Pearls Before Swine | Search

WANT TO JOIN THE CLUB O' GREAT EXCLUSIVITY?
SURE.
SORRY. YOU CAN'T.
THEN WHY'D YOU ASK?
TO FEEL SUPERIOR.
THAT'S VERY HURTFUL.

BEHOLD! I HAVE FORMED THE CLUB O' GREAT EXCLUSIVITY.
HOW EXCLUSIVE IS IT?
I'M THE ONLY MEMBER.
THEN WHY EVEN FORM A CLUB?
TO EXPERIENCE THE JOY OF EXCLUDING OTHERS.
SEEK HELP.
AND LEAVE THIS PLACE UNGUARDED? NICE TRY, EXCLUDED GUY.

Three ways to save a life today.
Gather up courage to run into burning building and carry out person on back.
(Not recommended.)
Jump into raging river and pull drowning person to shore.
(Not safe.)
Check little box.
IT'S EITHER THAT OR GIVE 'EM TO THE WORMS.
TO HECK WITH THOSE LITTLE WORMS!!

WELL, SARA, THIS HAS BEEN A WONDERFUL FIRST DATE.
I'VE REALLY ENJOYED IT. I NEVER THOUGHT I’D MEET ANYONE ON A DATING APP.
ME EITHER.
BUT IT HAPPENED! AND WE'RE SO COMPATIBLE. OUR MUSIC, INTERESTS, LIFESTYLE.
I KNOW! IT'S LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. WELL, I BETTER CALL IT A NIGHT.
ME TOO. JUST GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP AND I CAN'T WAIT TO TRY IT OUT.
OOH, THAT'S A BIG BED. WHAT SIDE ARE YOU GONNA SLEEP ON?
THE RIGHT, OF COURSE. I ALWAYS SLEEP ON THE RIGHT.
BUT I ALWAYS SLEEP ON THE RIGHT.
DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE @#%.
SEE YA. WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YA.
SOME THINGS ARE NON-NEGOTIABLE.
OH, ALSO NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.

HELP! HELP! SOMEONE'S HAVING A MEDICAL EMERGENCY! IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE??
NO! BUT I'M A NOTARY PUBLIC! AND I CAN SEE TO IT THAT A DOCUMENT GETS SIGNED AND WITNESSED AND I CAN ATTEST TO THE VERACITY OF THE SIGNATURE!
I COULDN'T SAVE HIM.

I DON'T GET IT. I BUY THINGS, THINGS, THINGS, AND I'M NOT HAPPY. SO I BUY BIGGER THINGS, BETTER THINGS, FASTER THINGS, AND I'M STILL NOT HAPPY.
MAYBE LIFE IS ABOUT EXPERIENCES!
I HATE IT WHEN HE DOES THAT.

Rat's Chart of the Factors That Control Your Destiny...
HARD WORK!
DUMB LUCK
HARD WORK!
I'VE GOT THE DUMB PART DOWN.
YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE.

WHY THE OUTFIT?
I’VE STARTED A NEW RELIGION.
ITS CENTRAL TENET IS TO
LOVE YOUR FELLOW MAN.
UNLESS HE DOES SOMETHING YOU DISLIKE. THEN YOU CAN KICK HIM IN THE REAR.
I LIKE MY RELIGIONS TO BE REALISTIC.

HEY, GOAT. CALLING TO SAY I'M AT OLD MAN JOHNSON'S HOUSE. HE CAME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL TO DIE AT HOME.
WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR DYING PEACEFULLY IN YOUR OWN BED.
HE'S NOT GOING PEACEFULLY.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
WELL, GIVEN THE STATE OF THINGS, WE THOUGHT WE'D GET A HEAD START ON EVERYONE.
A HEAD START TO WHERE?
HELL IN A HANDBASKET.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
THAT'S ONE WAY TO HANDLE THINGS.

HEY, BRUH...HOW'S YOUR DORM? IS IT SICK?
YEAH. IT'S OKAY.
ANY OF YOUR ROOMMATES CRAY?
NO.
YO. YOU CAN KEEP IT ONE HUNDRED WITH ME.
I AM.
HEARD YOU WENT TO A PARTY. WAS IT LIT?
IT WAS FINE.
YOU GET PRETTY TURN'T? THAT'D BE DOPE.
IT'S EMBARRASSING WHEN YOU CALL AND READ FROM A LIST OF SLANG YOU JUST FOUND ON THE INTERNET, DAD.
STOP THROWING SHADE, BRUH.
I'M GONNA GO NOW, DAD.

IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU PROBABLY JUST LEARNED THE TERM "FOMO"... IT MEANS "FEAR OF MISSING OUT."
AND YOU'RE THE ONE MISSING OUT, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ON TOP OF TODAY'S SLANG. SO GET AHEAD OF THE CURVE WITH THIS HANDY GUIDE.
FOBO
FEAR OF BEING OBLONG
FOCO
FEAR OF CAREFREE OTTERS
FODO
FEAR OF DEMORALIZING OATMEAL
FOFO
FEAR OF FAMILY OCCASIONS
YOU LEFT OUT F.O.F.T.A.T.A.
FEAR OF FAILING TO AMUSE ANYONE.
I DON'T HAVE THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
TRYING OUT THIS SYNCHRONICITY THEORY. IT SAYS THAT IF YOU BELIEVE YOU WILL GET SOMETHING, YOU WILL. SO I WROTE DOWN WHAT I WANT.
WHAT'D YOU WRITE?
PEACE FOR ALL MANKIND. HERE... YOU TRY.
Nachos.
YOU CAN PROBABLY JUST BUY THEM.
THEY DON'T DROP FROM THE SKY?

