Pearls Before Swine | Search

OH, WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO ACHIEVING ONE'S MOST PRECIOUS DREAM?
YOU HAVE TO MANIFEST IT. ENVISION IT HAPPENING AND THEN IT HAPPENS.
THERE'S NO MONEY FALLING FROM THE SKY.
EVERYONE'S A FRAUD.

I JUST SPENT TWENTY MINUTES WATCHING THREE YOUTUBE VIDEOS IN ORDER TO LEARN HOW TO GET THE PUMP ON A BOTTLE OF HAND SOAP TO WORK.
ALL BECAUSE THE BOTTLE DOES NOT HAVE INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO DO IT, THOUGH IT DOES HAVE INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO WASH YOUR GERMAPHOBIC HANDS.
THIS PROVES THAT THE WORLD IS AN UNBEARABLE PLACE.
HIS APPLE CART IS EASILY UPSET.
MY APPLE CART'S BEEN TOPPLED FOR YEARS!

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY. HOW ARE YOU?
A BIT STRESSED. I'M HAVING PLASTIC SURGERY TODAY.
WHAT FOR?
WELL, I'M ON MY PHONE SO MUCH I FIGURED I'D JUST GET IT SURGICALLY ATTACHED TO MY HEAD.
REALLY FREES UP YOUR HANDS.
THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.
LOOKS GREAT ON YOU.

ARE YOU FOLLOWING THESE STORIES ABOUT THE DANGERS OF ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE AND THE RISKS IT POSES TO LIFE ON EARTH?
SORRY, CAN'T HANDLE TALKING ABOUT THIS.
WHY NOT?
MY TROUBLE BUBBLE'S SO FULL IT'S ABOUT TO BURST.
A GUY CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH.

WHOA, LOOK AT THAT. A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!.
YEAH, LOOK AT THOSE COLORS.
AND HOW WONDERFULLY IT FLIES!
ISN'T THAT THE LIFE? TO BE THAT BEAUTIFUL AND GRACEFUL. AND FREE TO GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT.
YEAH. DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY THINK ABOUT THAT?
NO... I'D BET THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON IN THEIR HEADS.
WHY ARE YOU SO SLOW, STUPID CATERPILLARS.
THEY'RE JUST SLOW, STUPID CATERPILLARS.
HOW DO THOSE POOR, LUMPY GUYS COPE?

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I WORRY CONSTANTLY ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
YOU NEED TO LET THEM KNOW YOU’RE YOUR OWN PERSON AND DON’T NEED THEIR JUDGMENT.
OF COURSE, THANK YOU!
I WONDER HOW THEY’LL TAKE THAT.

HI, GOAT. THIS IS MY FRIEND, FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT.
WERE YOU NAMED FOR THE FAMOUS ARCHITECT, FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT?
NO, THAT'S NOT MY NAME. I'M LLOYD WRIGHT.
OH. I THOUGHT HE SAID YOU WERE FRANK.
I AM. SO IF YOU DON'T MIND ME SAYING, YOU SEEM EXTRAORDINARILY STUPID.
HE CAN SOMETIMES BE TOO FRANK.

DOCTOR SMITH'S OFFICE.
HI... I NEED TO MAKE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT.
GREAT. AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, WHEN THE DOCTOR ASKS HOW OFTEN YOU FLOSS, YOU'LL BE HOOKED UP TO A LIE DETECTOR. AND IF YOU LIE, WE'LL PUSH YOU OFF THE ROOF.
DENTISTS HAVE TOO MUCH POWER.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT IF YOU DO BAD THINGS, YOU'LL BE JUDGED AFTER YOU DIE AND GO TO HELL?
I DO.
BUT EVERYTHING YOU DO IS BAD.
I PLAN ON PLEADING 'OOPSIES'.
NOT SURE THAT'S A DEFENSE.
OKAY, NOW I'M WORRIED.

WISE-ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS,
OTHER PEOPLE CAUSE
NINETY-NINE
PERCENT OF ALL
THE PROBLEMS
IN MY LIFE.
THEN
SPEND
MORE
TIME
ALONE.
I'D MISS PEOPLE TOO
MUCH.
LIFE IS A REAL
CONUNDRUM.

HEY, RAT, WHAT DO YOU NEED?
HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. I'M GOING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD RAISING MONEY FOR CHARITY.
WHAT'S THE CHARITY?
ME. I'M TIRED OF WORKING FOR A LIVING.
PEOPLE ARE STINGIER THAN YOU'D THINK.

HEY, GOAT, WHAT'S ALL THIS?
IT'S SKIPPY, THE A.I.-POWERED ROBOTIC DOG.
A.I.?
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE. ASK IT IF IT KNOWS HOW TO DANCE TO ANY SONGS.
CAN YOU DANCE TO SOMETHING, SKIPPY?
SURE CAN.
THAT'S AMAZING. BUT WHY'D THEY GO TO ALL THAT TROUBLE JUST TO MAKE AN A.I. DOG THAT DANCES?
SO THAT YOU ASSOCIATE A.I. WITH SOMETHING CUTE, AND NOT WITH THE TERRIFYING MONSTERS OF WAR THAT COME NEXT AND WILL MOST LIKELY TURN ON US.
I SHOULD NEVER LEAVE HOME.

HOW IS IT THAT I SEEM TO GET DUMBER AS I GET OLDER?
BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN SHRINKS A LITTLE EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE UNTIL ONE DAY IT'S THE SIZE OF A WALNUT.
BUT I THINK MINE IS ALREADY THE SIZE OF A WALNUT.
THEN YOURS BECOMES A PISTACHIO.
IT'S NICE TO HAVE THE SCIENCE EXPLAINED.

