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OH, GREAT WISE ASS, DO YOU THINK EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON?
YES.
RANDOM CHANCE.
I WAS HOPING FOR A BETTER REASON.

Structural Engineering Quiz
Define "rebar"
When I hit the same bar twice in one night.
I THINK I'LL QUIT TEACHING, BOB.
THAT BAR'S SOUNDING GOOD.

DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT TO ATTRACT CUSTOMERS WITH A SIGN LIKE THAT?
GREAT STINKIN' ADVICE FOR LOSERS

HI, PIG.
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
I'M CAMPAIGNING FOR YOUR VOTE. IF YOU CHOOSE ME, I PROMISE TO DO MY BEST AND NEVER LET YOU DOWN.
WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FOR?
JUST TO CONTINUE BEING YOUR FRIEND FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.
YOU'RE MY FRIEND NO MATTER WHAT.
FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST THING EVER.

I HAVE SO MUCH GOING ON THIS WEEK. PLUS, MY HEAD HURTS, WORK'S GETTING HARD, AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO RAIN EVERY DAY.
SORRY. YOU'LL HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE ELSE.
WHY IS THAT?
I OBSERVE "NO MOANING MONDAY."
HOW SYMPATHETIC.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE STILL MOANING.

WHERE YOU GOING FOR THE HOLIDAY, ZEBRA?
TO SEE MY DAD.
DO YOU GET ALONG?
PRETTY MUCH. WHAT'S YOUR RELATIONSHIP LIKE WITH YOUR DAD?
WE GET ALONG NOW.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, THERE WERE ALWAYS THE LITTLE JABS AND THE NEGATIVITY, BUT ALL OF THAT'S BEHIND US.
AND AS I'VE GOTTEN OLDER, I NOW SEE MORE OF HIM IN ME, AND THAT HE ALWAYS JUST A PERSON AS SCARED AS ME, DOING THE BEST THAT HE COULD.
DO YOU TELL HIM ALL THIS?
I TRY.
DOES HE LISTEN?
I LIKE TO THINK SO.

HEY, GOAT, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND THERE?
THAT'S PIG. I'LL INTRODUCE YOU.
PIG, DOUG WELLES.
NO, I DIDN'T.
DIDN'T WHAT?
DIG WELLS.
WHAT A STRANGE INTRODUCTION.

WISE-ASS ON THE HILL
OH, WISE ASS... WHAT HAPPENS TO US AFTER WE DIE?
YOU EITHER CEASE TO EXIST LIKE 'CALVIN AND HOBBES'...
OR COME BACK IN VARIOUS FORMS LIKE 'BLOOM COUNTY.'
HE PUT IT IN TERMS WE COULD UNDERSTAND.

Dear Book Editor,
Me have great new book me want to get publeeshed.
But you problee is reject it. So before you get chance, lemme do dis:
Me reject you as editor.
Is best to beat dem to it.

HOW TO NOT GO TO HELL
In the seconds before death, apologize for everything.
BUT WHAT IF YOU GET HIT BY A BUS AND DIE SUDDENLY?
Avoid buses.

RAT, THE BATHROOM SHOWER IS BROKEN, WE HAVE DOZENS OF PAST-DUE BILLS, AND I THINK I LOST THE CAR KEYS.
SORRY. CAN'T HELP YOU.
WHY NOT?
TODAY IS 'PROBLEM AVOIDANCE TUESDAY.'
THIS COULD CATCH ON.

BALLOON TO FLY AWAY FROM ALL YOUR TROUBLES
BALLOON TO FLY AWAY FROM ALL YOUR TROUBLES
BALLOON TO FLY AWAY FROM ALL YOUR TROUBLES
I GOTTA START GETTING HERE EARLIER ON MONDAYS.

HEY, RAT, WHADDAYA WANT?
YOU'VE BEEN A TERRIBLE NEIGHBOR, BOB. YOU'RE LOUD AND RUDE AND BUTT YOUR NOSE INTO EVERYONE'S BUSINESS.
BUT AS THE OLD SAYING GOES, YOU CAN'T CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE.
DARN RIGHT YOU CAN'T.
BUT WHILE YOU CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE, YOU CAN EXCHANGE PEOPLE.
SO, BOB, THIS IS FRED. HE'LL BE LIVING IN YOUR HOUSE INSTEAD OF YOU NOW.
I CAN NOW SOLVE ALL MY PEOPLE PROBLEMS.

NEAL, PIG. I SHOULD LET YOU GO.
NO NEED. I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
"I SHOULD LET YOU GO" IS PHONESE FOR "I'M HANGING UP ON YOUR FACE."
PHONESE IS ITS OWN LANGUAGE.

