Pearls Before Swine | Search

CHECK IT OUT, GOAT...I'M WRITING AN ALTERNATIVE HISTORY OF THE ITALIAN DICTATOR, BENITO MUSSOLINI. IT'S SET IN THE PRESENT.
INTERESTING. WHAT'S PRESENT-DAY MUSSOLINI LIKE?
Thinking about invading YOU, North Africa.
#HopeYouLikePasta
HE TWEETS.
YOU SHOULD SEE HIS FACEBOOK SELFIES.

EVERYONE TRIES SO HARD TO LOOK SMART BY READING AND GOING TO COLLEGE, BUT ALL YOU REALLY NEED TO LOOK SMART IS A KNOWING WASH.
THAT'S AS GOOD AS AN ACTUAL EDUCATION.
HAA HA HAAAA
HE MUST KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

I CAN’T BELIEVE THE MOSQUITO IN YOUR AMBER IS ALIVE, GOAT…WHAT HAPPENED, LITTLE MOSQUITO?
I DON’T KNOW. I JUST LANDED ON SOME TREE RESIN AND GOT STUCK…HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED?
SIXTY MILLION YEARS.
MY WIFE MUST BE GETTING SO SUSPICIOUS.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, GOAT?
AMBER. IT'S SIXTY-MILLION-YEAR-OLD RESIN THAT'S BECOME FOSSILIZED WITH THIS LITTLE MOSQUITO STUCK IN IT.
HELP.
THAT PART'S A BIT OF A DOWNER.

"WHU YOOS KNOW WHUTCH CRYOGENICKS EES"
"WHAT WHAT IS"
"Cryogenicks. DeY ees, like, deep-freeze dead gYs."
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, LARRY"
"Dees true. DeY ees freeze dead guys een hope dat future medeeCal teCnonolo-Gy able feex dem. Make dem leev again."
"DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHY I CAN'T USE OUR COUCH"
"Mebbe leetle."
"BOB WAS REELY GUD FREND!"
"Hey Larry…Mind me keep booze an' beer here"

EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP I HAVE WITH ANYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE ENDS IN BITTERNESS, ANGER, AND RESENTMENT. EVERY SINGLE ONE. AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, A GUY HAS TO SAY TO HIMSELF, "IT'S GOTTA BE ME, RIGHT?"
RIGHT.
WRONG. IT'S ALL THE IDIOTS AROUND ME.
AND FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A MOMENT OF GROWTH.
HERE'S HOPING THE REST OF THE WORLD PULLS ITS HEAD OUT OF ITS @#%.

PARDON ME, SIR, BUT
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
SIGN UP FOR MY
NEW PARACHUTE
SCHOOL?
HOW'S
YOUR
SAFETY
RECORD?
SO-SO.
THAT NEVER SEEMS TO SATISFY THEM.

THANKS FOR COMING OVER FOR DINNER, GOAT. SORRY ABOUT THE DUST ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE. WE DON'T USE IT VERY OFTEN.
OH, NO PROBLEM. THANKS FOR INVITING ME OVER.
DID YOU KNOW THAT NINETY PERCENT OF ALL THE DUST IN YOUR HOUSE IS ACTUALLY DEAD SKIN CELLS?
HOW 'BOUT WE EAT STANDING UP?
MUST YOU RUIN EVERYTHING?

OLD MOTHER HUBBARD
WENT TO THE CUPBOARD
TO GET THE POOR DOG A BONE.
BUT WHEN SHE CAME THERE,
THE CUPBOARD WAS BARE
AND SO THE POOR DOG HAD NONE.
OLD COOTIE DOLLY
SAW THIS AS HER OPPORTUNITY
TO LIVE WITH A WOMAN SO RUDE.
I'LL TEACH YOU A LESSON
WITH THIS SMITH AND WESSON,
AND HUBBARD DISCOVERED MORE FOOD.
GREAT.
ROBBING OLD LADIES.
HEY...
SHE WAS HOLDING OUT.

DID YOU EVER MEET MY FRIEND, HOUY HIPPO? SHE'S THE ONE WITH SUCH LOW SELF-ESTEEM THAT WHEN SHE WALKS INTO A ROOM SHE WISHES SHE CAN'T BE SEEN.
I DON'T THINK SO. WHERE IS SHE?
NOWHERE.
IT'S BEST NOT TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF.

HEY, RAT...WOW, YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD. WHAT'S GOING ON?
I DISCOVERED THE KEY TO HAPPINESS!
WHAT IS IT?
A TOTAL LACK OF EMPATHY FOR OTHERS!
I FIND HIM VERY DISTURBING.

MOTHER GOOSE'S
NURSERY RHYMES
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jump over the candlestick.
Jack be drinking
Jack be soused.
Jack set fire to his whole house.
MUST ALL YOUR
NURSERY RHYMES END IN TRAGEDY?
JACK LED
A HIGH-RISK LIFESTYLE.

