Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING?
IT'S A DRONE. THEY'RE REMOTE-CONTROLLED PLANES USED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO HUNT DOWN TERRORISTS.
WHY WOULD IT BE FOLLOWING US?
MUST BE SOME NEW DEFENSE DEPARTMENT EMPLOYEE WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.
THAT'S VERY INSULTING.

WELL, PIG. I'M OFF ON MY BIG TRIP TO SEE THE PARIS SIGHTS.
SOUNDS TERRIBLE.
WHY'S IT SOUND TERRIBLE.?
WHO PAYS MONEY TO SEE PARASITES.?
LET ME START OVER.
I COULD PROBABLY SHOW YOU A TAPEWORM FOR FREE.

HEY, POLAR BEAR, LOOK... THIS IS AN
ATLAS... WE PENGUINS LIVE HERE, SEE,
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GLOBE... AND
YOU POLAR BEARS ARE SUPPOSED TO
LIVE HERE, AT THE TOP OF THE GLOBE.
CLUMP
EDUCATION IS SO OVERRATED.

JACK AND JILL
WENT UP THE HILL
TO FETCH A PAIL OF WATER.
JACK FELL DOWN
AND BROKE HIS CROWN
AND JILL CAME TUMBLING AFTER.
I TRIPPED THAT GUY,
SAID JILL WITH A SIGH,
TO GET JACK'S INHERITANCE SHARE.
I HEARD THAT BOAST,
SAID THE COP AT HIS POST
AND JILL GOT THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T WRITE
CHILDREN'S NURSERY RHYMES.
HEY… IT
TEACHES
ACCOUNTABILITY.

HEY, RAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET A FRIEND OF MINE.
THIS IS KEVIN. KEVIN IS WITH THE C.I.A.
AHHHHHHHHH!! THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS INVADING OUR HOMES!!
RUN!! FLEE!! HIDE!! THE FASCIST TAKEOVER OF OUR REPUBLIC HAS BEGUN!!
GUESS HE DOESN'T LIKE THE CULINARY INSTITUTE OF AMERICA.
COULD IT BE MY LINGUINE?

PARDON ME, SIR...BUT I BELIEVE THERE'S BEEN AN ATTACK ON THE HOME OF YOUR GOLDFISH.
AN ATTACK? HOW DO YOU KNOW?
HE'S NOT THAT SUBTLE.

I HAVE AN IDEA, GUYS... IF WE ALL JUST JUMP OFF DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE ICE AT THE SAME TIME, WE CAN CONFUSE THAT POLAR BEAR AND ALL GET AWAY.
LET'S DO IT!
GO!
CLOMP
I FEEL KINDA BAD ABOUT THAT.

CHECK IT OUT, POLAR BEAR. WE PEN-GUINS HAVE GOTTEN SMARTER. NOW WE
STAND IN ONE BIG COLUMN. THAT WAY,
WE ALL STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM THE EDGE OF THE ICE AS POSSIBLE...
SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE
GULP
TOPPLE
WE'VE HAD BETTER IDEAS.

RAT'S BUILDING US A BARBED WIRE FENCE.
WHY DO YOU NEED A BARBED WIRE FENCE?
TO PROVIDE US WITH A LITTLE PROTECTION.
AGAINST WHOM?
THIS SEEMS EXCESSIVE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I DON’T KNOW… I WAS SITTING HERE WATCHING T.V. AND EVERYTHING WENT BLACK.
LOOKS LIKE SOME-ONE HIT YOU ON THE HEAD. THERE’S A BIG BUMP.
WHO COULD HAVE HIT ME ON THE HEAD? THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE HOME.
NO ONE EVER SUSPECTS THE GOLDFISH.

OKAY, TEAM, WE NEED A TEAM NAME... I'M THINKING "THE MAULERS" OR "THE PILLAGERS"!
HOW ABOUT "THE CHANDRAGUPTAS"?
WHAT'S A "CHANDRAGUPTA", CARLA?
HE WAS A GREAT EMPEROR IN INDIA WHO VOLUNTARILY GAVE UP ALL HIS POWER TO BECOME A MONK. HE WOULD BE A WONDERFUL INSPIRATION FOR A TEAM THAT PLANS TO FORFEIT ALL ITS GAMES.
CARLA MIGHT NOT GET A LOT OF PLAYING TIME.
THEN AGAIN, HE DID STARVE HIMSELF TO DEATH.

AND THAT'S OUR PLAN FOR WINNING TODAY AGAINST RIBLET ELEMENTARY. ANY QUESTIONS?
YES, COACH. I HAVE A QUESTION.
WHAT IS IT, CARLA?
WELL, NOT TO GET TOO METAPHYSICAL, BUT SOMETIMES I THINK ALL HUMANITY IS ONE. YOU KNOW, ONE ENERGY. ONE LOVE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, CARLA?
WELL, IT GOT ME TO THINKING...EVERY TIME WE WIN, SOMEONE ELSE HAS TO LOSE. AND MAYBE THAT OTHER PERSON FEELS BAD.
SO?
SO IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE BROTHERHOOD OF HUMANITY, THAT SADNESS I CAUSE TO MY BROTHER BY WINNING IS ACTUALLY MY OWN.
AND HAS THIS GAME TO DO WITH NOT HAVING TO DO ANY PUSHUPS AFTER?
FORFEIT! FORFEIT! FORFEIT! FORFEIT! FORFEIT! FORFEIT! FORFEIT!
MAYBE NEXT TIME I WON'T ASK FOR QUESTIONS.
TWEET! METAPHYSICA FORFEIT.

