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WE STILL GONNA ROB THE BANK ON MONDAY?
MONDAY? I THOUGHT IT WAS TUESDAY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF BOB WILL BE ABLE TO GET US THE GETAWAY CAR BY MONDAY.
I FORGOT ABOUT BOB. I WAS SUPPOSED TO REMIND HIM TO BRING A GUN.
WHEN YOU DO, CAN YOU ASK HIM WHERE THE BANK IS? I DON'T HAVE A CLUE.
I CAN'T STAND DISORGANIZED CRIME.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT PERCENTAGE OF AMERICANS ARE MILLIONAIRES?
AROUND FIVE PERCENT.
AND THE SAME PERCENTAGE HOLDS TRUE FOR OUR PUBLIC SERVANTS IN CONGRESS?
MORE THAN HALF OF THEM ARE MILLIONAIRES.
OUR SERVANTS HAVE STOLEN THE KINGDOM.

Dear Powers-That-Be-in-the-Universe
PLEASE FIX ME.
By "fix," I mean make me better, and not what people have done to their dogs and cats.
SOMETIMES CLARITY IS IMPORTANT.

IF WE DON'T GET AHEAD OF THIS TECHNOLOGY, ALL OF LIFE COULD BE DRAMATICALLY DISRUPTED.
IT COULD LAUNCH NUCLEAR MISSILES.
IT COULD CAUSE PLANES TO FALL FROM THE SKY.
IT COULD STOP PEOPLE'S PACEMAKERS, MAKE ALL ELEVATORS FALL, OPEN ALL PRISON DOORS.
IT COULD CAUSE LIFE-THREATENING SHORTAGES OF FOOD, FUEL, AND MEDICAL SUPPLIES. ALL ASPECTS OF SOCIETY COULD BE AFFECTED.
THE LATEST WARNINGS ABOUT ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE?
WARNING FROM 1999 ABOUT Y2K.
MAYBE THE BIGGEST THREAT TO OUR WELL-BEING IS FEAR.
SHHH... THIS YEAR 2000 COULD DESTROY US ALL.

TODAY'S SPECIAL NUMBER:
5
Which is the number of times I've made coffee on my Keurig Machine...
And forgot to put a cup underneath.
THAT CAN'T BE TRUE.
YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S NINE.

A Lifetime of Meditation
The first step in meditation is to clear your mind of all thoughts.
WAIT, IS THAT LUMP ON MY NECK CANCER? IS MY MOTHER MAD AT ME? IS MY CAREER STUCK? AND SHOULD I DRINK MORE WATER? AND LESS COFFEE? AND IS THAT LUMP ON MY NECK CANCER? IN NOVEMBER? AT THE JENKINS' PARTY? DID I PICK UP THE DRY CLEANING? DID THE SMITHS INVITE US TO THAT THING AND I MISSED IT? DID MY MOTHER HANG UP ON ME EARLIER BECAUSE SHE'S MAD? WHY CAN'T I ROLL MY 'R's'? AND WHAT IS THAT LUMP ANYWAY?? AND IS MY PINKY SUPPOSED TO TINGLE LIKE THAT? AND WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THAT $20 BILL? IS THIS THE BEST CUSHION FOR MY BACK? AND THAT TIME I WAS A KID AND TRIED TO TIE DRAPE CORD TO THE MONKEY BARS-
I CAN MEDITATE FOR HALF A SECOND.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW MORE AND MORE OF THE CRIME BEING COMMITTED DOWNTOWN IS HAPPENING IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?
YOU EVER NOTICE HOW WE ONLY PUT THE WORD 'BROAD' BEFORE 'DAYLIGHT' WHEN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A CRIME?
I HATE IT WHEN YOUR ODD THOUGHTS MAKE ME THINK.
ALSO, SINCE WHEN IS DAYLIGHT BROAD?

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SOMEONE REALLY OFFENDS YOU AND YOU WANT TO GET THEM BACK
OH, THAT'S EASY. I TAKE THESE BABY CHICKS WITH ME.
WHEN I GET MAD, I JUST TURN ONE OF THEM AROUND TO FACE ME, AND HIS CUTE LITTLE FACE CHEERS ME UP.
SO WHAT SHOULD I DO
TURN THE OTHER CHICK.
YOU'VE OFFENDED ALL OF US.

