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HELLO?
HIYA, GOAT...IT'S ME, PIG, CALLING TO SEE HOW YOUR TRIP TO FRANCE IS GOING.
PIG. IT'S TWO A.M.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT'S SIX O'CLOCK.
FRANCE IS EIGHT HOURS AHEAD.
HOW CAN THAT BE?
WE'RE NOT ON THE SAME TIME. IT'S TOMORROW HERE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
YEAH. NOW THAT YOU EXPLAIN IT I'M NOT STUPID.
I KNOW, PIG. I'M NOT CALLING YOU STUPID.
SO WHAT DOES THE STOCK MARKET DO TOMORROW?
GOAT CAN BE VERY UNPLEASANT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR LAST WORDS WILL BE JUST BEFORE YOU DIE?
'LOOK AT THAT GREAT BRIGHT LIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.'
AWWW... HEAVEN?
THE TRAIN THAT RUNS ME OVER.
I LOVE THESE DEEP DISCUSSIONS.

HEY, GOAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT MY LIFE'S PURPOSE.
IT'S HARDER THAN YOU'D THINK.
YOU WANT MEANING. SIGNIFICANCE. A GOOD LIVING. BUT ALSO A DEDICATION TO IMPROVING THE LIVES OF OTHERS. YOU SHOULD TRY TO DO IT YOURSELF.
Drink beer on beach.
YOU DO LIFE WRONGLY.

To: Rat
Subject: Cups
Hey, Rat. Need to know if you ordered the cups this week.
BOSS IS ON THE PHONE.
CAN THE MAN NOT READ AUTO-REPLIES?

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... ANY PLANS THIS WEEKEND?
GONNA HIKE UP INTO THE MOUNTAINS AND CAMP.
HOW DO YOU PACK FOR THAT?
WELL, WEIGHT IS EVERYTHING, SO YOU HAVE TO PRIORITIZE AND ONLY BRING THE BARE ESSENTIALS.
ICE CREAM, LATTES, AND CHEESE WHEELS?
HIKERS HAVE ODD PRIORITIES.

HEY, STEPH. WHAT HAPPENS TO US CHARACTERS WHEN YOU DIE?
WHEN I DIE, YOU DIE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE OTHER PEOPLE DRAW US, LIKE WITH "FAMILY CIRCUS" AND "B.C."?
NOPE. WHEN I GO, YOU GO.
ALSO, I EAT A LOT OF FRIED FOOD, AND SMOKE TWO PACKS A DAY.
WE HAVE ISSUES.

I INTERRUPT YOUR COFFEE WITH A SOLUTION TO BOOK BANNING. IT'S CALLED, "IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE BOOK, JUST DON'T BUY IT."
IS THE MEGAPHONE NECESSARY?
GENIUS IDEAS NEED MEGAPHONES!

YAAAY!
WOOHOO!
HAHA
HAHA
WHOA. WHAT'S ALL THIS?
LIFE'S POOL O'GOODNESS! JUST HERE ENJOYING THE SUN, OUR FRIENDS, OUR LIVES!
POOL O' GOODNESS
WOW. HAS THIS ALWAYS BEEN HERE?
YEAH! WHY? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
POOL O' TWITTER LAND
THE WHOLE WORLD'S BAD.
LIFE IS ALL ABOUT THE POOL YOU PLAY IN.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
POLITICS.
YOU WANT CHANGE?
YOU BET WE DO. AND WE WANT IT NOW!
IT'S A DOLLAR AND FORTY CENTS.
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS SO CONFUSING.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, DO YOU THINK EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON?
YES.
RANDOM CHANCE.
I WAS HOPING FOR A BETTER REASON.

Structural Engineering Quiz
Define "rebar"
When I hit the same bar twice in one night.
I THINK I'LL QUIT TEACHING, BOB.
THAT BAR'S SOUNDING GOOD.

DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT TO ATTRACT CUSTOMERS WITH A SIGN LIKE THAT?
GREAT STINKIN' ADVICE FOR LOSERS

HI, PIG.
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
I'M CAMPAIGNING FOR YOUR VOTE. IF YOU CHOOSE ME, I PROMISE TO DO MY BEST AND NEVER LET YOU DOWN.
WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FOR?
JUST TO CONTINUE BEING YOUR FRIEND FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.
YOU'RE MY FRIEND NO MATTER WHAT.
FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST THING EVER.

