Pearls Before Swine | Search

DO YOU THINK THE POOR CONDITION OF OUR CITIES IS PARTLY DUE TO THE FACT THAT THERE ARE VERY FEW REPORTERS STILL COVERING CITY GOVERNMENT?
NO, I THINK GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS WILL ACT HONESTLY AND PRODUCTIVELY EVEN WITHOUT JOURNALISTS KEEPING A CHECK ON THEM.
HAHAHAHAHA
SARCASM KEEPS ME FROM CRYING.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, RAT?
A BIOGRAPHY OF THOMAS JEFFERSON.
HE'S GOTTA BE ONE OF THE MOST BRILLIANT AND ACCOMPLISHED AMERICANS TO EVER LIVE.
I MEAN, HE WAS A FOUNDING FATHER, AN ARCHITECT, A STATESMAN, THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA AND THE PRIMARY AUTHOR OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
AND HE WROTE WHAT IS ARGUABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT LINE IN AMERICAN HISTORY... "WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT... THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL..."
SO HOW COULD THE GUY WHO WROTE THAT THINK IT WAS OKAY TO OWN OTHER HUMANS? :)
BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE COMMITTEE ON AMERICAN HISTORY THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
PROBABLY DIDN'T NEED THE MEGAPHONE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO THINK REALLY DEEP THOUGHTS, BUT IT'S NOT REALLY WORKING.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT'S NOT WORKING?
I JUST GET UP AND STAND OVER HERE.
IF TODAY'S JOKE IS ABOUT "THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX," I WILL THROW YOU DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
YOUR HUMOR IS MAKING PEOPLE VIOLENT.
HE'S REALLY GOT US BOXED IN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WRITING A VALENTINE'S DAY CARD TO THIS GIRL. I THINK WE'D BE PERFECT TOGETHER, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL HER.
JUST TRUST YOUR INSTINCT.
I'm the biscuit. You're my gravy.
MAYBE IGNORE YOUR INSTINCT.
I'm the telephone pole. You're my pigeon.

WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT MOUNTAIN RANGE IN UTAH?
YOU MEAN THE WASATCH MOUNTAINS?
WASATCH, YOU SAY?
I SAID THE NAME OF THE MOUNTAINS...
WASATCH, YOU'RE SAYING?
I'M SAYING THE NAME OF THE STUPID MOUNTAINS!!
THIS COMIC STRIP IS SHORTENING MY LIFE.

SO I GET TO STARBUCK'S THIS MORNING AND THEY GIVE ME A HOT LATTE WHEN I CLEARLY SAID "ICED". EVEN THEIR WiFi KICKS OUT RIGHT AS I'M TRYING TO POST STUFF ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
I WAS BORN IN 1925 IN A HOUSE WITHOUT RUNNING WATER OR ELECTRICITY. THEN MY FAMILY LOST WHAT LITTLE WE HAD IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION. AFTER WHICH I WAS DRAFTED AND HAD TO FIGHT THE NAZIS ON THE BEACHES OF NORMANDY.
PLEASE STOP PUTTING MY LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE.
I'M SORRY. TELL ME AGAIN ABOUT THE LATTE.

IF YOU WERE ALLOWED ONE DO-OVER IN YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
THE ENTIRE THING.
YOU NEED TO BE SLIGHTLY MORE SPECIFIC.
THE MOMENT OF BIRTH TO THE MOMENT RIGHT NOW.

I HAVE AN OPINION, BUT IF I SAY IT, I DON'T WANT YOU TO MAKE FUN OF ME.
I THINK THE KEY TO OUR NATION MOVING FORWARD IS TO START RESPECTING OTHERS' OPINIONS.
GREAT. I THINK THE EARTH IS FLAT.
UNLESS YOUR OPINION IS THAT STUPID, IN WHICH CASE I MUST DECLARE YOU A MORON OF THE FIRST ORDER.
THERE ARE LIMITS.