MY ALLERGIES HAVE SURE BEEN BAD LATELY.
THERE'S APPARENTLY A NEW DRUG FOR THAT.
ARE THERE ANY HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS?
THE PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES SAY NO. AND THEY'D HAVE NO REASON TO LIE TO US.
HAHAHAHAHAH
IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A LAUGH SOMETIMES.

OH, WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO ACHIEVING ONE'S MOST PRECIOUS DREAM?
YOU HAVE TO MANIFEST IT. ENVISION IT HAPPENING AND THEN IT HAPPENS.
THERE'S NO MONEY FALLING FROM THE SKY.
EVERYONE'S A FRAUD.

I JUST SPENT TWENTY MINUTES WATCHING THREE YOUTUBE VIDEOS IN ORDER TO LEARN HOW TO GET THE PUMP ON A BOTTLE OF HAND SOAP TO WORK.
ALL BECAUSE THE BOTTLE DOES NOT HAVE INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO DO IT, THOUGH IT DOES HAVE INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO WASH YOUR GERMAPHOBIC HANDS.
THIS PROVES THAT THE WORLD IS AN UNBEARABLE PLACE.
HIS APPLE CART IS EASILY UPSET.
MY APPLE CART'S BEEN TOPPLED FOR YEARS!

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY. HOW ARE YOU?
A BIT STRESSED. I'M HAVING PLASTIC SURGERY TODAY.
WHAT FOR?
WELL, I'M ON MY PHONE SO MUCH I FIGURED I'D JUST GET IT SURGICALLY ATTACHED TO MY HEAD.
REALLY FREES UP YOUR HANDS.
THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.
LOOKS GREAT ON YOU.

ARE YOU FOLLOWING THESE STORIES ABOUT THE DANGERS OF ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE AND THE RISKS IT POSES TO LIFE ON EARTH?
SORRY, CAN'T HANDLE TALKING ABOUT THIS.
WHY NOT?
MY TROUBLE BUBBLE'S SO FULL IT'S ABOUT TO BURST.
A GUY CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH.

WHOA, LOOK AT THAT. A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!.
YEAH, LOOK AT THOSE COLORS.
AND HOW WONDERFULLY IT FLIES!
ISN'T THAT THE LIFE? TO BE THAT BEAUTIFUL AND GRACEFUL. AND FREE TO GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT.
YEAH. DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY THINK ABOUT THAT?
NO... I'D BET THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON IN THEIR HEADS.
WHY ARE YOU SO SLOW, STUPID CATERPILLARS.
THEY'RE JUST SLOW, STUPID CATERPILLARS.
HOW DO THOSE POOR, LUMPY GUYS COPE?

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I WORRY CONSTANTLY ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
YOU NEED TO LET THEM KNOW YOU’RE YOUR OWN PERSON AND DON’T NEED THEIR JUDGMENT.
OF COURSE, THANK YOU!
I WONDER HOW THEY’LL TAKE THAT.

HI, GOAT. THIS IS MY FRIEND, FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT.
WERE YOU NAMED FOR THE FAMOUS ARCHITECT, FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT?
NO, THAT'S NOT MY NAME. I'M LLOYD WRIGHT.
OH. I THOUGHT HE SAID YOU WERE FRANK.
I AM. SO IF YOU DON'T MIND ME SAYING, YOU SEEM EXTRAORDINARILY STUPID.
HE CAN SOMETIMES BE TOO FRANK.

DOCTOR SMITH'S OFFICE.
HI... I NEED TO MAKE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT.
GREAT. AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, WHEN THE DOCTOR ASKS HOW OFTEN YOU FLOSS, YOU'LL BE HOOKED UP TO A LIE DETECTOR. AND IF YOU LIE, WE'LL PUSH YOU OFF THE ROOF.
DENTISTS HAVE TOO MUCH POWER.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT IF YOU DO BAD THINGS, YOU'LL BE JUDGED AFTER YOU DIE AND GO TO HELL?
I DO.
BUT EVERYTHING YOU DO IS BAD.
I PLAN ON PLEADING 'OOPSIES'.
NOT SURE THAT'S A DEFENSE.
OKAY, NOW I'M WORRIED.

WISE-ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS,
OTHER PEOPLE CAUSE
NINETY-NINE
PERCENT OF ALL
THE PROBLEMS
IN MY LIFE.
THEN
SPEND
MORE
TIME
ALONE.
I'D MISS PEOPLE TOO
MUCH.
LIFE IS A REAL
CONUNDRUM.