Pearls Before Swine | Search

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. THIS ARTICLE SAYS THAT ELEVEN PERCENT OF AMERICANS BELIEVE ELVIS IS STILL ALIVE.
NO.
YES.
WHY SO FEW?
MAYBE YOU'RE THE WRONG PERSON TO DISCUSS THIS WITH.
YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE ALIENS PROBED HIM DOESN'T MEAN HE'S DEAD.

HEY THERE, PIG... WHY ARE YOU OVER HERE AT NEIGHBOR BOB'S HOUSE?
I'M HELPING HIM WATCH HIS ELDERLY MOM. SHE'S OFF HER ROCKER.
PIG, THAT'S NOT A VERY NICE WAY OF REFERRING TO SOMEONE WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS.
MENTAL ILLNESS, MY BUTT. JUST GOT SORE.
CAN'T A WOMAN STRETCH HER LEGS WITHOUT BEING CALLED INSANE?
GOING BACK HOME NOW.

HEY, PIG. MEET 'LIL RAT... I SIGNED UP TO BE HIS BIG BROTHER.
THAT'S GREAT! WHY'D YOU DECIDE TO DO THAT?
BOOT
BOOT
BECAUSE EVERYONE NEEDS A ROLE MODEL.

Hows my tat coming?
Good... I love Ben.
'Jen.'
You enunciate poorly.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, PIG?
I GOT MY NAME TATTOOED ON ME BY A NEW TATTOO ARTIST.
NEW TATTOO ARTIST??
IT JUST SAYS "PI".
YEAH...HALFWAY THROUGH HE SAID HE NO LONGER FELT CREATIVELY INSPIRED.
IT HAPPENS.

HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, HELLO, RAT...I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIENDS, LAUREL AND LAUREL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THEIR HEADS?
I'M RESTING ON MY LAURELS.
SURELY YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME.

HI, PIG. HOW WAS YOUR DAY.
OH, GOMER GOLDFISH, IT WAS TERRIFIC.
WHAT DID YOU DO.
WELL, FIRST I WENT TO BREAKFAST AT THAT NEW DINER AND HAD THE BANANA WAFFLES.
THEN I STROLLED THROUGH THE PARK AND TOOK PICTURES OF THE ROSES.
AFTER THAT, I WENT TO THE COUNTY FAIR AND HAD COTTON CANDY.
THEN I VISITED A COUPLE FRIENDS AND PLAYED CARDS.
AND FOR DINNER, I WENT TO A NEIGHBORHOOD BARBECUE AND WATCHED THE SUNSET... AND HOW ‘BOUT YOU, GOMER.
I SWAM IN CIRCLES.
NEVER ASK A GOLDFISH ABOUT HIS DAY.

I FIND IT SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT WHO I CAN TRUST IN LIFE AND WHO I CAN'T.
I DON'T. I HAVE A FOOL-PROOF TEST.
WHAT'S THAT?
I NEVER TRUST A PERSON WHO USES THE WORD "IMPLEMENT." THEY ARE ALWAYS LYING.
SO MUCH FOR MY RESUME.
LET ME GUESS, YOU IMPLEMENTED CHANGE.

HELLO... CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS?
ENCYCLOPEDIAS? ARE YOU NUTS? WE HAVE THE INTERNET NOW.
CAN YOUR INTERNET DO THAT?

GUYS, I'VE BEEN THINKING... I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD JUMP. I THINK WE SHOULD LIVE. BECAUSE LIFE IS FILLED WITH JOY AND WONDER AND LOVE.
THAT REALLY LOWERS HIS CREDIBILITY.

HEY GOAT.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY
FRIEND, DAVE.
NICE TO MEET YOU,
DAVE. HEY, PIG AND I
ARE GOING TO DINNER
TOGETHER TONIGHT. CARE
TO JOIN US?
SURE... I'LL BE THERE SOME TIME IN THE FOUR-HOUR WINDOW BETWEEN 6:00 AND 10:00 P.M.
HE WORKS FOR THE CABLE COMPANY.

OKAY, GUYS, THIS IS IT... THE MOMENT THAT WE, AS LEMMINGS, FULFILL OUR MUTUAL SUICIDE PACT BY EACH JUMPING OFF THE CLIFF IN QUICK SUCCESSION. FRED, YOU START US OFF.
Jump
Poof
I NEVER DID TRUST THAT GUY.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
GOING DOOR-TO-DOOR SELLING HIS HOMEMADE NEWSPAPER. HE WAS TIRED OF ALWAYS HEARING BAD NEWS, SO HE THOUGHT HE'D PUBLISH ONE FILLED WITH THE OPPOSITE.
HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT GOOD. I THINK THERE'S A MARKETING PROBLEM.
HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?