THE ADVENTURES OF...
SUPERVOLCANO!
IS IT A BIRD? IS IT A PLANE?
IT'S A SUPERVOLCANO!!
GREETINGS! I AM SUPERVOLCANO, ONE OF ABOUT 20 SUCH VOLCANOES ON EARTH.
I'M 1,000 TIMES MORE POWERFUL THAN REGULAR OLD VOLCANOES LIKE MOUNT ST. HELENS IN WASHINGTON...
ME PUNY MT. ST. HELENS.
BUT WHEN JUST ONE OF US ERUPTS, THE EFFECT ON THE PLANET COULD BE CATASTROPHIC.
WE TURN THE SKY RED UNDER YELLOWSTONE IN...
ALL OF WHICH IS WHAT MAKES ME SO DARN SUPER!
UH-OH, I'M FEELING A RUMBLE IN MY TUMMY!
KAA-BOOM
THANKS FOR NOTHING, SUPERVOLCANO.
DON'T MOST SUPERHEROES HELP PEOPLE?
HUSH. I'M WAITING FOR MARVEL TO CALL.

WHATCHA DOING, RAT?
WATCHING THESE VIDEOS ON FACE-BOOK OF PEOPLE FALLING FLAT ON THEIR FACES.
I RARELY LAUGH. I JUST WONDER WHY THE PERSON FILMING IT DOESN'T PUT DOWN THEIR PHONE AND HELP.
HOW DARE HE DIMINISH MY FUN.

I THINK THAT FUTURISTIC-LOOKING CYBERTRUCK MADE BY TESLA IS A PERFECTLY DESIGNED CAR.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHENEVER YOU SEE SOMEONE DRIVING AROUND IN ONE OF THOSE THINGS?
PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD.
AND IN THAT BIG TANK, YOU CAN'T GET TO THEM!
MY GOD, YOU’RE RIGHT.
THEY THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING!

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I LIVE MY LIFE WITH ABUNDANT CAUTION AND FEAR.
WHY IS THAT, MY SON?
BECAUSE DYING IS THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU.
NOT TRUE.
WHAT'S WORSE?
NOT LIVING.
I'VE WASTED A LOTTA YEARS.

YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU CRITICIZE OTHERS BECAUSE ODDS ARE THERE ARE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF...
IS THAT DIRECTED AT ME?
YEAH, BUT ALSO TO EVERYONE ELSE, REALLY.
WHY YOU ARROGANT, OPINIONATED, OVERBEARING, HOT-HEADED, LITTLE WANNA-BE DICTATOR. I SHOULD PUMMEL YOU FOR EVEN SUGGESTING THAT.
THAT GUY NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP.

I WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE AND GOT ALL THE NUTS YOU WANTED.
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T GET THE SMALL ONES. THEY'RE A RIP-OFF.
NOPE... I ONLY GOT THE BIG ONES.
YOU GOT BIG NUTS! YOU GOT BIG NUTS!
COMIC STRIP OVER.
NUTS.
ENOUGH!

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... I HEAR YOU INHERITED A BUNCH OF MONEY AND NO LONGER HAVE TO WORK.
YEP, IT'S TRUE. IF LIFE IS A CAR, MINE IS NOW ON CRUISE CONTROL.
IF MINE IS A CAR, IT HAS FOUR FLAT TIRES AND AN ENGINE ON FIRE.
MAYBE YOU'RE NOT THE GUY TO TALK TO.
AND THE STEERING COLUMN BROKE AND IT'S ROLLING OFF A CLIFF.

IN THE OLD DAYS, IT WAS SO EASY TO FORM AN ANGRY MOB.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE MOST OF US LIVED IN SMALL TOWNS AND VILLAGES, SO WE ALL KNEW EVERYONE.
AND IF SOME GUY DID SOMETHING WRONG OR SOMETHING YOU JUST DIDN'T LIKE, YOU COULD EASILY GATHER ALL THOSE PEOPLE AND PUBLICLY HUMILIATE HIM OR EVEN WORSE.
BUT THEN, SADLY, MOST OF US MOVED ON TO LARGE CITIES WHERE WE WERE LOST IN A SEA OF PEOPLE. AND HOW CAN YOU RILE UP COMPLETE STRANGERS THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW?
BUT NOW WE HAVE SOCIAL MEDIA AND THE MOB IS BACK!
IT'S A GIFT FROM GOD.
MAYBE NOT FROM GOD.
MOB VENGEANCE IS BACK! AHHH, SWEET VENGEANCE, BABY!

