Pearls Before Swine | Search

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME DOING SPEED DATING.
ME TOO. SO TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.
WELL, IF A CAR AHEAD OF ME FAILS TO GO THE SECOND THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN, I HONK.
I HONK AND MAKE AN OBSCENE GESTURE!
MARRY ME!!
IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

BALLOON TO FLY AWAY FROM ALL YOUR TROUBLES
BALLOON TO FLY AWAY FROM ALL YOUR TROUBLES
AND A DRINK TO FORGET THEM
LIFE JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS. I'M CONSTANTLY DEPRESSED BY THE NEWS OF THE WORLD.
IS THAT SO?
YES, BUT THEN I THINK — PRIOR GENERATIONS HAD THE NEWS. BUT THEY WERE TOUGH AND THEY GOT THROUGH IT.
PRIOR GENERATIONS GOT ONE HALF HOUR OF NEWS A DAY.
THOSE WUSSIES HAD IT EASY.

HI. I JUST WANT TO GET THIS MELON.
SORRY. WE CAN'T JUST SELL YOU A MELON.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
LIKE STREAMING SERVICES AND SOFTWARE AND MUSIC, MELONS ARE NOW ONLY OFFERED ON A MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION BASIS.
THIS TREND IS OUT OF CONTROL.
WHEN DID WE SUBSCRIBE TO PIZZA?

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A THERAPIST?
NO.
WHY NOT?
I DON'T NEED ONE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN A THERAPIST.
MY LOGIC IS IMPECCABLE.
PERHAPS YOU'RE BEYOND HELP.

EVER HAVE SO MANY BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU IN A ROW THAT YOU THINK, "WELL, I GUESS THIS MUST ALL BE PART OF GOD'S PLAN"?
FOR SURE. IN FACT, I JUST SO HAPPENED TO GET MY HANDS ON HIS PLAN FOR YOU...
Mess up Pig's life badly.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

MARK MY WORDS! I WILL SUE YOU!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
THAT COLLEGE DEAN TRIED TO RIP ME OFF ON NEW YEAR'S EVE!!
WHERE IS HE?
HE'S THAT SLY, RICH-LOOKING GUY TRYING TO JIMMY HIS WAY INTO THAT OLIVE CAR WITH THE VIOLET INTERIOR.
SHOULD WE GIVE YOU A HAND?
I HOPE NOT. THAT DUSTY OLD CAR IS GONNA PETER OUT.
HAS HE THE PERSON WHO DREW THAT ROSE AND SAID IT WAS ART ?
YEAH. WANTED TO CHARGE ME A BUCK FOR IT. I SAID, "I'LL GIVE YOU A DOLLAR TO DRAW A ONE-CENT STAMP." HE WOULDN'T GIVE YOU A PENNY FOR IT. THAT'S WHEN HE TRIED TO PEG ME WITH THE HARVARDIAN PUTTY.
YOU CAN SUE EVERYBODY YOU CAN'T SUE BOB YOU BOB!
AND THEN?
MISSED ME BY JUST A TAD SO I WRAP HIM UP, HIT HIM WITH A CAR JACK.
BOB HAD TO BE 30 WHAT?
DON'T LEND TWO HANDS. HE MIGHT TRY TO TAP-WIRE WITH A FORK OR PIERCY YOU WITH A KIFE. OR NICK YOU WITH A ROD.
CARTOON BOY DID 39 FIRST NAMES.
FORTY!
YOU DESERVE

HEY, FATHER GUS, WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET INTO HEAVEN AND FIND IT TO BE REALLY BORING?
CAN YOU GET A WEEKEND FURLOUGH TO HAVE A BLUES-FILLED BENDER IN A DIVE BAR THAT HAS TWO-DOLLAR CHILI DOGS?
I DON'T THINK THAT'S PART OF GOD'S PLAN.
NOW I KNOW WHY PEOPLE SIN.

NEIGHBOR BOB, IS IT TRUE YOU WORK FOR TWITTER?
WELL, I'M NOW AN X EMPLOYEE.
OH. I'M SORRY YOU NO LONGER HAVE A JOB.
I HAVE A JOB.
SO YOU'RE NOT AN EX-EMPLOYEE.
I AM.
NEIGHBOR BOB IS A FEW LETTERS SHORT OF A KEYBOARD.

WELCOME EVERYONE. BEFORE WE START OUR COURSE, I THOUGHT I'D ASK FOR SOME OF YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE BEST WAYS TO SETTLE CONFLICTS.
OPEN AND HONEST DIALOGUE.
A COOLING-OFF PERIOD.
USE OF A NEUTRAL THIRD PARTY.
BEAT THEM WITH A STICK.
SOME COURSES I JUST SHOULDN'T TAKE.

NEIGHBOR BOB, YOU AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN ON THE BEST TERMS. SO HOW ABOUT YOU BE MY CHUM INSTEAD?
DO YOU MEAN THE STUFF YOU THROW INTO THE OCEAN TO ATTRACT SHARKS?
YES.
NEIGHBOR BOB IS SMARTER THAN HE LOOKS.

FORGIVE ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.
FORGET ABOUT IT, RAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WE'VE ADDED IT ALL UP, AND YOU'VE JUST SINNED TOO MANY TIMES.
SO WHAT DO I DO?
TRY NOT TO DIE.
I HAVE MY WORK CUT OUT FOR ME.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, GOAT?
MY PLAN FOR THE DAY...
BUILD DESK. LEARN MORE FRENCH/COOKING. FINISH HISTORY OF ART BOOK. WRITE SHORT STORY.
I DO THOSE DAILY LISTS, TOO.
LET'S SEE.
Just get through today.
I'M HOPING I CAN PULL IT OFF.