DIFFICULT TIMES
When the going gets tough...
And the chips are down...
And the breaks aren't going your way...
And everyone is telling you can't...
Give up.
'Cause they're probably right.
YOU SHOULD NOT BE WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS.
AND DRINK BEER INSTEAD!
I AM SO &%@!#% MOTIVATED!

HEY, RAT. WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
DEPRESSED OVER MY LIFE'S CIRCUMSTANCE. SO I PAINTED ALL THE WINDOWS BLACK.
YOU REALLY THINK THAT PAINTING ALL YOUR WINDOWS BLACK IS THE ANSWER?
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MY WINDOWS?
HEY, RAT. NEIGHBOR BOB'S LOOKING FOR YOU.
OH, GREAT. WHAT'S IT TAKE TO NOT SEE THAT GUY?

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE DRUNK?
BEING DRUNK IS WHEN YOU HAVE
THE WORST COORDINATION, THE
WORST PERCEPTION, THE WORST JUDGMENT,
AND THE MOST CONFIDENCE ABOUT ALL THREE.
THAT
DOESN'T
SOUND
SAFE.
HEY...
THINK I CAN
JUMP AND LAND
ON ANDY CAPP'S
HEAD?

HI. I'D LIKE TO BUY A DOZEN LONG-STEMMED ROSES FOR MY GIRLFRIEND.
THAT'LL BE $150.
BUT THE SIGN SAYS $75.
I KNOW, BUT IT'S VALENTINES DAY AND MY POWER HAS GROWN EXPONENTIALLY.
BWAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA
FLORISTS ARE A CRUEL BUNCH.

HI, SURGEON BOB. ARE YOU READY FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?
YOU BET. I EVEN MADE MY WIFE THIS ROMANTIC, HOMEMADE VALENTINE.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
I'M BIG ON ACCURACY.

Hulloooo, zeeba neighba. Leesten, Me theenking geeve my woooman heart for Valentine Day.
GOOD FOR YOU. CHOCOLATE OR CANDY?
Why you never cooperate?

HEY, GOLDFISH. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG. I'M STARTING TO THINK THIS IS IT...ME...TINY FISHBOWL... SWIM SWIM SWIM...
THE GOLDFISH IS ON TO US.

HEY, GOAT, DO YOU LIKE YOUR ORANGE JUICE WITH PULP OR WITHOUT PULP?
EITHER, I GUESS.
YOU DON'T HAVE A PREFERENCE?
WELL, I SUPPOSE IF I HAD TO CHOOSE, I'D SAY WITH.
YEAH. WHY?
NO REASON. I JUST THINK IT'S INTERESTING THAT--
KILL THE PULPIST!!!
MUST EVERY ISSUE IN THIS COUNTRY BE DIVISIVE?
SOCIALIST!

THE CITY HOSPITAL IS CUTTING BACK ITS EMERGENCY ROOM STAFF AGAIN… AS THOUGH THE WAIT NOW ISN’T LONG ENOUGH.

OH, I NEVER WAIT.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE AFTER I TELL THEM MY INJURY, I ALWAYS ADD THAT I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK.
HOW NOBLE.
WHY JUST LAST WEEK, I HAD A HANGNAIL AND A HEART ATTACK.

RAT SAID YOU MADE A NEW FRIEND, BUT THAT HE'S ALWAYS SAD.
HE'S NOT SAD.
RAT SAID YOU CALLED HIM MELANCHOY.
I DID.
YOU MAKE US ALL SAD.

OKAY, GUYS, BEFORE WE LEAP TO OUR ETERNAL DEATH FROM ATOP THIS MOUNTAIN, DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS THEY'D LIKE TO SAY?
I HOOKED UP WITH YOUR W-I-I-I-I-I-I-FE
I SUPPOSE IT'S TOO LATE TO PUNCH HIM IN THE NOSE.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW MUCH LINT YOU GET FROM THE LINT SCREEN IN THE DRYER?
SURE. WHY?
BECAUSE THAT'S YOUR CLOTHING STOLEN PIECE-BY-PIECE BY YOUR DRYER.
SO?
SO WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
LINT. IT'S ALL THE RAGE.
CHECK PLEASE.