Pearls Before Swine | Search

I can't believe I ate Garfield. That's bad, isn't it?
Yeah. Jim Davis is gonna be pretty upset. You should go to him and apologize.
Isn't he, like, the head of the whole Garfield empire?
He's a cartoonist like any other cartoonist. Just go and see him.
A visitor approaches, my lord.
Off with his head.

DOCTOR, IF I'M NOT HAVING A BOY OR A GIRL, WHAT'S IN MY BELLY?
LASAGNA. YOU ATE TOO MUCH LASAGNA.
LASAGNA? THAT CAN'T BE. I MEAN, I DID GO TO GARFIELD'S HOUSE, AND WE DID HAVE LASAGNA, BUT THAT CAN'T BE ALL LASAGNA IN THERE.
IT'S NOT.
OH, THIS IS AN UPLIFTING SERIES.
JIM DAVIS'S LAWYER ON LINE THREE.

RAT'S PREGNANCY
A Very Special Pearls Before Swine Series
TODAY'S EPISODE:
The Ultrasound
WELL, DOCTOR, IS IT A BOY? A GIRL?
IT'S NOT A GIRL.
IT'S A BOY! IT'S A BOY!
IT'S NOT A BOY.
I'M VERY CONFUSED.
WE ALL ARE!!

END
When I was a kid, my dad drove me around in the back of his pickup truck.
When I was a kid, I flew across the country by myself.
When I was a kid, I spent every day in the community swimming pool, and his parents were nowhere home.
When I was a kid, I ate everything I dropped on the ground and just figured that was already there.
When I was a kid, every time I got was treated with a PB & J and a "walk it off."
Stephan babysits his nephew in 2014.
Here's his list of allergies. Some games that improve his cognitive skills. And please stay within 10 inches of him at all times.
I don't know whether to feel sorry for you or me.
Let's go crazy and eat trans fats.

OKAY, GUYS, IT'S TIME FOR US LEMMINGS TO START JUMPING TO OUR DEATHS. SO IF YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE FOR GLORY IN LIFE, I'M AFRAID IT'S TOO LATE. FRED, YOU START US OFF.
FRED RULES--
IT'S NEVER TOO LAAAMATE
HE ALWAYS DID HAVE STYLE.

HEY, GOAT. HAVE AN INVITE.
THANK YOU. WHAT'S THE EVENT?
BABY CHRISTENING FOR LITTLE RAT.
WONDERFUL. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR THE CHRISTENING?
HIT HIM WITH A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE?
THAT'S FOR SHIPS.
SORRY. NEW TO THIS.

HEY, GOAT, HAVE A BEER WITH ME.
PREGNANT WOMEN CAN'T DRINK ALCOHOL... ALL THE RESEARCH SHOWS IT.
BUT I'M A PREGNANT GUY! THERE'S NO RESEARCH AT ALL!
*BURPY*
BABY MADE A BEER BELCH.

LOOK, GUYS. I PICKED THIS PRETTY DAISY FROM MY GARDEN.
OH MY GOD. THAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY *SOBBB* ENTIRE LIFE. AND I WANT TO JUST HOLD IT...
PREGNANCY IS TRANSFORMATIVE.
THAT COMMENT ENRAGED ME AND NOW I WANT TO KILL YOU.

SO NOW THAT I'M EXPECTING, SHOULD I PAINT THE EXTRA ROOM PINK OR BLUE?
YEAH. UM... I HATE TO ASK THE OBVIOUS, BUT HOW EXACTLY DID YOU GET PREGNANT?
I GOT-
VISITED BY MAGICAL FAIRIES!
THAT SOUNDS WORSE.
SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THIS COMIC STRIP?!

WE NEED A PLOT TWIST. SOMETHING TO SHAKE UP THE STRIP. SOMETHING BIG.
OOH. YOU MEAN LIKE A DEATH OR MARRIAGE OR...
I'M PREGNANT.
NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING.
HEY, IF YOU THOUGHT I WAS MOODY BEFORE...

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A WRITER
TODAY I WILL WRITE TEN PAGES.
WHOA. CAN'T WRITE WITHOUT COFFEE.
GOSH. NOW I'M HUNGRY.
I NEED INSPIRATION. I'LL WATCH YOUTUBE.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
LUNCH BREAK
STILL NOT INSPIRED. I NEED A WALK.
OKAY. NOW I'M READY.
UH-OH. NO PRINTER INK. I'LL BUY SOME.
OKAY. NOW I'M ALL SET.
COULD USE MORE COFFEE.
AND ONE GAME OF WORDS WITH FRIENDS.
RING RING RING
HEY, RAT. IT'S ME, PIG. I WONDER IF YOU HAVE TIME TO TALK.
GREAT. NOW I'VE WASTED MY WHOLE DAY. I GIVE UP.
TODAY I WILL WRITE TEN PAGES.

