Pearls Before Swine | Search

A Writer's Journey.
Until
finally...
This is stupid. I need to
do something with my life.
I need to write that novel
I've always talked about.
Procrastinate
procrastinate
procrastinate
procrastinate
procrastinate
procrastination
pro...
cats on TV
Discovery!
Write write write
write write write
write write
Write write write
write write write
write write
Don't bathe
write write
talk to friends
write write write
get no sleep
write write write
write write
It is
finished!
The book that
will change
THE WORLD!!
Behold, world...
My gift to thee!
Eh.
Meh.
Arggghhhhh...
What's wrong with
this stupid world?!?
Don't you recognize
genius when you see it?!?
Shake
shake
shake
Shake
shake
SHAKE

RAT'S DECIDED HE'S NO LONGER GONNA MAKE DIRECT EYE CONTACT WITH OTHERS. HE SAYS IT MAKES HIM TOO NERVOUS.

HOW STUPID. DOESN'T HE HAVE A DATE TONIGHT?
YEAH, BUT HE SAYS HE CAN STILL BE A GREAT CONVERSATIONALIST.
THEY REALLY NEED TO RE-PAINT THIS WALL.

NEWLY SINGLE STEPHAN TRIES PICKING UP WOMEN
I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU'RE READING THE COMICS PAGE... YOU KNOW, I DRAW A COMIC STRIP.
OH YEAH? WHICH ONE?
EVER HEARD OF "CALVIN AND HOBBES"?
...

THAT WAS WRONG.

NEWLY SINGLE STEPHAN TRIES PICKING UP WOMEN
I WANT TO TALK TO THAT WOMAN, BUT HOW?? SHOULD I TELL HER WHO I AM? WHAT COMIC STRIP I DRAW? OFFER TO SKETCH HER SOMETHING?
PARDON ME, BUT ARE YOU STEPHAN PASTIS?
YES! YES! YOU RECOGNIZE ME! I’LL DRAW YOU SOMETHING! I’LL AUTOGRAPH SOMETHING! I’LL WRITE YOU SOMETHING!
UH… YOU DROPPED YOUR CREDIT CARD.
I’LL CRAWL INTO A HOLE.

Can me help you?
GOOD MORNING. I'M WITH THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE, AND I'M AFRAID WE'VE SPOTTED SOME IRREGULARITIES ON YOUR TAX RETURN.
Nhuuh eeruggela-larittees?
WELL, FOR EXAMPLE ON LINE 8, WHERE IT ASKS FOR YOUR INCOME, SOMEONE'S WRITTEN, 'ME MAKE LOTS MONEES.'
So?
SO ON THE NEXT LINE, IT SAYS, 'PFFFFFF, YOU GWUMINT. YOU NO GEET ANY.'
My accountant a leettle aggressive.

HEY, COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU'RE DRAWING. I DRAW, TOO. A LITTLE COMIC STRIP CALLED "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE."
I'VE HEARD OF THAT.
YOU HAVE?
YEAH, I KEEP TRYING TO GET IT REMOVED FROM MY NEWSPAPER.
BUT SHE HAS HEARD OF YOU.
HA! I BET YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE "FAMILY CIRCUS"-LOVING WEIRDOS!

PIGITA, I THINK WE SHOULD BREAK UP. WE DON'T HAVE MUCH IN COMMON.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT--
SUPPOSE WE'RE LOST IN A SNOWSTORM. WE FIND SHELTER, BUT IT IS MADE OF CHEESE. IF WE EAT IT, WE DIE FROM THE COLD. WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
WE DON'T EAT IT.
WRONG. WE EAT IT AND DIE HAPPY.
I JUST CAN'T BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T PRIORITIZE CHEESE.

HEY, RAT, FEELING BRIGHT?
HE'S THE DON OF ONE OF THE LOCAL CRIME FAMILIES BUT DON'T WORRY. HE'S MEETING WITH SOME FLASHLIGHT.
IT'S OKAY. I'M JUST PUTTING BATTERIES IN IT.
WHY IS IT SHAPED LIKE A WOMAN?
IT'S ELIZABETH HURLEY. THAT ACTRESS FROM AUSTIN POWERS. I THINK SHE'S BEAUTIFUL. SO I HAD IT SPECIALLY MADE.
WOW.
PIG! I NEED YOUR HELP.
SURE. WHAT DO YOU NEED?
HEY, RON, YOU, FORMER THIRD STRINGER FOR THE DODGERS. WHAT DO YOU NEED?
I DROPPED MY KEYS OUTSIDE, IT'S TOO DARK TO FIND 'EM. GOT A LIGHT I CAN BORROW?
HERE. BORROW MINE.
THANK YOU SIR. BE RIGHT BACK.
GOSH. I HOPE IT WORKS. NOT SURE IF THOSE BATTERIES WERE FRESH.
OH... SHOULD I CHECK.
OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE BY THE DON'S HURLEY LIGHT?
I'LL LET A PROFESSIONAL HIT YOU.

