Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, STEPH. I THOUGHT I'D MAKE YOU FEEL A LITTLE BIT BETTER TODAY, SO I WENT OUT AND FOUND YOUR BIGGEST FAN.
THAT'S GREAT. IT'S TOUGH TO BE AN ARTIST SOMETIMES, AND SOMETHING LIKE THAT CAN BE A REAL EGO BOOST.
YOU'RE NOT HELPFUL.

HEY, GOAT. I HEAR YOU GOT A JOB AS A REAL ESTATE AGENT.
YEP. I'M TRYING TO SELL THIS HOUSE.
THAT'S GREAT. HEY, WHICH BEDROOM ARE WE IN NOW?
THE MASTER.
BANNED TERM. YOU'RE CANCELED.
WORD ENFORCEMENT IS AN EXHILARATING HOBBY.

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE THREE TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE KILLED BY SOMEONE YOU KNOW THAN BY A TOTAL STRANGER?
IS THAT TRUE?
YEAH. WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
I CHOOSE FRIENDS POORLY.
I'M GOING BACK TO READING NOW.
I'LL BE SPENDING MORE TIME WITH STRANGERS.

The Adventures of ACHIEVEMENT MAN!!
A new day is ahead of me! I can achieve anything!
GRRR!!
Defeated again.
ACHIEVEMENT MAN NEVER STANDS A CHANCE.

KNOCK KNOCK
DID SOMEONE KNOCK?
YES, IT'S US.
WHO'S 'US'?
EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER LOST IN YOUR LIFE. YOU GET ONE LAST CHANCE TO TALK TO US.
...AND HE GREW UP AND NOW REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF YOU AND...AND...AND...
SOMETIMES IT'S BEST NOT TO WAKE THE DREAMERS.

I WANT TO TALK TO THAT GIRL. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
T ALWAYS USED TO OPEN UP CONVERSATIONS BY JUST ASKING WHAT TIME IT IS.
EXCUSE ME, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
WHY DON'T YOU LOOK AT YOUR (EXPLETIVE) PHONE?
TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS TO YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS WHEN YOU DIE?
I THINK THEY GET FROZEN IN PLACE FOREVERMORE AS OF YOUR LAST POST.
MY LAST POST IS, "I LIKE ROUND BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE."
HOW CLASSY.
I EXPECTED MORE OF MY EPITAPH.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I FELL GETTING OUT OF THE SHOWER. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED.

IS THIS WHAT GETTING OLD IS ALL ABOUT? DUMBER AND DUMBER INJURIES SUSTAINED WHILE DOING THINGS THAT YOU NEVER GOT HURT DOING BEFORE? IT'S TERRIBLE. I DON'T WANNA GET OLD.

I NOW THINK GETTING OLD IS QUITE NICE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
CAN'T SLEEP. I'M JUST WORRYING ABOUT THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
THAT'S SILLY, RAT. NINETY PERCENT OF OUR WORRIES NEVER EVEN COME TRUE.
IS THAT REALLY THE CASE?
YEP. SO KEEP THAT IN MIND WHENEVER YOU GET LIKE THIS.
OKAY.
TEN PERCENT OF MY WORRIES COME TRUE. TEN PERCENT OF MY WORRIES COME TRUE. TEN...

DID YOU KNOW THAT A TINY PERCENTAGE OF THE POPULATION IS BORN WITH RED PUPILS?
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
YEAH, A DOCTOR FRIEND OF MINE HAS A SPECIMEN FROM A CADAVER AND IS FLYING TO FLORIDA TO HAVE IT STUDIED.
IS HE TAKING THE RED EYE?
I WISH I COULD UNSEE THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
THINKING ABOUT STANDING ON MY HEAD ON THE FRONT LAWN.
WHY AREN'T YOU DOING IT?
THE NEIGHBORS WILL SEE ME AND THEY'LL SAY I'M NOT NORMAL.
NORMAL IS AN IMAGINARY LASSO THROWN AROUND YOU BY OTHERS. ONCE YOU REALIZE IT'S NOT THERE, THE WORLD IS YOURS.

WHERE YOU GOING, PIG?
TO A POLITICIAN’S RALLY. I’M TAKING MY MAGIC TRANSLATION BOX.
HE DOESN’T SPEAK ENGLISH?
HE SPEAKS POLITICIANISH. THIS TRANSLATES IT INTO THE TRUTH. COME SEE.
IF YOU SEND ME TO WASHINGTON, I’LL CLEAN UP THIS CORRUPT SYSTEM AND FIGHT FOR YOU HARD-WORKING AMERICANS, GOD BLESS YOU!
I AM GIVEN MILLIONS OF DOLLARS BY THE RICH AND THE POWERFUL TO KEEP THIS RIGGED SYSTEM EXACTLY AS IT IS UNTIL YOU CHANGE THAT, NONE OF THIS WILL EVER CHANGE, AND WE’LL KEEP HOPING YOU’RE TOO DISTRACTED TO NOTICE.
WE’RE GONNA NEED A WORD WITH YOU.
THIS IS TOO MUCH TRUTH FOR ONE COMIC STRIP. PREPARE TO BE DISAPPEARED.
I DON’T KNOW HIM.