HI, RAT. IT'S YOUR MOTHER. I'M CALLING TO TELL YOU THAT AUNT MILLIE DIED. HER MEMORIAL'S ON TUESDAY. HER FUNERAL'S ON WEDNESDAY. AND INSTEAD OF SENDING FLOWERS, THE FAMILY WOULD LIKE PEOPLE TO MAKE DONATIONS TO SAINT ANTHONY'S, HER CHURCH ON MAIN STREET.
YOU'RE QUIET. DO YOU NEED A MOMENT?
YES. TO FIGURE OUT WHO AUNT MILLIE IS.
I'M NOT AS CLOSE TO MY FAMILY AS I COULD BE.

MY FRIENDS INVITED ME TO THEIR PLACE OF WORSHIP, BUT I'M NOT GONNA GO.
WHY NOT?
THEY HAVE RABIES.
RABIES?
HIS FRIENDS ARE JEWISH. AND THE WORD HE'S LOOKING FOR IS 'RABBIS'.
WE SHOULD HAVE THESE DISCUSSIONS LESS OFTEN.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, GOAT?
MY SPIN CLASS.
YOU NEED A CLASS TO LEARN HOW TO SPIN??
THEY DON'T TEACH US HOW TO SPIN. WE RIDE BIKES.
TO WHERE?
NOWHERE.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
OKAY, NOW BE SERIOUS.

HEY, GOAT... I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, THE LOOFAH.
HEY, LOOFAH, HOW ARE YOU?
Whatever.
Gotta go.
I NEVER KNEW HOW ALOOF A LOOFAH COULD BE.

I'D LIKE TO TALK TO THAT WOMAN, BUT I COULD USE SOME HELP. MIND BEING MY WINGMAN AND MAKING ME LOOK GOOD?
SURE THING.
MY FRIEND OVER THERE IS NOT ON ANY SEX OFFENDER LIST THAT I'M AWARE OF.
SHE'S NOT INTERESTED.

DID YOU SEE THESE GROUPS LOBBYING CITY COUNCIL TO TEAR DOWN THE HIGHWAY THAT RUNS THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF OUR TOWN
WITH THE TRAFFIC AS BAD AS IT ALREADY IS THAT'S CRAZY WHY WOULD ANYONE BE AGAINST OUR HIGHWAY
THAT'S THE THIRD WIFE I'VE LOST THIS WEEK, SIR.
WE GET IT.
MISTER ARMADILLO.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, MISTER DEATH?
I WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET PIG HERE, BUT HE HASN'T ARRIVED YET. HANG ON WHILE I VOICE DIAL HIM.
CALL...PIG!
HOME OR MOBILE?
CALL...PIG...HOME!
PERHAPS I WORDED THAT POORLY.

HI. I'M SISTER MARY. I'M
AFRAID YOUR STRIP WITH
THE NUN BEING KICKED
YESTERDAY WAS A LITTLE OFFENSIVE
TO OUR ORDER. GOT A
MINUTE TO DISCUSS IT WITH MY
FELLOW M.M.A. NUNS AND I?
OF COURSE.
NOW IS
M.M.A. SHORT
FOR 'MARY
MAGDALENE
ABBEY'?
MIXED MARTIAL ARTS.
someone...
save me...
YOU SHOULD
REALLY
TAKE A VOW
OF SILENCE.

I'VE BEEN GOING TO CHURCH AND EATING DONUTS WITH THE NUNS EVERY MORNING.
DONUTS ARE TERRIBLE FOR YOU, PIG. YOU REALLY NEED TO KICK THE HABIT.
BOOT
SOMEONE'S GOING TO HELL FOR THAT.

A school bus ahead of you is stopped with its red lights flashing. You should:
HONK AND YELL AT BUS DRIVER
Bus drivers so arrogant.

WHAT ARE
YOU DOING,
PIG?
I'M STUDYING ALL THE
WORLD'S RELIGIONS AND
PHILOSOPHIES AND TAKING
NOTES ON WHAT SEEMS
TO BE THE TRUE ROAD
TO HAPPINESS.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE
SO FAR?
I like
pizza.
IT MAY BE THE KEY.

LARRY TAKES HIS WRITTEN DRIVING TEST
There is no crosswalk and you notice a pedestrian crossing in front of you. You should:
HIT WID CAR TO TEECH LESSON.
You acing dis.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD?
Me got take written driving test, but ees pretty easy.
You have been in a collision with a parked vehicle and can't find the owner. You must:
Escape widout beeing seen.
Duh.

YOU DRINK TOO MUCH, DANNY DONKEY.
BAD DANNY.
So Danny defied his friends and slipped inside a bottle.
Beer isn't good for you, Danny Donkey.
You can't live your life inside a bottle, Danny.
Where he enjoyed the smell.
Beer is nice.
And the beer goggle view.
YOU'RE ALL SO PRETTY.
And the muffled sound.
Nirvana achieved, Danny never came out of the bottle again.
POSITIVELY UPLIFTING!
SOME LECTURES BACKFIRE.
WAIT FOR ME, DANNY DONKEY!!!