IT'S SO HARD TO MEET NEW PEOPLE. YOU CAN NEVER TELL IF YOU'RE GONNA END UP LIKING THEM OR DISLIKING THEM.
I CAN TELL IMMEDIATELY IF I'M GONNA DISLIKE A GUY.
HOW?
HE TIES HIS SWEATERS AROUND HIS NECK.
YOU REALLY DON'T HELP.
THE SWEATER-NECKERS ARE A POMPOUS BREED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I STARTED A TOUR COMPANY. I GIVE TOURS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE'S HOMES.
OH, WOW. THAT'S VERY FLATTERING. WELL, THIS IS MY DRAWING DESK. AND THERE'S MY PEN. AND...
DUDE. THEY'RE JUST HERE TO USE YOUR JOHN.
SO WHO'S THE MIDDLE-AGED GUY WHO STILL WEARS A BASEBALL CAP?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT HE SHOULD SHAVE.
PLEASE LEAVE.
NICE MAGAZINES IN THE JOHN, PERV.

I THINK I NEED TO MAKE SOME CHANGES.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND THE MAINTENANCE LIGHT ON MY LIFE WAS BLINKING.
YOU SHOULD TRADE IN THE WHOLE CAR.
PIPE DOWN, MISTER RENT-A-WRECK.

LOOK AT THAT PRETTY GIRL LISTENING TO HER IPOD. I SHOULD TALK TO HER, BUT SHE'S PROBABLY TOO HIP FOR ME.
AW, C'MON, DUDE. HOW CAN YOU HAVE SO LITTLE CONFIDENCE? GO OVER AND SAY SOMETHING TO HER.
HIYA... WHATCHA LISTENING TO?
CHUCK D.
CHARLES DARWIN HAS AUDIO RECORDINGS?
MAYBE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF CONFIDENCE.

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY NEW FRIEND, DAWN.
I CAN'T SEE HER.
IT'S ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN.
THERE'S SOME DARKNESS FOR YOU.

SO I'M DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD WHEN I SEE THIS PEDESTRIAN WHO WANTS TO CROSS THE ROAD IN FRONT OF ME. SO I SLOW DOWN TO LET HIM CROSS.
SO?
SO THE GUY FAILS TO GIVE THE HAND WAVE, THE UNIVERSAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT SOMEONE ON THE ROAD HAS DONE SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU.
WHO CARES?
HE DOES. I ACCELERATED AND RAN OVER HIS TOES.
YOU DIDN'T.
YOU GOTTA GIVE THE HAND WAVE.

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?
REMEMBER WHEN THE WORD 'STEWARDESS' BECAME 'FLIGHT ATTENDANT'?
YEAH, AND 'SECRETARY' BECAME 'ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT' AND 'MAID' BECAME 'HOUSEKEEPER' AND 'MIDGET' BECAME 'LITTLE PERSON'?
YEAH. SO?
SO THIS IS THE GUY WHO DECIDES ALL THAT.
BEHOLD! I AM WILLY, THE WORD DECIDER!
SO HOW DO YOU DECIDE ALL THAT, WILLY?
I DUNNO.
WELL, THAT SEEMS KIND OF STUPID.
'STUPID' IS OUT. 'SMARTLESS' IS IN!
WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT WILLY.
DON'T BE SMARTLESS.

WOW. THIS PHOTO IS INCREDIBLE.
WHAT'S IT OF?
A TYPE OF DUST STORM THAT SOMETIMES OCCURS IN THE AMERICAN SOUTHWEST. IT'S CALLED A 'HABOOB.'
HABOOB, HUH? NOW THAT I GOTTA SEE.
OH, DO YOU?
LOOK! IT'S SO BIG IT SMOTHERS EVERYTHING!
I'LL LET YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND DISCUSS THIS ALONE.

