PART OF IT BECAUSE HE'LL RESENT YOU.
HAHA HA. NOW YOU JUSS RIDEECOULOS.

I THINK THE WORLD'S RELIGIONS ARE RIGHT. THE KEY TO LIFE IS TO LOVE OTHER PEOPLE.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THAT?
YES.
EXCEPT THE ANNOYING ONES. THOSE I'LL HIT WITH A STICK.
I DON'T REMEMBER THAT IN SCRIPTURE.
YES. YOU ONLY HAVE TO LOVE THE FRIENDLY ONES.

TODAY IN THE NEWS, YOUR DEMOCRACY SLIPPED FURTHER AWAY.
ZZZZZZZZ
WAKE UP, YOU FAT TURD, AND CARE!!
SORRY. IT'S BEEN A LONG YEAR.

Today's Inspirational Message
by RAT
REACH FOR THE STARS!
But remember that if you get one, it's a hot burning gas and you'll die.
I WANT THEM TO KNOW WHAT'S COMING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WRITING DOWN MY FAVORITE RACE.
BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT,
THERE ARE SOME WE LIKE MORE THAN OTHERS.
PIG, THAT'S VERY --
Indy 500
YOU MAY HAVE A NERVOUS CONDITION.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
THEY'RE GRITS THAT YOU LET GET COLD, THEN RE-HEAT IN THE MICROWAVE. THEY CALL THEM RE-GRITS. YOU EVER HAD ANY ?
RE-GRITS? I'VE HAD A FEW. BUT THEN AGAIN, TOO FEW TO MUNCH ON.
THE RECORD SHOWS, HE TOOK THE BLOWS.

There's always
a light at
the end
of the
tunnel.
But
then
there's
another
tunnel.
Then
there's the
longest
tunnel
of all.
That's
called
death.
PLEASE STOP
MAKING YOUR OWN
WORKPLACE
MOTIVATIONAL
POSTERS.
HEY, CAN
YOU DRAW
A GOOD
SKULL?

THE ENTIRE HISTORY O' LIFE EXPLAINED USING ONLY THE 'C' WORDS
CREATION
WAAAH
CONSCIOUSNESS
THIS IS NOT MY MOTHER'S WOMB.
CONFUSION
WHAT AM I DOING HERE?
COLLABORATION
I WANT YOU.
CONSUMMATION
OH, WOW.
CONSEQUENCE
OH, MY.
CREATION
WAAAH
CLIMATE CHANGE
UH OH
CONCLUSION
CHEERY.
CLEVER.
CHEESE CAN CURE CYNICISM.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, RAT?
MY FIRST ROCKCLIMBING LESSON. I ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY IT.
TERRIFIC... I THINK YOU'LL BE GREAT AT RAPPELING.
THANKS.

DO YOU THINK DRIVING WITH A DEAD GUY IN THE BACK SEAT QUALIFIES YOU TO USE THE CARPOOL LANE?
NO.
BUT THE SIGN SAYS "TWO OR MORE PERSONS."
YES, BUT I DON'T THINK A DEAD GUY COUNTS AS A PERSON...
OH, GOOD. SO IF A COP PULLED ME OVER AND ASKED WHY I HAD A DEAD GUY IN THE BACK SEAT, IT'S OKAY BECAUSE IT'S NOT A PERSON...
WELL, THIS HAS TAKEN A TURN...
MAMA? YOUR BOY WON'T GET THE CHAIR AFTER ALL!!