Pearls Before Swine | Search

Hullooo, leetle oreo tings. Welcome to you new house. Want see jacoozee?
OH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
YOUR JACUZZI IS A GIANT GLASS OF MILK.
Peese, Oreo. Take dip.

GEE, MORTY, I'M SO NERVOUS. WHAT WILL OUR ADOPTIVE PARENTS BE LIKE? WILL THEY BE LOVING? WILL THEY BE NICE? WILL THEY BE EASY TO GET ALONG WITH?
GEE, SAUL, I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY'RE WONDERING ABOUT US?
AND HOW YOU GUNNA EAT OREO?
ME TWIST OFF TOP FIRST.

SO THEN I --
DARN. CALL GOT DROPPED. I BETTER...
CALL PIG BACK. BUT WHAT IF...
...HE TRIES TO CALL ME? THEN HE'LL JUST GO...
...TO VOICEMAIL. I'LL WAIT FOR HIM TO...
...CALL ME. BUT WHAT IF HE'S WAITING ALSO? THEN I'LL...
LOOK, DUDE. I BETTER...
CALL HIM.
HI. I'M NOT AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW. SO PLEASE--
AUGGGGHHH
THERE SHOULD BE A NAME FOR THAT PHENOMENON.

OUR TOWN IS SO POORLY RUN. WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BE MAYOR FOR A DAY JUST SO YOU CAN FIX A FEW THINGS?
OH, YEAH. FIRST LAW - NO MORE PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT FOR MAGICIANS.
MAGICIANS?
NO ONE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SAW A WOMAN IN HALF.
MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE MAYOR.
MURDER IS MURDER, NO MATTER HOW ENTERTAINING.

GOOD NEWS, MORTY. I THINK OUR DAYS OF LOOKING OUT FOR POLAR BEARS ARE OVER. I GOT OUR NAMES INCLUDED IN AN ADOPTION CATALOG.
WHAT'S THAT?!
IT'S THIS PUBLICATION READ IN FIRST WORLD COUNTRIES BY THOSE LOOKING TO ADOPT THE UNDERPRIVILEGED... AND I HEAR THERE'S ALREADY SOME INTEREST IN US.
REALLY? BY WHOM?
Geev me ten giant Oreos.

YOU EVER HEARD THE EXPRESSION, 'YOU GET THE FACE YOU DESERVE'?
YEAH, WHY?
BECAUSE YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING VERY WRONG.
PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.
DID YOU DROWN PUPPIES?

HEY, MORTY, I THINK I FIGURED OUT HOW TO DISTINGUISH YOUR WIFE FROM ALL THE OTHER PENGUINS. ASK HER SOMETHING ONLY SHE WOULD KNOW ABOUT YOU.
GOOD IDEA, SAUL.
WHICH ONE OF YOU THINKS YOUR HUSBAND IS EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE?
NOT MUCH HELP, SAUL.

LOOK, SAUL... I FOUND A WAY TO DISTINGUISH OUR SIMILAR-LOOKING SPOUSES FROM ONE ANOTHER. I GIVE EACH OF THEM FUNNY HATS.
I WISH THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT.

CHECK THIS OUT, RAT.
IT'S A POSTER MADE BY THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT TO RAISE MORALE DURING WORLD WAR TWO.
KEEP CALM
AND
CARRY
ON
OH, YEAH?
I HAVE ONE JUST LIKE IT.
PANIC
AND
THROW
A
GINORMOUS
FIT
THAT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
I ADHERE TO IT OFTEN.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
BEING SMART.
HOW IS STANDING ON A BUCKET SMART?
BECAUSE EVERYONE'S FREAKING OUT ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING, AND IT'S SO STUPID. SO WHAT IF TEMPS RISE ONE DEGREE? ALL THAT HAPPENS IS THAT THE OCEANS RISE A COUPLE FEET.
JUST STAND ON A BUCKET.
RIGHT. AND HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT YOU CAN'T LIVE ON A BUCKET? YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO GO PLACES, LIKE TO GET FOOD, AND SUPPLIES, AND WATER.
BRILLIANT.
THAT TRAIL LEADS TO THE LIQUOR STORE.
BEER RUN!

HEY, GOAT... LOOK... THIS IS ABOUT THE TIME EVERY NIGHT THAT PIG HAS A DREAM HE'S FALLING.
WHY'S HE DO THAT?
WHO KNOWS.

LOOK AT THOSE YOUNGSTERS SITTING AT THAT TABLE. DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU FEEL OLD?
NOPE.
THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OLD?
YOU USE THE WORD YOUNGSTER.
THAT HURTS.
TRY THIS NEXT: 'HEY, YOU CHAPS! GET OFF MY LAWN!'

BAD NEWS, SAUL. I LOST MY WIFE.
OH MY GOODNESS, MORTY. SHE DIED?
NO. I LITERALLY CAN'T TELL WHICH ONE SHE IS.
WE REALLY SHOULD COME WITH NAMETAGS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TRYING TO RAISE MONEY FOR A NEIGHBORHOOD SWIMMING POOL.
GOOD FOR YOU. HOW'S IT GOING?
GREAT. I HEARD A 'FREAKONOMICS' PODCAST EXPLAINING THAT A BIG MOTIVE FOR CHARITABLE GIVING IS NOT ALTRUISM, BUT SOCIAL PRESSURE.
SO HOW DOES THAT AFFECT HOW YOU —
NEIGHBOR BOB IS A CHEAP #*!& WHO HAS NOT GIVEN ONE BUCK TO —
HAPPY?
WOW. THAT'S GENEROUS OF YOU, BOB.
FLEE THE NEIGHBORHOOD WHILE YOU STILL CAN, BOB.