DID YOU READ ABOUT THIS NEW PROBLEM OUR COUNTRY IS FACING? WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO MAKE REAL CHANGES TO HEAD OFF DISASTER.
HOW WE DO THINGS HERE…
IGNORE PROBLEM.
LET DISASTER OCCUR.
PAY 100 TIMES WHAT WE COULD HAVE PAID TO AVERT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
THERE HAS TO BE ANOTHER WAY.
CLEARLY YOU’VE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK.

HEY, HAVE YOU POSTED YOUR STRIP ON INSTAGRAM OR TWITTER TODAY?
NOPE. HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE.
THEN LET ME CHECK THE NEWS.
WOW. SOMEHOW HUMANITY CARRIED ON.
I WISH HE WOULDN'T DO THAT.

I HEAR YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE EX.
YEAH, THINGS AREN'T THE SAME. NOTHING SEEMS TO BE WORKING ANYMORE. I'M THINKING ABOUT STOPPING ALL INTERACTION.
I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHO THIS EX IS.
USED TO BE CALLED TWITTER.
OH, THAT X.
I JUST WANT TO BE GIVEN THE BIRD AGAIN.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. I SAW YOUR POST ON FACEBOOK ABOUT TAKING A BREAK FROM SOCIAL MEDIA.
YEP. NEEDED A REST.
YEAH. THAT POST MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.
IT DOES.
SORTA LIKE RENOUNCING SUGAR WHILE SHOVING A DONUT IN YOUR MOUTH.
I NEED A REST FROM YOU.
ANOTHER WAY TO TAKE A BREAK FROM SOCIAL MEDIA IS TO NOT POST ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

LARRY, I’M LEAVING YOU.
Leaving me? For who?
NOBODY. I’VE JUST HAD IT WITH YOU AND YOUR LAZINESS.
HA! Larry not believe dat! Who you is leave me for?
FINE. I’M LEAVING YOU FOR THIS LAMP. IT SERVES A PURPOSE AND DOESN’T ANNOY ME.
Me gonna miss dat lamp.

I FINALLY MET OUR NEW NEIGHBOR.
I'D WATCH OUT FOR THAT GUY. HE CAN BE A REAL JERK.
YOU'VE MET HIM?
NO.
IT'S JUST A GOOD RULE FOR ANYONE YOU EVER MEET.
I PREFER TO SEE THE GOOD SIDE OF PEOPLE.
PREPARE FOR DISAPPOINTMENT!!!

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I'M SAD AND UNMOTIVATED. CAN YOU HELP ME TO IMPROVE MY LIFE?
YES, NEU, MY FIRST QUESTION IS WHETHER YOU HAVE ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE THAT BRINGS YOU GREAT JOY?
THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
I'M BEYOND HELP.

I HAVE SOME GROUND PEPPER FOR YOUR SALAD JUST SAY WHEN.
When.
WHEN.
I HAVEN'T STARTED.
You said to say when.
SAY WHEN WHEN YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.
OF?
THE PEPPER.
I STILL HAVEN'T STARTED.
No, when should I say when?
WHEN IT'S THE RIGHT AMOUNT.
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
You're the chef!
CAN YOU JUST ANSWER THE GOSH FREAKIN' QUESTION??
I WAS NOT EXPECTING A POP QUIZ!!
AAARGH!
WHEN! WHEN! WHEN!
CRICK CRICK CRACK
WE SHOULDN'T TAKE HIM TO NICE RESTAURANTS.
I WON'T BE HAVING WHAT PIG'S HAVING.

HOTEL FRONT DESK.
YEAH, I JUST WOKE UP FROM A NAP. THE WHOLE ROOM IS DARK. I MANAGED TO FIND A LIGHT SWITCH, BUT NOTHING HAPPENED.
YEAH, THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR CARD KEY IN THE LITTLE SLOT MARKED 'MASTER' BY THE ROOM DOOR.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND MY CARD AND THE CARD SLOT IN A DARK ROOM?
BY FIRST BUMPING INTO A WHOLE BUNCH OF $@#*.
ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME.
GOD BLESS THAT HOTEL CLERK.

INFIDELS ON THE HILL
Hey, big Wise Ass...Me is fierce predator dat have to provide for family. Whuh best prey me capable of catching?
TOFU.
Wonder how many legs dat have.

HEY, STEPH. I THOUGHT I'D MAKE YOU FEEL A LITTLE BIT BETTER TODAY, SO I WENT OUT AND FOUND YOUR BIGGEST FAN.
THAT'S GREAT. IT'S TOUGH TO BE AN ARTIST SOMETIMES, AND SOMETHING LIKE THAT CAN BE A REAL EGO BOOST.
YOU'RE NOT HELPFUL.

HEY, GOAT. I HEAR YOU GOT A JOB AS A REAL ESTATE AGENT.
YEP. I'M TRYING TO SELL THIS HOUSE.
THAT'S GREAT. HEY, WHICH BEDROOM ARE WE IN NOW?
THE MASTER.
BANNED TERM. YOU'RE CANCELED.
WORD ENFORCEMENT IS AN EXHILARATING HOBBY.