Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'D LIKE TO TALK TO THAT WOMAN, BUT I COULD USE SOME HELP. MIND BEING MY WINGMAN AND MAKING ME LOOK GOOD?
SURE THING.
MY FRIEND OVER THERE IS NOT ON ANY SEX OFFENDER LIST THAT I'M AWARE OF.
SHE'S NOT INTERESTED.

DID YOU SEE THESE GROUPS LOBBYING CITY COUNCIL TO TEAR DOWN THE HIGHWAY THAT RUNS THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF OUR TOWN
WITH THE TRAFFIC AS BAD AS IT ALREADY IS THAT'S CRAZY WHY WOULD ANYONE BE AGAINST OUR HIGHWAY
THAT'S THE THIRD WIFE I'VE LOST THIS WEEK, SIR.
WE GET IT.
MISTER ARMADILLO.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, MISTER DEATH?
I WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET PIG HERE, BUT HE HASN'T ARRIVED YET. HANG ON WHILE I VOICE DIAL HIM.
CALL...PIG!
HOME OR MOBILE?
CALL...PIG...HOME!
PERHAPS I WORDED THAT POORLY.

HI. I'M SISTER MARY. I'M
AFRAID YOUR STRIP WITH
THE NUN BEING KICKED
YESTERDAY WAS A LITTLE OFFENSIVE
TO OUR ORDER. GOT A
MINUTE TO DISCUSS IT WITH MY
FELLOW M.M.A. NUNS AND I?
OF COURSE.
NOW IS
M.M.A. SHORT
FOR 'MARY
MAGDALENE
ABBEY'?
MIXED MARTIAL ARTS.
someone...
save me...
YOU SHOULD
REALLY
TAKE A VOW
OF SILENCE.

I'VE BEEN GOING TO CHURCH AND EATING DONUTS WITH THE NUNS EVERY MORNING.
DONUTS ARE TERRIBLE FOR YOU, PIG. YOU REALLY NEED TO KICK THE HABIT.
BOOT
SOMEONE'S GOING TO HELL FOR THAT.

A school bus ahead of you is stopped with its red lights flashing. You should:
HONK AND YELL AT BUS DRIVER
Bus drivers so arrogant.

WHAT ARE
YOU DOING,
PIG?
I'M STUDYING ALL THE
WORLD'S RELIGIONS AND
PHILOSOPHIES AND TAKING
NOTES ON WHAT SEEMS
TO BE THE TRUE ROAD
TO HAPPINESS.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE
SO FAR?
I like
pizza.
IT MAY BE THE KEY.

LARRY TAKES HIS WRITTEN DRIVING TEST
There is no crosswalk and you notice a pedestrian crossing in front of you. You should:
HIT WID CAR TO TEECH LESSON.
You acing dis.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD?
Me got take written driving test, but ees pretty easy.
You have been in a collision with a parked vehicle and can't find the owner. You must:
Escape widout beeing seen.
Duh.

YOU DRINK TOO MUCH, DANNY DONKEY.
BAD DANNY.
So Danny defied his friends and slipped inside a bottle.
Beer isn't good for you, Danny Donkey.
You can't live your life inside a bottle, Danny.
Where he enjoyed the smell.
Beer is nice.
And the beer goggle view.
YOU'RE ALL SO PRETTY.
And the muffled sound.
Nirvana achieved, Danny never came out of the bottle again.
POSITIVELY UPLIFTING!
SOME LECTURES BACKFIRE.
WAIT FOR ME, DANNY DONKEY!!!

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... HOW'S YOUR WEEK BEEN? :)
NOT GREAT. BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS
I'M GONNA STOP THAT EXPRESSION ONE SPEAKER AT A TIME.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
HANG ON. IT'S THE FINAL MINUTE OF THIS PREMIER LEAGUE FOOTBALL MATCH.
LOOKS LIKE SOCCER.
IN EUROPE, IT'S CALLED FOOTBALL. NOW HUSH!
SO IF THEIR SOCCER IS FOOTBALL, IS THEIR FOOTBALL SOCCER?
NO. IF THEIR SOCCER IS FOOTBALL, IS THEIR FOOTBALL SOCCER?
THEN THEY DON'T HAVE FOOTBALL!
THEN WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU WATCHING?
SO WE DECIDED TO WATCH TENNIS.

HEY! MY OLD FRIEND, TOM! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN YEARS. HOW GOES IT!
OH, CAN'T COMPLAIN. I'M STILL MARRIED. I HAVE TWO WONDERFUL KIDS.
I THOUGHT YOU HAD THREE.
TWO THAT ARE WONDERFUL.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ON YOUR PHONE, GOAT?
THESE PHOTOS OF A TEMPLE IN EGYPT. THAT SEMICIRCULAR RECESS IN THE BUILDING IS CALLED AN APSE.
WHAT’S PAINTED ON IT?
THOSE ARE THE SNAKES THAT ARE SAID TO HAVE KILLED CLEOPATRA.
WOW. AND YOU FOUND ALL OF THIS ON YOUR PHONE?
YEAH. ON THESE APSE APSE APSE APPS.
TRY SAYING IT THREE TIMES FAST.
TRY WRITING A JOKE THAT’S NOT LAME.