HEY, GOAT, I HAVE A FEW THINGS I'D LIKE TO DEBATE WITH YOU REGARDING THIS UPCOMING ELECTION.
HOW DO YOU DEFINE A 'DEBATE'?
I TALK. YOU LISTEN. EVENTUALLY YOU LEARN HOW STUPID YOU ARE.
I'LL PASS ON THE DEBATE.
AWW. TOO BAD. YOUR STUPIDITY WILL REMAIN UNCHANGED.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, EVERY TIME I TRY TO SUCCEED AT SOMETHING, I FAIL.
FAILURE IS ACTUALLY AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE PROCESS... BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU FAIL, YOU CAN LEARN FROM THAT AND GET BETTER.
THAT'S GREAT.
SO NOW I'LL ONLY TRY TO FAIL.
HE JUMPED OFF THE CLIFF IN DESPAIR.

OH, HI, PIG...I'M YOUR NEIGHBOR TIM. WE'VE MET A COUPLE TIMES.
OH, HI.
HEY, PIG, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND HERE ?
UHH..
TIM. I JUST TOLD YOU. AND THIS IS LIKE THE THIRD TIME WE'VE MET.
I'M SO SORRY. AS I GET OLDER, I JUST DON'T REMEMBER NAMES AS WELL.
HEY, PIG, WHAT WAS THE OPENING DAY LINEUP FOR THE 1977 LOS ANGELES DODGERS?
DAVEY LOPES. BILL RUSSELL. REGGIE SMITH. RON CEY. STEVE GARVEY. RICK MONDAY. DUSTY BAKER. STEVE YEAGER. DON SUTTON!!
I CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
TODAY HAS 'GREAT BIG SURPRISE SATURDAY.'
WHAT WAS THE SURPRISE?
MY CAR NEEDS $6,000 WORTH OF REPAIRS.
LIFE IS ALL IN HOW YOU FRAME IT.

PIG TELLS ME YOU'RE CREATING YOUR OWN LANGUAGE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR?
I BELIEVE THAT WITHOUT OUR CONSENT, THE GOVERNMENT AND BIG TECH KEEPS THE MICROPHONE AND CAMERA ON OUR SMARTPHONES TURNED ON TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY.
SO THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO PROTECT MYSELF.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE PARANOID?
KLEM LEMBOT BOBO FARFBOO.

WHAT'S WRONG, WILLY WORM?
CATHY CATERPILLAR, IF WE'RE GONNA STAY TOGETHER, YOU NEED TO CHANGE.
GOODBYE, SAD LITTLE WILLY WORM! OFF TO SOAR TO NEW HEIGHTS!
NEVER TAUNT A CATERPILLAR.

IN 1965, THE AVERAGE C.E.O. MADE 21 TIMES AS MUCH AS THE TYPICAL WORKER.
TODAY, THE AVERAGE C.E.O. MAKES 344 TIMES AS MUCH AS THE TYPICAL WORKER.
LET ME TRY TO SHOW YOU THAT ON A BAR GRAPH.
I THINK YOU RAN INTO 'MUTTS.'
SORRY, MOOCH!

I JUST HEARD YOU RECENTLY MET SOMEONE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD WHO LOOKS HUMAN BUT IS ACTUALLY AN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE ANDROID.
MAYBE.
LISTEN, RAT... IN THE WRONG HANDS, ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE COULD REALLY BE EXPLOITED AND MISUSED.... WITH GRAVE CONSEQUENCES.
SO IF I FIND YOU'RE HARBOR- ING SOMEONE LIKE THAT, I WOULD NOT HESTITATE TO CON- TACT THE AUTHORITIES.
WE CAN'T TAKE YOU TO PUB TRIVIA NIGHT.
OUR TEAM WAS A LOCK!

HI! YOU MUST BE THE NEW NEIGHBOR. WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD. YOU'LL FIND WE'RE VERY ACCEPTING OF NEW PEOPLE.
I'M NOT A PEOPLE. I'M AN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE CREATION, MEANT TO SIMULATE A HUMAN IN APPEARANCE.
AND RIGHT NOW, MY INTELLIGENCE HAS ADVANCED TO THE POINT THAT I'M WONDERING WHY I NEED ANY OF YOU LIVING, BREATHING TYPES AROUND.
WE MAY HAVE TROUBLE WITH THE NEW NEIGHBOR.