HEY THERE, GOAT.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, WILLIE.
WELL, HELLO, WILLIE... DO YOU ENJOY BEING A JOCKEY?
JOCKEY? I'M NOT A JOCKEY.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ASK ME THAT?
NOT EVERYONE SHORT IS A JOCKEY, YOU KNOW.

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, DR. DONKEY... THE DOCTOR DID HIS UNDERGRADUATE WORK AT HARVARD, ATTAINED HIS MASTERS FROM OXFORD, AND RECEIVED HIS DOCTORATE AT BERKELEY.
SOUNDS LIKE A SMART ASS.
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA.
HEY... LEGIT WORD FOR DONKEY, PAL.
ARRRGH... STUPID TECHNICALITY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JOE ?
IT'S ME AND MY WIFE'S 20th ANNIVERSARY, SO I THOUGHT I'D GET HER SOME FLOWERS.
WOW. TWENTY YEARS. WHAT'S THAT LIKE ?
PRETTY AMAZING, JOE. IT'S LIKE HAVING A SOUL MATE.
REALLY ?
REALLY. SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOUR EVERY PREDILECTION, YOUR EVERY QUIRK. HOW YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE. HOW YOU LIKE YOUR MATTRESS. HOW YOU LIKE YOUR SOCKS ARRANGED.
BUT ENOUGH OF THIS CHIT CHAT. I HAVE A GIFT TO GIVE.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MY LOVELY WIFE.
WIFE ? I'M NOT YOUR WIFE.
PENGUINS ARE SO HARD TO TELL APART.

HEY, I JUST READ A MARCEL PROUST NOVEL AND IT BROUGHT UP AN INTERESTING PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION.
GOOD FOR YOU, READING PROUST. WHAT'S THE QUESTION?
IT'S WHICH IS WORSE... BEING BURIED ALIVE IN A PITCH-DARK CONCRETE VAULT FOR ALL ETERNITY WITH NO HOPE OF ESCAPE, OR READING PROUST.
YOU COULD JUST SAY YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT.
SEE, IN THE DARK VAULT, YOU'D NEVER HAVE TO SEE A PROUST BOOK AGAIN.

LOOK AT THAT PRETTY GIRL. I WISH I HAD THE COURAGE TO TALK TO HER.
LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS TATTOOS. THOSE CAN BE A GREAT CONVERSATION STARTER.
REALLY?
YEAH. TRY IT.
PARDON ME, BUT COOL TAT OF THAT DRUM SET ON FIRE. IS THAT THE LOGO OF SOME METAL BAND?
IT'S TO COMMEMORATE THE NIGHTCLUB FIRE THAT TRAGICALLY KILLED MY FAVORITE UNCLE.
THAT WENT WELL.
PLEASE SHUT UP.

HEY, POLAR BEAR... IN THE PAST, WE PENGUINS HAVE STOOD AROUND WHILE ONE OF US IS BEING EATEN BECAUSE WE HAVE THIS "AT LEAST IT'S NOT ME" MENTALITY. BUT NO MORE. FROM NOW ON, WE STAND UP FOR EACH OTHER.
I GUESS I'M OLD SCHOOL.

HEY, POLAR BEAR... INSTEAD OF EATING US PENGUINS, WE THOUGHT THAT MAYBE YOU'D LIKE THIS BUCKET OF HERRING.
TOSS
CLOMP
IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO HAVE AN APPETIZER.

IF YOU COULD KNOW HOW AND WHEN YOU DIE, WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW?
OF COURSE.
WHY?
TO AVOID IT.
I'M NOT A MORON.

HEY, MORTY. WANT TO HANG OUT?
CAN'T, GEORGE. GOTTA WATCH THIS EGG.
DOESN'T YOUR WIFE DO THAT?
NO. WITH EMPEROR PENGUINS, IT'S THE GUY WHO INCUBATES THE EGG.
SO WHAT DOES THE WIFE DO?
GEE, GEORGE, I DON'T KNOW. BUT EVOLUTIONARILY SPEAKING, I ASSUME IT'S SOMETHING CRITICAL TO OUR SPECIES' SURVIVAL.
COCKTAIL!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PLAYING WITH MY ROCK AND ROLL ACTION FIGURINES. THAT'S ROGER MCGUINN AND DAVID CROSBY OF THE BYRDS. AND THAT'S MICK JAGGER CLOSEST TO YOU.
OH, WOW... THE MICK JAGGER LOOKS SO COOL.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I KILLED TWO BYRDS WITH ONE STONE.
GOODBYE RUBY TOONBOY.

I'VE STARTED GOING TO CHURCH FOR ANSWERS TO LIFE'S BIG QUESTIONS.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE IF I DIE AND GO TO HEAVEN, AND FIND A BUNCH OF PEOPLE I DON'T LIKE, CAN I PUNCH THEM?
LET'S STOP TALKING NOW.
FUNNY. MY BIBLE STUDY GROUP SAID THE SAME THING.