BOMBAST CABLE-HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
I WANT TO CANCEL CABLE. NOW THAT I HAVE NETFLIX AND HULU, I DON'T NEED YOU AND YOUR 700 WORTHLESS CHANNELS ANYMORE.
SO THAT'S IT? YOU WANT TO CANCEL YOUR ENTIRE ACCOUNT?
WELL, NO. I STILL WANT ESPN.
HA! TO GET ESPN, YOU HAVE TO GET ALL 700 WORTHLESS CHANNELS! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
THE CABLE COMPANY IS A WORTHY FOE.

HEY, RICKY RAISIN. HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. I WON THE LOTTERY. GOT A NEW CAR. GOT A NEW BEACH HOUSE. GOT A NEW GIRLFRIEND... OH, WELL. GOTTA GO.
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A RAISIN.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR, MA?
OHHH, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING.
WELL, I'M GONNA GET YOU SOMETHING, SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?
YOU HAVE TO GET ME ANYTHING.
PLEASE NAME SOMETHING.
SAVE YOUR MONEY.
YOU'RE GONNA END UP WITH A GIFT YOU DON'T LIKE.
OHH, I LIKE EVERYTHING
FINE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MA...IT'S A COOKED-SQUID-ON-ROLLER-SKATES-CLOCK-RADIO.
OH, SON...THIS IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.
MOMS ARE DIFFERENT.

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY NEIGHBOR, PHIL. HE'S A REAL PEOPLE PERSON, SO HE'S LOOKING FOR A JOB WHERE HE CAN WORK AROUND PEOPLE.
GREAT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
CORONER.
THE DEAD ARE MUCH LESS WHINY.

RAT, THIS IS OUR NEIGHBOR FROM ACROSS THE STREET. YOU MET HER ONCE.
OH, YEAH. YOU'RE ABBY.
I'M FLATTERED. HOW DID YOU REMEMBER THAT MY NAME IS ABBY?
RHYMES WITH CRABBY.
WHY YOU LITTLE--
ASK ME HOW I REMEMBER YOUR SISTER, CASS.
WE SHOULD GO HOME NOW.

Hey, Fred...Gome about stort and dis last beer in fridge.
Last beer in fridge? Hang on. Me fix.
Beep Boop Boop
ME GOT NO BEER!!
911 EMERGENCY SERVICES
IT'S HIM AGAIN.
HANG UP THE PHONE, TRUDY.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW SOMETIMES IT TAKES ELDERLY FOLKS A LONG TIME TO CROSS THE STREET, OFTEN CAUSING A TRAFFIC JAM? WELL, I'VE COME UP WITH SOMETHING THAT MAY HELP THEM.
THAT'S GREAT. A LIT CROSSWALK? A PEDESTRIAN BRIDGE?
OLD PEOPLE BUNGEE CORD.
THERE COULD BE LIABILITY ISSUES.

HEY, GOAT, CAN YOU HELP ME MOVE MY NEW FUTON? MY BUDDY JUAN GOT IT IN A RAFFLE AND DIDN'T WANT IT.
WHAT'S THAT PATTERN ON IT?
WONTONS. IT CAME FROM CHINA. BUT BE CAREFUL MOVING IT. IT WEIGHS A TON.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS MOVING?
THIS ONE-TON WONTON FUTON JUAN WON.
WANTON VIOLENCE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I'M FATHER TIME.
I THOUGHT FATHER TIME WAS EITHER AN OLD MAN WITH A BEARD OR A LITTLE BABY.
NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE YEAR. NOW I'M JUST A MIDDLE-AGED FAT GUY WHO WANTS TO DRIVE A PORSCHE.
JUNE'S A ROUGH MONTH FOR FATHER TIME.

SPARE A MINUTE?
YOU'RE THE ENCYCLOPEDIA SALESMAN. GONNA TRY TO SELL ME SOMETHING JUST LIKE THE INTERNET NOW GIVES ME FOR FREE?
NOPE. THIS TIME I'M JUST COMING TO YOUR DOOR FOR A HANDOUT.
WHY SHOULD I GIVE YOU A HANDOUT?
BECAUSE THE INTERNET'S DESTROYED EVERYTHING - RECORDED MUSIC, CABLE TV, NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ENCYCLOPEDIAS... ALL BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR WHOLE GENERATION EXPECT ALL CONTENT FOR FREE.
SO?
SO IT'S NOT FREE. IT'S PRODUCED BY FICTION WRITERS, NEWS REPORTERS, ROCK MUSICIANS... AND IF THINGS DON'T CHANGE, WE'RE ALL GONNA BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR.
WHATEVER, OLD MAN.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
SPARE A MINUTE?

DO PEOPLE IN CHINA READ MYSTERY NOVELS?
WHY WOULDN’T THEY?
WELL, I THOUGHT THEY READ BOOKS FROM BACK TO FRONT.
YEAH. SO?
SO THEY'D ALWAYS SPOIL THE ENDING.
IT'S QUIET TIME NOW.