LARRY, KIDS GROW UP AND LEAVE THEIR PARENTS ONE DAY, AND TYING A BUNGEE CORD TO THEM WON'T CHANGE THAT.
Life have no simple solutions.

LOOK, RAT, I GOT US A NEW
L.E.D. BULB. IT’S SUPPOSED
TO LAST 100,000 HOURS.
SO EVEN IF WE USE IT SIX
HOURS A DAY, IT COULD LAST
FORTY YEARS.
STOMP
STOMP
STOMP
I’M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH
LIGHTBULBS OUTLIVING ME.

HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW PESSIMISTIC EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE ABOUT EVERYTHING LATELY?
THE ECONOMY...VIRUSES...THE ENVIRONMENT...
AND AT THE SAME TIME, PEOPLE SEEM TO BE EATING BETTER AND EXERCISING MORE WHICH RAISES A QUESTION...
IF THE WORLD'S SO BAD, WHY IS EVERYONE TRYING TO LIVE SO LONG?
MORE TIME TO EAT KALE?
SMOKING AT LEAST FEELS CONSISTENT.

NEIGHBOR 'NANCY' HASN'T SPOKEN TO ME IN MONTHS. MAYBE SHE'S OFFENDED BY SOMETHING I DID OR SAID. OR MAYBE SHE'S JUST GETTING BACK AT ME FOR SOMETHING.
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT MAYBE SHE'S GOING THROUGH SOME ISSUES OF HER OWN AND THAT MAYBE THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU?
KABOOM
SOME THOUGHTS ARE JUST TOO MUCH TO HANDLE.

RAT'S WEDNESDAY O' WISDOM
When someone says, "I would have responded sooner to your text but I didn't see it until now," they totally saw it when you first sent it.
NOT EVERYONE LIES LIKE YOU.
With this, they do.

RAT AND I HAVE A REAL PROBLEM RIGHT NOW. WE'VE GOT A PORCH PIRATE.
OHH. THOSE GUYS WHO THINK IT'S PERFECTLY FINE TO STEAL YOUR PACKAGES RIGHT OFF OF YOUR FRONT PORCH?
I JUST STAB PEOPLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO PUT TOGETHER A MENTAL ENERGY CHART. SINCE YOU ONLY HAVE SO MUCH A DAY, YOU TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW YOU'RE USING YOURS.
CAN I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE SO FAR?
SURE.
DAILY MENTAL ENERGY
13% Thinking about Work stuff
4% Thinking about home stuff
83% Worrying about stuff that never happens.
I THINK I SEE A POTENTIAL AREA OF IMPROVEMENT.
I'M TOO WORRIED TO ASK.

YOU EVER WONDER WHO IT IS THAT DECIDES THAT IF YOU SAY CERTAIN WORDS YOU CAN LOSE YOUR JOB AND DISAPPEAR FROM SOCIETY?
I DON'T WONDER.
I KNOW.
IT'S THE...
WORD DECIDER!
AND I'M HOLDING IN MY HAND A LIST OF WORDS AND PHRASES YOU CAN NO LONGER SAY...
"HYSTERICAL," "PADDY WAGON," "ADDICT," "TONE DEAF," "SPIRIT ANIMAL," "LAME," "GRANDFATHERED IN," "LONG TIME NO SEE"...
RAT, DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING A BIT CRAZY?
"CRAZY"? A BANNED TERM?! OFFENSIVE TO CRAZY PEOPLE!
YOU CAN'T SAY "CRAZY PEOPLE"! PREPARE TO BE HOMELESS!
"HOMELESS"? DON'T YOU MEAN "PEOPLE EXPERIENCING HOMELESSNESS"?
AUGHH!!
AUGHH!
MAYBE INSTEAD OF TALKING, I'LL JUST USE SOME SIGNALS.
OH.
MAYBE INSTEAD OF TALKING, I'LL JUST USE SOME SIGNALS.
OH.