COME PLAY WITH ME, DAD!
I JUST DID. NOW I'M READING. REMEMBER, YOU GET YOUR TIME AT THE PARK AND I GET MINE.
Dat smart. And juss tink, one day he no need your time at all.

THE TRIAL OF THIS GUY HAS TAKEN OVER A MONTH.
THAT’S ABSURD.
WHY IS THAT ABSURD?
BECAUSE I CAN JUDGE A GUY IN TWO SECONDS ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
SOME PEOPLE LIKE EVIDENCE.
NO TIME. JUST JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON AND GO.

HEY, GOAT, WHY DO YOU HAVE PHOTOS OF ARMY GUYS ON YOUR BLOG?
THEY’RE PHOTOS OF NORMANDY BEACH DURING WORLD WAR TWO. I POST THEM EVERY ELECTION DAY AS A REMINDER.
A REMINDER OF WHAT?
THAT PEOPLE FOUGHT AND DIED SO YOU WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO VOTE TODAY.
HE’S A VERY PERSUASIVE GOAT.
CAN I VOTE MORE THAN ONCE PLEASE?

EVERY TIME I GO TO THE BATHROOM AT HOME, I WALK 37.9 FEET. AND I GO TO THE BATHROOM TEN TIMES A DAY.
SO?
SO OVER THE COURSE OF A YEAR, THAT'S 138,335 FEET, WHICH WORKS OUT TO OVER 26 MILES.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL THIS?
BECAUSE I'VE COMPLETED MY FIRST MARATHON!
I DON'T THINK THAT COUNTS.
IT JUST TAKES DISCIPLINE.

RAT'S RECIPES FOR DISASTER
Buy newspapers. You'd THINK there'd be some tension.
Replace them with billions of people whose only qualification is having a computer.
Heard a rumor today that squirrels can kill.
SQUIRREL TERRORIST CELLS! I will RE-TWEET THAT.
Stir in a few RUSSIANS... AMERIKANS... SQUIRRELS KILLSKI YOUSKI!!!
Have an election that is permeated on an informed electorate.
SQUIRRELS HATE YOUR FREEDOMS!
HE WILL ELECT... er... HE WILL ELECT JEFF.
Cook 'till democracy evaporates.
MAYBE WE SHOULD PAY FOR JOURNALISM AGAIN.
DON'T BOTHER. WE'RE COOKED.
I'LL BE SAFE IN HERE.

WHO'S THAT GUY?
PRAYING PUPPY.
HE PRAYS TWELVE HOURS A DAY.
HOW INSPIRATIONAL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE PRAYS FOR?
SOMEONE THAT DEVOTED?
PROBABLY JUST FOR LOVE AND PEACE IN THESE DIFFICULT TIMES.
Treats.
More.

MY
RELIGION
IS ALL
ABOUT
LOVE FOR
MY FELLOW
MAN.
MY
RELIGION
IS ALL
ABOUT
LOVE FOR
MY FELLOW
MAN.
Believe
in my
RELIGION
OF LOVE!
Believe
in my
RELIGION
OF LOVE!
ALL
OF
HISTORY
EXPLAINED.
GOOD
THING
THAT'S ALL
IN THE
PAST.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
FOOD FOR MY CAMPING TRIP. I HAVE RAISINS IN MY RAISIN SACK, AND GRANOLA IN MY GRANOLA SACK.
AND NUTS IN MY NUT SACK.
I KNEW WE WERE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM HERE.
WHY ARE YOU GRABBING HIS NUT SACK?
I FEEL SO VIOLATED.

TRICK OR TREAT!!!
WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
A NEIGHBOR WHO DOESN'T SHARE YOUR SOURCE OF NEWS. SO WHILE WE'VE NEVER AGREED ON THE EVENTS OF THE DAY, I NOW HAVE NO IDEA WHAT EVENTS YOU'RE EVEN TALKING ABOUT, BECAUSE I NOW ONLY HEAR WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.
THEN HE SCREAMED AND LOCKED THE DOOR.

IN A UNISEX BATHROOM, SHOULD YOU LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP OR DOWN?
UP, OF COURSE. WHY WOULDN'T I?
BECAUSE WOMEN PEE SITTING DOWN.
I FEEL LIKE YOUR EDUCATION WAS INCOMPLETE.
MY GOD, THEY'RE MYSTERIOUS.

I'M SMART AND I'M ALWAYS BITTER. YOU'RE STUPID AND YOU'RE ALWAYS HAPPY. HOW IN THE WORLD CAN THAT BE?
STUPIDIOSITY IS UNDERRATED.
NOT A WORD.
GRAMMAR NOT IS CONCERN FOR WE.

YOUR GUIDE TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM
by Rat
Working hard is the single biggest contributor to your odds of financial success.
As well as to heart disease, depression, and strokes.
So life has you by the oompaloopmas.
Give up now.
I WAS HOPING FOR A MORE POSITIVE ENDING.