I HAVE SO MUCH GOING ON THIS WEEK. PLUS, MY HEAD HURTS, WORK'S GETTING HARD, AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO RAIN EVERY DAY.
SORRY. YOU'LL HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE ELSE.
WHY IS THAT?
I OBSERVE "NO MOANING MONDAY."
HOW SYMPATHETIC.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE STILL MOANING.

WHERE YOU GOING FOR THE HOLIDAY, ZEBRA?
TO SEE MY DAD.
DO YOU GET ALONG?
PRETTY MUCH. WHAT'S YOUR RELATIONSHIP LIKE WITH YOUR DAD?
WE GET ALONG NOW.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, THERE WERE ALWAYS THE LITTLE JABS AND THE NEGATIVITY, BUT ALL OF THAT'S BEHIND US.
AND AS I'VE GOTTEN OLDER, I NOW SEE MORE OF HIM IN ME, AND THAT HE ALWAYS JUST A PERSON AS SCARED AS ME, DOING THE BEST THAT HE COULD.
DO YOU TELL HIM ALL THIS?
I TRY.
DOES HE LISTEN?
I LIKE TO THINK SO.

HEY, GOAT, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND THERE?
THAT'S PIG. I'LL INTRODUCE YOU.
PIG, DOUG WELLES.
NO, I DIDN'T.
DIDN'T WHAT?
DIG WELLS.
WHAT A STRANGE INTRODUCTION.

WISE-ASS ON THE HILL
OH, WISE ASS... WHAT HAPPENS TO US AFTER WE DIE?
YOU EITHER CEASE TO EXIST LIKE 'CALVIN AND HOBBES'...
OR COME BACK IN VARIOUS FORMS LIKE 'BLOOM COUNTY.'
HE PUT IT IN TERMS WE COULD UNDERSTAND.

Dear Book Editor,
Me have great new book me want to get publeeshed.
But you problee is reject it. So before you get chance, lemme do dis:
Me reject you as editor.
Is best to beat dem to it.

HOW TO NOT GO TO HELL
In the seconds before death, apologize for everything.
BUT WHAT IF YOU GET HIT BY A BUS AND DIE SUDDENLY?
Avoid buses.

RAT, THE BATHROOM SHOWER IS BROKEN, WE HAVE DOZENS OF PAST-DUE BILLS, AND I THINK I LOST THE CAR KEYS.
SORRY. CAN'T HELP YOU.
WHY NOT?
TODAY IS 'PROBLEM AVOIDANCE TUESDAY.'
THIS COULD CATCH ON.

BALLOON TO FLY AWAY FROM ALL YOUR TROUBLES
BALLOON TO FLY AWAY FROM ALL YOUR TROUBLES
BALLOON TO FLY AWAY FROM ALL YOUR TROUBLES
I GOTTA START GETTING HERE EARLIER ON MONDAYS.

HEY, RAT, WHADDAYA WANT?
YOU'VE BEEN A TERRIBLE NEIGHBOR, BOB. YOU'RE LOUD AND RUDE AND BUTT YOUR NOSE INTO EVERYONE'S BUSINESS.
BUT AS THE OLD SAYING GOES, YOU CAN'T CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE.
DARN RIGHT YOU CAN'T.
BUT WHILE YOU CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE, YOU CAN EXCHANGE PEOPLE.
SO, BOB, THIS IS FRED. HE'LL BE LIVING IN YOUR HOUSE INSTEAD OF YOU NOW.
I CAN NOW SOLVE ALL MY PEOPLE PROBLEMS.

NEAL, PIG. I SHOULD LET YOU GO.
NO NEED. I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
"I SHOULD LET YOU GO" IS PHONESE FOR "I'M HANGING UP ON YOUR FACE."
PHONESE IS ITS OWN LANGUAGE.

MY ALLERGIES HAVE SURE BEEN BAD LATELY.
THERE'S APPARENTLY A NEW DRUG FOR THAT.
ARE THERE ANY HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS?
THE PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES SAY NO. AND THEY'D HAVE NO REASON TO LIE TO US.
HAHAHAHAHAH
IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A LAUGH SOMETIMES.

OH, WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO ACHIEVING ONE'S MOST PRECIOUS DREAM?
YOU HAVE TO MANIFEST IT. ENVISION IT HAPPENING AND THEN IT HAPPENS.
THERE'S NO MONEY FALLING FROM THE SKY.
EVERYONE'S A FRAUD.