WISE-ASS
ON THE
HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE GREAT SECRET OF THE UNIVERSE THAT WE ONLY LEARN AFTER WE DIE?
THAT THE MICROPHONE ON YOUR SMARTPHONE WAS ON THE WHOLE TIME.
WE NEED TO START WHISPERING.

She was tall.
She was tall.
- HEIGHTIST
- ANTI-SHORT
- SOMEHOW RACIST
Cancel book contract.
Fire author.
Hit him with paddle.
BEING A SENSITIVITY READER IS MORE FUN THAN I THOUGHT.

I HEARD YOU GOT A JOB
AS A SENSITIVITY READER
FOR A KIDS' BOOK PUBLISHER.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS.
IT'S LIKE A JUDGE AT THE
SALEM WITCH TRIALS MAKING
SURE EVERYONE CONFORMS IN
THOUGHT AND SPEECH, LEST
THEY DISTURB THE REST OF US.
SADLY, WE STOP SHORT OF
BURNING.
HAVE
WE ALL
GONE
CRAZY?
'CRAZY' IS
A BANNED
WORD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING RAT
I GOT A JOB AS A
SENSITIVITY READER. I
HELP PUBLISHERS DETER-
MINE IF ANYTHING IN
THEIR BOOKS COULD BE
OFFENSIVE TO ANYONE.
CAN I SEE
WHAT YOU
HAVE SO
FAR?
SURE.
I'M OFFENDED
THIS BOOK
IS SO BLAND.
I'M REALLY SENSITIVE TO
THAT.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'M WITH A NON-PROFIT GROUP THAT SEEKS TO STRENGTHEN OUR DEMOCRACY, WHICH IS CURRENTLY BEING THREATENED.
OH, I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT THAT.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE IF EVERYTHING GOES WRONG, I'LL JUST GRAB MY EMERGENCY BALLOON AND FLOAT OFF TO CANADA.
CAN THAT HOLD TWO PEOPLE?
GET YOUR OWN BALLOON.

WHO ARE YOU GUYS?
THAT'S MY DRIVER, VIRGINIA, AND OUR DONKEY, HOLMES. HE'S NAMED THAT BECAUSE OF HIS DETECTIVE CAP.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
THE CITY'S MAKING A BIG PUSH TO HAVE MORE GREEN SPACES, SO THEY HIRED US TO COUNT TREE ROADS.
TREE ROADS?
YEAH, ROADS THAT HAVE TREES. THEY'RE MOSTLY IN THE WEST AND TYPICALLY HAVE LONG IVY AROUND THEIR HOOVES.
SO ARE YOU READY, VIRGINIA?
TO DO WHAT?
COUNT TREE ROADS, TAKE ME, HOLMES, TO THE PLACE IVY'S LONG, WEST VIRGINIA.
MOUNTAIN MAMA WOULD LIKE A WORD WITH YOU.

I'VE STARTED READING THE BIBLE A LITTLE BIT EVERY DAY.
DO YOU READ IT IN ANY CERTAIN ORDER?
YEAH. I SEEK OUT THE PARTS THAT LET ME JUDGE OTHERS AND AVOID ANYTHING THAT MAKES ME FEEL BAD.
IS THERE ANOTHER WAY TO READ THE BIBLE?

HI. HAVE YOU DECIDED WHAT YOU WANT?
NOT YET. BUT I HAVE A QUESTION. WHAT IS YOUR CORKAGE FEE?
THIRTY DOLLARS.
GREAT. WILL YOU PUT A CORK IN THAT GUY?
CORKAGE FEES ARE NOT WHAT YOU'D THINK.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHY I HAVEN'T BEEN GETTING ANY CALLS OR TEXTS FROM MY FRIENDS. I HAVE THE 'DO NOT DISTURB' FEATURE ON.
NO, YOU DON'T.
LONELINESS IS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN YOU CAN BLAME IT ON TECHNOLOGY.

LOOK AT THAT PRETTY COPSE OF TREES.
OH, SORRY, PIG... DIDN'T MEAN TO USE FANCY WORDS. DO YOU KNOW 'COPSE'?
YES. I'M NOT STUPID.
BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS,
WHATCHA GONNA DO... WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU...
NOT EVEN CLOSE.
PLEASE. I KNOW THAT SHOW COLD.

You recently asked me if I wanted to turn "Notifications" on.
It was the 3,430th time you have asked me.
I have clicked "NO" 3,430 times.
If you ask me again, I will kick Mark Zuckerberg in the hoohaws.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT PERSONAL.

THANK YOU, SEATTLE, FOR COMING OUT ON HALLOWEEN EVE FOR THIS BOOK SIGNING. AS YOU KNOW, I’VE BEEN ARRESTED TWICE ON THIS BOOK TOUR. I’VE ALSO LOST MY CAR. AND A BOOKSTORE EMPLOYEE WAS KILLED. OTHER THAN THAT, IT’S BEEN A GREAT TOUR.
STEPHAN PASTIS BOOK TOUR
THIRD PLACE BOOKS
YEAH, I JUST WANT TO SAY I’VE BEEN A BIG FAN FOR TWENTY YEARS. I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR WORK.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY —
TRICK OR TREAT!!
I WANT TO GO HOME NOW.
WHO ELSE IS HERE FOR THE DAV PILKEY SIGNING?