I THINK MY DATE TONIGHT WENT WELL. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE A MORE INTERESTING AND CHARISMATIC SPEAKER AROUND WOMEN.
OH YEAH? WHAT DID YOU TELL HER THAT WAS INTERESTING AND CHARISMATIC?
THAT THE TERM 'STATION WAGON' COMES FROM THE FACT THAT THOSE CARS WERE ORIGINALLY DESIGNED TO TAKE PEOPLE AND THEIR LUGGAGE TO AND FROM THE TRAIN STATION.
THAT MUST HAVE PUT HER RIGHT OVER THE EDGE.
OF DECIDING SHE LIKES ME?
THE OTHER EDGE.

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY... WE'VE GOT ALL OF SATURDAY AND SUNDAY AHEAD OF US.
WE'VE GOT EVERY DAY AHEAD OF US. WE HAVE NO JOBS, NO SKILLS, AND NO PROSPECTS.
WE'VE REALLY FIGURED OUT LIFE.

HI, NEIGHBOR BOB... I'M HERE FOR THE BIG PARTY.
THANKS, PIG... BUT I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY THAT IT WAS FROM 2 TO 5.
YOU DID!
AND RIGHT NOW IT'S 4:59.
I KNOW!
A 'LAST MINUTE INVITE' IS NOT WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE.

I'M STEPHAN PASTIS! LOOK HOW GREAT I AM! LOOK HOW GREAT I AM!
I'M STEPHAN PASTIS! LOOK HOW GREAT I AM! LOOK HOW GREAT I AM!
WHO THE @#$% IS STEPHAN PASTIS?
I LOVE REED ALREADY.
I DON'T EVEN GET WHY IT'S FUNNY
IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE IT'S TRUE!

YOU KNOW, RAT, DRINKING LIKE YOU DO CAN HAVE LONG-TERM EFFECTS ON YOUR MEMORY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IT MEANS YOU CAN START TO FORGET WHOLE CHUNKS OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU SHOULDN'T ENCOURAGE ME LIKE THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TEACHING BABIES TO BURN TRASH.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT HELPS CLEAN UP ALL THE LITTER AROUND TOWN AND IT DOESN'T END UP IN LANDFILLS.
FOR INSTANCE, I FOUND THESE CONCERT FLYERS FOR A DOORS TRIBUTE BAND SCATTERED ALL OVER TOWN, SO BABY HERE IS GONNA BURN THEM.
NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER.
YES, IT DOES. HERE, WATCH THE PROCESS IN ACTION.
C'MON, BABY, LIGHT MY FIRE.
THIS IS THE END, YOUR ONLY FRIEND, THE END.

... I DON'T THINK IT'LL WORK FOR OUTPATIENT STUFF, BUT FOR ALL INTENSIVE PURPOSES...
UGGH... SORRY, BUT THAT'S A REAL PET PEEVE. IT'S NOT "INTENSIVE." IT'S "INTENTS AND PURPOSES."
ANYHOW, I HEAR YOUR COUSIN'S SICK IN THE HOSPITAL. WHAT SECTION IS HE IN?
INTENTS AND CARE.
MAYBE I'LL JUST GIVE UP.
I'LL TELL THE HOSPITAL TO CHANGE ITS SIGNS.

I GOT A SUNBURN ON A ELBOW AS I WAS DRIVING WHILE SIPPING A ICED TEA AND EATING A APPLE.
PIG, WHEN A WORD STARTS WITH A VOWEL, YOU USE 'AN' IN FRONT OF IT. ANYHOW, WHERE WERE YOU HEADED?
TO AN UTAH JAZZ GAME.
IT'S SAD WHEN GRAMMAR DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE TO ME.
I HAD A INKLING YOU'D SAY THAT.

Self-Improvement Goals for the Year:
Goal 1: Make all the idiots in the world self-improve.
FINGERS CROSSED.