Pearls Before Swine | Search

RAT HAS THANKSGIVING DINNER WITH HIS FAMILY
BEFORE WE BEGIN EATING, I’D LIKE TO GO AROUND THE TABLE AND EACH SAY WHAT WE’RE THANKFUL FOR.
I’M THANKFUL FOR FAMILY AND HOLIDAY GATHERINGS SUCH AS THIS.
I’M THANKFUL FOR MOTHER NATURE AND ALL OF GOD’S CREATURES.
I’M THANKFUL FOR WORLD PEACE AND LOVE AND BROTHERHOOD.
I’M THANKFUL I ONLY HAVE TO SEE YOU ALL ONCE A YEAR.
HOW HEARTWARMING.
OH, AND I LIKE BEER.

HEY, RAT... ANY INTEREST IN GOING ON A CRUISE WITH ME?
SURE.
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS VACATION LIKE BEING TRAPPED IN A CONFINED SPACE WITH OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE.
THAT IS NOT WHAT A CRUISE IS LIKE.
OH, RIGHT. I LEFT OUT ALL THE BROKEN TOILETS.

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, PAUL. HE'S A PAINTER CURRENTLY MAKING SIX FIGURES.
WOW. IT'S SO NICE TO HEAR OF AN ARTIST EARNING GOOD MONEY.
WHO SAID I EARN MONEY?
GOAT MAKES A LOT OF ASSUMPTIONS.
YEAH. WHO WANTS TO BUY THESE CRAPPY PAINTINGS?

I GOT A JOB DESIGNING FIRST-PERSON SHOOTER VIDEO GAMES.
YOU MEAN LIKE 'HALOS?'
YEAH, BUT INSTEAD OF SHOOTING YOUR ENEMY, YOU PUSH THIS BUTTON HERE AND JIMMY CARTER COMES IN TO MEDIATE.
OH, WOW. I WONDER HOW THAT'LL BE RECEIVED.
Who guy wid beeg teeth?

PIG, ARE YOU GOING TO EAT YOUR APPLESAUCE OR NOT?
I DON'T LIKE IT.
CMON, NOW.. OPEN WIDE FOR THE CHOO CHOO TRAIN.
CHOO CHOO TRAIN'S OH, BOY! OKAY!
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP
THE TRAIN HONKED.

WANT TO PLAY 'HALO' WITH ME? THE GUYS IN RED ARE OUR ENEMY.
OKAY.
DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY AREN'T YOU SHOOTING AT THE ENEMY?
I'M LOOKING FOR A BUTTON THAT LETS US TALK IT OUT.
PERHAPS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND GAMING.
IS THERE A WAY TO SEND FLOWERS?

OUR NEIGHBORS ARE GETTING TIRED OF RAISING THEIR LITTLE KID, RED.
HOW COME?
THE KID KEEPS PUTTING UP FLAGS FROM THE OLD SOVIET UNION. THEY THINK IT MIGHT INDICATE THAT SOMETHING IS REALLY WRONG WITH HIM.
SO THE PARENTS RAISING OF THEIR SON RED FLAGS RED FLAGS BECAUSE RED'S RAISING OF RED FLAGS IS RAISING RED FLAGS?
I AM SO DARN CLEVER.

REFRESH PAGE.
YES!
REFRESH PAGE.
NO!
REFRESH PAGE!
REFRESH PAGE!
YES!
STOP.
WALK.
OUTDOORS.
RELAX.
REFRESH PAGE!
REFRESH PAGE!
NOOOOO!

YOU KNOW WHAT BUGS ME ABOUT YOU-- ALL OF YOUR COMPLIMENTS ARE WRAPPED IN INSULTS.

I'D ARGUE, BUT I THINK THAT'S A PRETTY ASTUTE OBSERVATION.

IT IS, ISN'T IT?
ESPECIALLY FOR SOMEONE WITH SUCH LIMITED SOCIAL SKILLS.
DISCUSSION OVER.
NICE RETORT FOR AN UNWITTY NERD.

I WANT TO LIVE IN THE NETHERLANDS... THEIR MURDER RATE IS SO LOW.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S HARD TO SNEAK UP ON PEOPLE WHEN YOU'RE WEARING WOODEN SHOES.
THAT'S SO TRUE.
NO IT'S NOT.
WHY DO YOU THINK THEY NEVER WIN THE 100 METER DASH?

HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR FATHER TODAY?
HE WENT TO THAT MCRONALD'S BURGER PLACE, YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE PLAY AREA.
WHY'D HE WANT TO GO THERE?
I GUESS TO GET A BURGER... WHY ELSE?
Me gonna eat fat kid.
OOOH... I'M AFRAID THAT BREAKS OUR McRONALD'S RULES.

HI, BURT THE BEAR... HERE THE NEW NEIGHBORS YOU SAID YOU MIGHT EAT. WE WERE JUST WONDERING... IS THERE ANY WAY TO ESCAPE A BEAR?
WELL, LET'S SEE... I CAN CLIMB, SWIM, RUN 35 MILES PER HOUR, AND BREAK DOWN STEEL DOORS.
SO MUCH FOR WRAPPING MY HEAD IN BUBBLE WRAP.

CAN WE HELP YOU?
GOOD MORNING. I'M BURT THE BEAR. I JUST MOVED IN NEXT DOOR.
I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I'LL BE SLEEPING FOR THE NEXT FOUR MONTHS.
THEN I'LL WAKE UP,
BE HUNGRY, AND PROBABLY EAT YOU.
IT'S SO NICE TO KNOW WHERE YOU STAND WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS.