HOLY SMOKES, RAT, WE'RE RICH.
HEY, WE MAKE SOMETHING THAT'S EXPLODED IN POPULARITY, SO MUCH SO THAT SUPPLY JUST CAN'T KEEP UP WITH DEMAND.
COMICS POLICE. STOP IT RIGHT THERE! THE COMICS PAGE WILL NOT PERMIT THIS FLAGRANT PROMOTION OF --
GREEK YOGURT?
WHAT DID YOU THINK WE WERE MAKING?
HEY! KIDS READ THIS.

HEY, PAT, BEFORE WE GET ANY DEEPER INTO THE TRADE, YOU SHOULD KNOW I HAVE FAMILY IN THE "DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENCY."
D.E.A.? ARE YOU CRAZY? WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO HIDE OUR ENTIRE LAB!!!
HIDE YOUR ENTIRE WHAT-?
OUR LABRADOR RETRIEVER. HE'S A VERY BAD DOG.
BAD LAB! BAD LAB! BAD LAB!

OKAY, PIG, IF WE'RE GONNA CONTROL THE
TRADE, WE'RE GONNA NEED TO KNOCK OFF THE CURRENT KINGPIN.
WHO'S THAT?
HECTOR "TIC" SALAMANCA..HE'S AN INVALID. CAN'T SPEAK. COMMUNICATES BY RINGING A LITTLE BELL. BUT DON'T BE FOOLED. HE'S DEADLY AND TO BE FEARED.
DING!
DING!
DING!
DING!
HE LOOKS PRETTY DARN CUDDLY.
CATS ARE TRICKY THAT WAY.

SO IF WE'RE GONNA MANUFACTURER HERE, WE'RE GONNA NEED A SHADY LAWYER LIKE SAUL GOOD-MAN TO PROTECT US.
WHAT ACTUAL LAWYER DO WE KNOW WHO'S THAT UNETHICAL AND SLIMY ?
HE MIGHT BE TOO SLIMY.

GOAT! GOAT! DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS? RAT ACCIDENTALLY TESTED HIS OWN BLOOD AND FOUND OUT HE MIGHT BE DYING!!
OH MY GOD... WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?
BUY AN R.V. AND MANUFACTURE [REDACTED]*
HOW CAN YOU PARODY 'BREAKING BAD' IF YOU CAN'T SAY [REDACTED]**
I'M THINKING! I'M THINKING!
THINK FASTER.
* Deleted for publication
** Deleted for publication

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE STILL PLAYING CROQUET WITH LITTLE LEMMINGS AS BALLS.
Whuh wrong wid dot?
DON'T YOU READ THE NEWS ABOUT HEAD INJURIES IN SPORTS? AND HERE YOU ARE KNOCKING AROUND LEMMINGS WITH MALLETS?
Whuh we spose do?
AT LEAST GIVE THEM PROTECTIVE HEADGEAR. SOMETHING STRONG THAT WILL PROTECT AGAINST CONCUSSIONS.
SANTA HATS ARE NOT PROTECTIVE.
Hey...Santa no get concussions.

HEY, PIG. WHO'S THE WOMAN NEXT TO YOU?
DO YOU KNOW NEIGHBOR BOB? THAT'S HIS STRANGE WIFE.
WHY DO YOU CALL HER STRANGE?
'CAUSE SHE CALLS HERSELF STRANGE.
"ESTRANGED." SHE DID IT AGAIN.
I DON'T KNOW YOU.

MR. JONES, I'M AFRAID THERE WAS A MISTAKE WITH YOUR BLOOD WORK. YOU MAY NOT BE DYING AFTER ALL.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I ACCIDENTALLY PRICKED MY FINGER DURING YOUR BLOOD TEST AND MY BLOOD DRIPPED ONTO YOUR SAMPLE. SO IT MIGHT BE ME WHO'S DYING.
THAT'S RIGHT. AND THAT WOULD BE A PROFOUND TRAGEDY.
BUT WHAT IF IT'S ME?
THERE'S NO 'I' IN "PROFOUND TRAGEDY."

RAT BECOMES A MEDICAL DOCTOR
BAD NEWS, MR JONES. I'VE DONE YOUR BLOOD WORK, AND IT APPEARS YOU HAVE A FATAL DISEASE.
OH, GOD, NO!
RELAX, MR JONES... RELAX... IT'S NOT ALL BAD NEWS.
WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?
WE VALIDATE PARKING.
I SEE YOU'RE FOCUSING ON THE BAD.