MY LIFE FEELS SO DIRECTIONLESS LATELY... AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
YOU CAN ALWAYS ASK THE MAN UPSTAIRS.
GOD?
SMART GUY WHO LIVES IN THE APARTMENT ABOVE US.
AND I'D PREFER NOT TO TALK RELIGION.
I'D PREFER NOT TO TALK.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THE LIFE I'VE HAD?
THE GOOD PARTS OR THE BAD PARTS?
THE BAD PARTS. THE GOOD PARTS I EARNED.
HE WAS TOO SPEECHLESS TO ANSWER.

WHAT IT TAKES FOR YOU TO GET INJURED AT VARIOUS PHASES OF YOUR LIFE...
AGE 20
I fell off the roof and got hit by a car.
AGE 40
I slipped on the grass and fell.
AGE 60
I opened the peanut butter jar wrong.
LIFE IS CRUEL.
I FEAR 80.

HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'D LIKE YOUR NEW PHONE. AT $1000, IT'S A LITTLE PRICEY FOR ME, BUT I THINK I CAN JUST AFFORD IT.
GREAT. WILL YOU BE NEEDING ANYTHING ELSE?
I DON'T THINK SO. I ALREADY HAVE CHARGERS AND HEADPHONES.
NOPE! WE'VE CHANGED ALL THE PORTS! SO FORK OVER $200 MORE, YOU SUCKER!
THEY TAKE FAR TOO MUCH JOY IN THAT.

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING, NEIGHBOR BOB?
I MAKE SCENTS.
THEY PAY YOU FOR JUST MAKING SCENTS?
WELL, THEY DON’T PAY ME FOR NON-SCENTS.
NO ONE WANTS NONSENSE. JUST COMMON SENSE.
THEY DON’T WANT COMMON SCENTS.
NEIGHBOR BOB MAKES NO SENSE.
YOU MAKE NO SCENTS.

I hear you got angry at your boss and quit your job today.
Yep.
By my count, that's the tenth job in a row where you've said you had a terrible boss and quit. Does that tell you anything?
There are a lot of terrible bosses.
I see.
Shouldn't that part be obvious?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, RAT?
I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON. AND I'M HAVING A BAD DAY.
HANG ON. I HAVE JUST WHAT YOU NEED.
WHAT IS IT?
I'LL SHOW YOU. SEE, I FINALLY REALIZED THAT HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE. AND WHILE YOU CAN'T ALWAYS CHOOSE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU, YOU CAN CHOOSE HOW YOU RESPOND.
SO GO AHEAD...CHOOSE!
I choose happiness! I'll remain miserable!
CRACK
choose I'm
to happiness! miserable!
remain
NEVER TAUNT A NON-MORNING PERSON.

WHY DO PEOPLE SAY "REST HIS SOUL" WHEN SOMEONE DIES?
ALL THE PERSON'S DOING IS LYING THERE DEAD. WHAT DO THEY NEED REST FROM?
I NEED REST FROM YOU.
WISH ME ADVENTURE WHEN I'M DEAD!

WHAT'S WRONG?
GOAT SAYS THERE'S A MAN-EATING OCTOPUS!
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS A VERY IMPRECISE THING.

HEY, GOAT, I HEAR YOU'RE A LITTLE DOWN, SO I'M THE CHEER-UP SQUAD, HERE TO LIFT YOUR SPIRITS.
THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, RAT. SOMETIMES SOME QUALITY TIME WITH A FRIEND WHO SHOWS SOME COMPASSION AND UNDERSTANDING IS ALL WE REALLY NEED.
I'M JUST BRINGING YOU BOOZE.
I DON'T THINK DRINKING'S THE ANSWER.
THEN YOU'RE ASKING ALL THE WRONG QUESTIONS.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING IN YOUR LOCKED LIQUOR CABINET?
I HAVE PASTIS.
OH, GREAT, THE FRENCH LIQUEUR?
NOT EXACTLY.
I'LL LET HIM OUT WHEN HE STOPS WITH THE PUNS.
I'LL NEVER STOP!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I'M AFRAID OF GHOSTS SO I CAN'T SLEEP, AND NOW I'M JUST LYING HERE.
WELL, THAT'S A DUMB THING TO DO.
WHAT SHOULD I DO INSTEAD?
FEAR THE LIVING.
THIS COULD BE A LONG NIGHT.

HEY, HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER AND SIT WITH ME?
PIG, WE DON'T TALK LIKE THAT ANYMORE. IT'S VERY SEXIST.
I LOATHE THIS COMIC STRIP.