WHAT KIND OF POKER GAME IS THIS? WE'VE GOT NO GRAPHICS CIGARS.
I HAVE SOME OLD ONES AT HOME. OR I CAN BUY SOME NEW ONES AT THE STORE.
FINE. AND WHERE ARE THE GRAPHICS POKER CHIPS?
I CAN BORROW SOME FROM MY NEIGHBOR. THEY'RE ALL BLUE, IF THAT'S OKAY.
SOMETHING OLD! SOMETHING NEW! SOMETHING BORROWED! SOMETHING BLUE!
SOME GUYS YOU JUST DON'T INVITE TO POKER NIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M TAKING GOMER GOLDFISH FOR A WALK... HE PUSHES AGAINST THE FRONT OF THE BOWL AND IT MAKES HIM ROLL FORWARD. I FIGURE IT'S A WAY FOR HIM TO SEE THE WORLD.
CURBS ARE TRICKY.

HONEY, I'VE CARVED A HOLE IN THE ICE SO YOU CAN FISH WITHOUT HAVING TO JUMP IN THE WATER AND CONFRONT THAT POLAR BEAR.
CLUMP
I SENSE A FLAW IN YOUR PLAN.

LOOK, DEAR... A GREENPEACE SHIP. THEY'RE THE GUYS WHO SAVE WHALES. SWIM OUT THERE AND SEE IF THEY SAVE PENGUINS, TOO.
HONEY, I DON'T THINK THAT'S AN ACTUAL GREEN- PEACE SHIP.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
I'M A GENIUS THAT WAY.

DO YOU EVER PRAY?
JUST THE GENIUS PRAYER.
WHAT'S THAT?
GOD GRANT ME THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CANNOT ACCEPT, SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I'VE CHANGED, AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW I'M DIFFERENT.
YOU'RE GOING TO HELL.
DON'T TRY USING IT. YOU DON'T QUALIFY.

COACH RAT... I HAVE A QUESTION. WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT THAT WE WIN?
BECAUSE, CARLA, WINNERS ARE LOVED. WINNERS ARE REMEMBERED. WINNERS ARE IMMORTAL.
OH, YEAH. LIKE THE TEAM THAT WON THE 1952 N.B.A. TITLE.
WHO'S THAT?
EXACTLY.
LET'S ALL GIVE THE SILENT TREATMENT TO CARLA.

OUR SOLE GOAL IS TO WIN.
BUT NOT JUST TO WIN. TO DOMINATE.
TO CRUSH OUR OPPONENT.
BECAUSE THIS IS LIKE WAR!
AND IN WAR, THE END JUSTIFIES THE MEANS!
SO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!!
BECAUSE AS JOSEPH STALIN ONCE SAID, "YOU CAN’T MAKE AN OMELETTE WITHOUT BREAKING A FEW EGGS"!!!
HE REALLY SHOULDN’T BE COACHING A LITTLE GIRLS’ BASKETBALL TEAM.
WHO’S JOSEPH STALIN?

YO, BRO, WASSUP? YOU CATCH THAT GAME LAST NIGHT? IT WAS SICK.
I'M SORRY, BUT WE CAN'T HAVE THIS DISCUSSION.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I'M ON THE NATIONAL "DO NOT TALK" REGISTRY, AND YOU'RE VIOLATING IT.
HELLUVA WACK, BRO.
STOP NOW, OR YOU'LL BE FINED.

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE AN OPTIMIST OR A PESSIMIST?
I'M AN OPTIMIST...
...WHO IS ALWAYS DISAPPOINTED.
I'M A DISAPPOINTIMIST.
NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND THAT.
IT'S OKAY. I'M OPTIMISTIC YOU'LL GET SMARTER.

GUYS, GUYS, I HAVE AN ADMISSION TO MAKE:
FOR 12 YEARS, I'VE BEEN ARTIFICIALLY
IMPROVING THE WRITING OF THIS STRIP
THROUGH THE PURCHASE AND USE OF H.E.D.s,
OR 'HUMOR ENHANCING DRUGS.'
I'M SORRY.
I'M ASHAMED.
AND I'M SURE YOU HAVE
QUESTIONS.
CAN YOU TRIPLE THE DOSAGE?
I'M ON PLENTY
ALREADY,
THANKS.
DOES 'ENHANCE'
MEAN
DECREASE?

LOOK, HONEY… A DEAD HERRING LYING THERE ON THAT ICE. GO OVER AND GET IT FOR US…
HOW DO WE KNOW IT'S NOT A TRICK OF THAT POLAR BEAR…?

NOT A TRICK
LOOKS LIKE IT'S NOT A TRICK.

HONEY. I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT THERE TODAY. I FEAR THAT BEAR IS NEAR.
HE'S NOT. I CAN SEE MUCH FURTHER THAN USUAL TODAY. AND I SEE NO SIGN OF HIM IN ANY DIRECTION.
THAT'S ODD. I CAN SEE FURTHER, TOO.
PERSPECTIVE IS SUCH A TRICKY THING.

I HEARD PIG BOUGHT HIS MOM ONE OF THOSE CHAIRS THAT YOU PLUG INTO THE WALL AND IT GIVES YOU THOSE GREAT MASSAGES.
YEAH, BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT IT.
WHY NOT?
I THINK IT'S HOW HE PRESENTED IT.
Hope you enjoy the electric chair!