I SHOULD TALK TO THAT WOMAN READING SHAKESPEARE... MAKING CONVERSATION WITH INTELLIGENT WOMEN IS RIGHT IN MY WHEELHOUSE.
IS YOUR WHEELHOUSE A PLACE FILLED WITH FLAT TIRES AND INCOMPETENT MECHANICS?
PLEASE DON'T CRITICIZE MY WHEELHOUSE.
MAKE SURE HE COMES WITH A MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HIS CHURCH OF CHEESE IS DRAWING A LOT OF CRITICISM FROM PEOPLE WHO SAY CHEESE IS FATTENING AND UNHEALTHY AND SHOULDN'T BE PROMOTED.
SO HOW'S PIG HANDLING THAT?
DID THOU BLASPHEME CHEESE?

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
SINCE STARTING THE "CHURCH OF CHEESE," HE'S BEEN GOING DOOR-TO-DOOR TRYING TO CONVERT PEOPLE.
TO THE CHURCH OF CHEESE? HOW DOES HE EVEN OPEN THAT CONVERSATION?
HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOUDA NEWS?

WHAT'S WITH THE MELTED CHEESE, PIG?
YOU FEED IT TO THEM?
SINCE CHEESE IS THE ONLY THING I CAN COUNT ON IN LIFE, I'VE STARTED A CHURCH AROUND IT. THIS IS FOR THE FAITHFUL.
SPLSPL SPLSPL SPLSPL
I BLESS THEM WITH IT.

SO DO YOU LEMMINGS DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER?
I DUNNO. WHY?
WELL, WHAT IF JUST ONE OF YOU WANTS TO GO OUT ON A DATE OR SOMETHING? WHAT THEN?
I WAS HOPING FOR SOMETHING MORE INTIMATE.
JUST IGNORE THEM.
HEY! I CAN SEE DOWN HER BLOUSE.

I THINK I JUST BUTT-DIALED SOMEONE.
I BUTT-TEXTED SOMEONE ONCE.
AND YOUR MESSAGE WAS ALL GIBBERISH?
IT WAS CLEARER THAN NORMAL.
IT'S SAD WHEN YOUR BUTT IS MORE ELOQUENT THAN YOU.

The Easter Bunny sprang happily through the fields handing out Easter eggs.
He was interrupted by a chicken.
Hiya, Easter Bunny.
Hiya
Whatcha giving out there, Easter Bunny?
Eggs.
Ohhhhh.
Eggs, like the kind you lay?
I don't lay eggs.
Oh, yeah. That's right. You guys are rabbits.
But you don't hand out live rabbits, do you? No. You became world famous off handing out someone else's stolen kids.
Enough is enough, Easter Bunny.
MUST YOU RUIN EVERY HOLIDAY?
HAVE A LIVE RABBIT! CLUCKED THE EASTER CHICKEN.
CANCEL THAT OMELETTE.

THIS ERIK LARSON BOOK ON THE CHICAGO WORLD'S FAIR OF 1893 IS REALLY GOOD.
SORRY, DUDE. COULDN'T HELP OVERHEARING. BUT WHO'S GOT TIME FOR BORING BOOKS THESE DAYS?
FSSHH
IS IT WRONG TO MACE STUPID PEOPLE?

DO YOU EVER WORRY ABOUT A GLOBAL CATASTROPHE THAT COULD LEAVE US WITHOUT A FOOD SUPPLY?
NO. WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY SUPPLY OF COTTON CANDY IN OUR ATTIC.
THAT'S INSULATION.
THERE GOES THAT PLAN.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE FILMS?
I GUESS I'D HAVE TO REACH BACK TO MY CHILDHOOD FOR THAT ONE AND SAY THE THREE "STAR WARS" FILMS.
THERE ARE SIX "STAR WARS" FILMS.
NO, THERE AREN'T! NO, THERE AREN'T! NO, THERE AREN'T! NO, THERE AREN'T!
DENYING THEM WON'T MAKE THEM GO AWAY.
DID YOU KNOW THERE'S NO THIRD "GODFATHER" FILM?

WELL, BOYS, THIS IS IT... THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF... STARING INTO THE DARK VOID.
SO WHEN DO YOU THINK THE PLUMBER WILL BE DONE WITH OUR SPRINKLER SYSTEM?
NOT SOON ENOUGH.

SIR, WE CALLED YOU IN HERE TODAY BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME ISSUES WITH YOUR PAST FEW YEARS OF TAX RETURNS. YOU MAY BE IN QUITE A BIT OF TROUBLE.
I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY.
THOUGH MY BEAR HATES THE TAX CODE.
THE I.R.S. CAN BE VERY UNDERSTANDING.

ALRIGHT, NEIGHBOR BOB. ONCE AGAIN, I WALKED BY YOUR PARKED CAR AND YOUR STUPID DOG STUCK HIS BIG FAT BARKING HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SCARED THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF ME.
SO? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
I BOUGHT A BEAR, BOB.
BEARS SOLVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS.
NUTS. CHAIN BROKE AGAIN.