THIS BOAT COMPANY IS OFFERING TOURS WHERE THEY TAKE YOU TO VARIOUS WORLD FAIRS AND GUARANTEE YOU ROMANTIC ENCOUNTERS WITH WOMEN.
REALLY? HOW MUCH?
FOR WHAT?
FOR A FAIR AFFAIR FARE.
A FAIR AMOUNT.
YOU'RE NEXT, FATTY.

RRR
RRRRR
HELLO?
HEY, PIG! IT'S STEPHAN.
HEY, STEPHAN. WHERE ARE YOU?
DRIVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY. I'M SPEAKING AT OHIO STATE ON SATURDAY.
ARE YOU EXCITED?
EXCITED? I'M THRILLED. I EVEN BOUGHT A 'BRUTUS BUCKEYE' COSTUME FOR THE OCCASION.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, STEPH... SO WHY ARE YOU CALLING?
'CAUSE I GOT LOST ON MY WAY TO COLUMBUS AND MY CELL PHONE'S DEAD, AND I WAS HOPING YOU COULD GO ON GOOGLE MAPS AND GIVE ME DIRECTIONS TO COLUMBUS FROM WHERE I AM.
SURE. AT?
LET'S SEE... SOME PLACE CALLED ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN.
THEY'RE NOT THAT FRIENDLY IN MICHIGAN.

Okay, zeeba, we crocs
start put eestreme pressure
on you geev up,
surrender life.
WHAT
ARE
YOU
GONNA
DO?
Make grumpy face.
Works when wife do it.

HEY, PIG. WHY ARE YOU DRESSED UP?
I'M TRYING TO IMPRESS MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA WITH HOW CULTURED I CAN BE. I'M EVEN TAKING HER TO A CLASSICAL MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
HOW WONDERFUL. WHO'S PERFORMING?
YO MAMA.
YO-YO MA.
CLOSE ENOUGH.

OUR NEIGHBOR JUST GOT ONE OF THOSE CROSSED DOGS.
ONE OF THOSE HALF-LABRADOR, HALF-POODLE LABRADOODLES?
NO. A SAINT BERNARDSTER.
SAINT BERNARDSTER?
HALF SAINT BERNARD. HALF HAMSTER.
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FEED ME A REALLY LARGE SUNFLOWER SEED?

THANKS FOR COMING OVER FOR COFFEE, PIGITA. WE DON'T DO ENOUGH COUPLESS STUFF LIKE THIS.
I KNOW.. IT'S KIND OF ROMANTIC. DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GIVE ME SOME CREAM FOR MY COFFEE?
SQUIRT
PLUNK
HAVE I KILLED THE MOOD?

HEY, GOAT! YOU GOTTA HELP ME WITH THAT GREEN ROOF WE INSTALLED!
THE ONE THAT ATTRACTED THE GRAZING COW…?
YES! THE COW CRASHED THROUGH.
THE WHOLE COW…?
JUST PART.
HEY, CLARABEL… GIMME A SQUIRT.

HEY, PIG, I HEARD YOU INSTALLED ONE OF THOSE GREEN ROOFING SYSTEMS WHERE THEY COVER YOUR ROOF WITH GRASS AND PLANTS AND STUFF.
YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT GOING WELL.
WHAT'S WRONG?
IT ATTRACTED A GRAZING COW.
MOOO
TIME TO USE THE CATTLE PROD AGAIN.

WHATCHA DOIN', RATT?
I GOT A JOB AS A COLLEGE ADMISSIONS OFFICER. RIGHT NOW, I'M REVIEWING THE APPLICANTS' ESSAYS.
My unique experience in the Amazon rainforest has prepared me for your university's excellent...
Assisting my uncle in overcoming physical challenges has taught me that an education at your great institution will...
My goal is to receive a broad-based liberal arts education and there is no better place to achieve that than at your fine...
YO. JUST NEED A PLACE TO PARTY FOR 4 YEARS.
ACCEPTED
I LIKE THE HONEST ONES.

HEY, GOAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, BILL. HE'S AN OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR.
THAT'S GREAT. FOR WHAT FOOTBALL TEAM?
NO FOOTBALL TEAM. HE'S JUST A COORDINATOR IN AN OFFICE.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE WAS AN OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR.
I AM, YOU FAT, STINKING, HOMELY GOAT.
HE'S A PRETTY OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR.
WANT MORE PROOF?
NO THANKS.

HIYA, GOAT...I'D LIKE
YOU TO MEET MY
FRIEND, ELIZABETH...
SHE'S WITH CHILD.
OH, HOW
WONDERFUL.
WHEN
ARE YOU
EXPECTING?
WHO SAID I WAS EXPECTING?
PERHAPS YOU
COULD USE A
DIFFERENT
EXPRESSION
NEXT TIME.
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH, "I'D
LIKE YOU TO
MEET MY
FRIEND?"

ARE YOU GONNA CLEAN THIS LIVING ROOM TODAY OR NOT? WE'VE GOT DUST BUNNIES ALL OVER THE FLOOR.
OH, SURE. I'LL GET TO IT RIGHT NOW.
DON'T TOUCH ME.
I'M THINKING CLEANLINESS IS OVERRATED.